AJnet Magazine

An internet publication specializing in humor and opinion.

Social Commentary

Driving a pick-up truck does not make you invincible

Angry_Jerk 0Comments

If you’re one of those assholes who thinks that your Ford F150 or your Dodge Ram is completely immune to getting into accidents, you deserve to veer off the road and into a ditch. And when you see me pulling over to the side of the road, it won’t be so I can help you. It will be so I can point at you and laugh like Nelson from the Simpsons, then give you the middle finger and drive away.

When you illegaly cross the yellow double lines to go around me in your truck (because doing 50 on a 30 MPH road in an area populated by deer is too fucking slow), it doesn’t make you look the least bit intimidating, it just makes you look like the pencil-dicked douchebag you are. Oh, and I love it when you couple it with hand gestures. I’ve got a hand gesture for you:

My attempt to take my “Trolled!” series from the internet to the real world probably wasn’t such a great idea.

Assholes like you are the reason the county is lowering the speed limits. You do something stupid, then karma (or in this case, carma) kicks in and you get into a wreck and die, along with some innocent person who was actually obeying the law. Then people like me have to wear out our brakes going down a mountain because the speed limit was lowered from 50 MPH to 40 MPH, and the media attention your reckless retardation received has forced the cops to be Nazis and not accept the fact that I’m just coasting downhill.

Even worse is when these fucks do this shit in the snow. “HUR DUR I GOT 4-WHEEL DRIVE SO GET OUT OF MY WAY YOU SLOW ASS!” Yeah? Will your all-wheel drive stop you from slipping on a patch of black ice and spinning into a ditch? No, it won’t. All it will do is provide me with a good laugh as I pretend to slow down like I’m going to help you then give you the finger and cruise off.

People should be required to take a special test to be permitted to drive a vehicle with all-wheel drive. It would consist of one question:

“Does all-wheel drive make you invincible?”

a) Yes

b) No

That way when their truck careens off the road and into a tree because they decided to speed on an icy road, they’ll spend their last minutes alive reflecting on that one question that they thought was stupid and the fact that their blatant disregard for it is why they’re dying.

It’s not that owning a truck makes someone a douchebag. In fact, I happen to like pickup trucks, since they give you much more room to transport things than a car does. It’s the assholes who act like driving a truck makes them hot shit and completely invincible to any element, then express indignation that you would dare to call them out on their careless behavior.

Own a pickup truck, but not sure if you’re one of the assholes I’m talking about? Here’s a quick checklist that might help you find out:

  • You have a Confederate flag sticker on your window or anywhere on your vehicle. If the majority of “Rebs” are as dumb as you, I don’t think we have much to worry about if the South rises again.
  • You have designated a gender for your truck in the form of custom lettering on your windshield. It’s one thing to refer to your truck as “her”, but when you have “My True Love” stuck across your windshield, you look like a retard.
  • You have a “Git-R-Done” sticker on your back window. Larry the Cable Guy is moderately funny. Your usage of his catchphrase as some sort of “redneck pride” is extremely irritating.
  • You keep your highbeams on when you’re only 5 feet behind the car in front of you. If I could invent some kind of device that absorbs the light from your headlights and reflects it back at you tenfold, I’d become a millionaire overnight.
  • You get pissed off and honk your horn like a dipshit if the car in front of you stops because there’s a deer in the middle of the road. Sorry my Subaru can’t plow through a 300 pound object. Feel free though to take initiative and clear the way yourself.
  • You have a beer logo sticker on your car. It’s like a billboard saying “Pull me over for DUI!” Especially if it’s a Budweiser sticker. Shit’s nasty.

If at least three of these describes you, sorry, looks like you’re an asshole. You can redeem yourself by eliminating your genes from the pool.

Music

Your favorite bands are mediocre

Angry_Jerk 0Comments

-Aerosmith

Looking at Steven Tyler’s lips, I’m fully convinced this guy blew his way to the top:

You don’t acquire those lips from a lengthy career of being a great musician, you acquire those lips from a lengthy career of sucking cocks.

Aerosmith is mediocre and I have no idea how they’re still around.

-Led Zeppelin

“Stairway to Heaven” is the third most drawn out song in the world, right after “Inna-Gadda-Da-Vida” and “One Bourbon, One Scotch, One Beer”. It’s also the most overrated by far. My friend plays the guitar and every time he’s playing for a bunch of people it’s always “Ooh, can you play Stairway to Heaven?!!!” followed by “Damnit AJ, do you know how hard it is to get blood out of this carpet?”

I’m also tired of assholes citing them as an example of early heavy metal. They weren’t metal, and you’re a faggot.

-Red Hot Chili Peppers

These guys are always being depicted as some bad-ass hard rock band, but I have never heard a “hard” song from them. Like in that episode of the Simpsons where Krusty has them for his comeback special and they’re all half-naked and their lyrics are “edgy”. Then it shows them out on stage swinging the microphone and thrashing around like they’re Iron Maiden or some shit. Every song I’ve heard by them has been soft bullshit. They suck dick, and Matt Groening needs to be shot in the face for attempting to depict them as being remotely hard. Seriously, what the fuck:

Red Hot Chili Peppers singing “Zephyr Song” like the bad ass motherfuckers they are.

I challenge any Red Hot Chili Peppers fans reading this to find me ONE song that depicts these fruit cakes as even slightly bad ass.

-Pink Floyd

Rot in hell stoner fucks.

Seriously I’m tired of you assholes telling me how deep and meaningful their lyrics are. Pink Floyd is about as deep as a puddle of water in the middle of the desert, which is where I’m going to bury your bodies when I go on a genocidal rampage and purge you annoying fucks.

-The Beatles

If any band listed here generates hatemail, it’ll be the Beatles.

I like the Beatles, and I think they have some decent songs. Yeah, they did a lot for music, but people need to stop acting like they invented it. Too many people like them for the miniscule amount of songs of theirs that they play on the radio, and it’s annoying to look at almost every MySpace profile and see the Beatles listed as someone’s favorite band when their shit’s all ghettoed out and I have to put 50 Cent on mute.

-ACDC

I hate the singer’s voice and anyone who doesn’t is gay.

-Metallica

I wish Iron Maiden would thrash these worthless faggots into oblivion. Way to sue your own fans, you overhyped piece of shit relics that should have died at the end of the 80’s.

A lot of people like to defend this by saying it was the drummer that went after the fans, and not the rest of the band. If Nicko McBrain tried to sue any Iron Maiden fans for downloading their music, the rest of the band would publicly flog the fucking shit out of him at the next Rock in Rio, then use his beaten and bloodied corpse as a stage prop for their next tour. Founding member or not, Lars Ulrich should have been thrown out on his whiny worthless ass. But he wasn’t, because the rest of the band are a bunch of spineless fucking pussies just like Lars. I want to punch Lars Ulrich in his fucking face.

-Michael Jackson

The guy had some awesome dance moves, but let’s face it, his musical skills were only average. I still stand by my belief that he didn’t molest any kids.

-The Rolling Stones

I can’t think of more than two or three songs I like by them, but I can think of a shitload of reasons why they should call it quits, most of which revolve around the fact that Mick Jagger is like 90 years old.

-Elvis

Maybe it’s because I didn’t grow up in his time, but I don’t understand why he’s still receiving all kinds of worship and praise. I certainly don’t expect Iron Maiden to be worshipped decades after they stop making music.

Actually, disregard that. When I become the Antichrist I’ll make it illegal not to worship Iron Maiden.

Hate me all you want. Deep down inside, you know I’m right. Now weep as the realization that some of your favorite musicians weren’t so great after all finally kicks in. Rejoice, you’re finally free.

Social Commentary

RIP customer service

Angry_Jerk 0Comments

Nothing makes me want to patronize a business more than being disrespected by some minimum wage fuckhead working at a worldwide retail chain.

Last Saturday, I found myself in need of a new set of computer headphones after my HP Premium Digital Headset finally decided that the vocal awesomeness of Pat Benatar was too intimidating and crapped out on me. I drove to Best Buy and bought myself another pair of the same headphones (which had lasted me half a year of fits of anger and blowing my eardrums out). As soon as I got home, I opened Windows Media Player, selected “Hey There Delilah” “The Trooper”, cranked the volume to its highest setting, and jacked those fuckers in. As I pressed the play button on my keyboard, I braced for the willingful violation of my ears. Nothing. I pressed the button again, figuring that for whatever reason my last attempt didn’t register. Zilch. So I opened Windows Media Player and manually hit the play button. Son of a fucking bitch. The headphones didn’t work. I checked the likely suspects: loose wires in my case, the jack not being inserted the whole way, the sound being muted. Then as I scanned my eyes across the wiring of the microphone, I spotted the culprit: a tear in the wiring. How the hell had this happened? The package was sealed, and it’s not like I cut it open anywhere near the wiring. Actually, the damage looked kind of like it was done by a mouse.

There was no way in hell I was going to take the half hour drive back to Best Buy to exchange the faulty product, so I decided to wait until the next day, Valentine’s Day. Unfortunately (or fortunately if we look at it from other angles), my friend invited me to go out to dinner with him, his girlfriend, and his girlfriend’s single friend. While we were out, we went through the local mall, where I found the same pair of headphones for $10 less. Fuck exchanging the faulty headphones, I’ll return them and save the $10. I had to choose between an evening of social interactions with my peers or returning a pair of headphones. Apparently Best Buy closes early on Sundays, so I had no choice but to spend the evening with my peers and return the headphones the next day after work.

After work the next day, I went into Best Buy to return the defective headphones. These fuckers had the audacity to try to charge me a 15% restocking fee. On defective merchandise! I had to threaten to pimpslap a few pencilnecks and I’m pretty sure I’ll never be able to show my face in that particular Best Buy again, but I got my full refund. Blood, sweat, and tears.

Gone are the days when you could simply walk into a store and get your money back for a product you didn’t want or a product that didn’t work. Now companies have found a way to still make money off of you even if you don’t keep the item you bought. How difficult is the restocking process that they need to charge you money for it anyway? I’m pretty sure all it involves is either replacing the item back on the shelf, or repackaging it with the material they keep in the back storeroom that costs them virtually nothing. It’s not like I’m trying to return a perishable item that’s subject to contamination over time.

This whole “You get whatever the fuck we give you and you have no choice but to accept it” mentality stores have today has to stop pronto. I browse your store and if something you’re selling interests me, I buy it. If that product does not work to my liking, I return it and you return to me the money I paid you for the product. None of this “It costs us money to put something back on the shelf or to return a faulty product” bullshit. There’s a reason you pay your employees minimum wage, and that’s to do menial tasks like restock shelves.

Eat a dick, Best Buy.

People

Free Mumia

Angry_Jerk 0Comments

For those who don’t know, Mumia Abu-Jamal was a black guy in Philadelphia who shot and killed a cop, Officer Daniel Faulkner, in 1981. He was sentenced to the death penalty the following year, and is still sitting behind bars. Since then, he’s been making all kinds of money writing books claiming to be a peace activist and selling anti-cop merchandise, while his fellow inmates hold him in the highest regard as someone who was able to stick it to the man and get away with it.

Numerous cities across the world have made Mumia an “honorary citizen”, most of which are probably European. I’d expect nothing less from a bunch of countries that afford protection to Turkish-Muslim leeches and Albanian human sex trafficking scumbags. Paris has even gone as far as naming a road after him, proving yet again that you can never have enough reasons to hate France.

Recently, the United States Supreme Court tossed out a ruling that nullified Mumia’s death sentence. This is supposed to pave the way for the appeals court to reinstate the death penalty, but let’s face it, Mumia ain’t gonna be executed.

The prosecutors have been playing the wrong angle. Instead of fighting to have the state execute him, they should be fighting to have him released. It’s a brilliant idea to free Mumia, because, let’s face it, the guy won’t last a week on the streets:

That little .38 may have killed a cop, but it ain’t gonna do shit against Frank Castle.

Someone will do what should have been done almost 30 years ago and just kill the motherfucker. Why has this asshole gotten multiple appeals? “Unfair trial” my ass. He fucked himself over by acting like the uncivilized ape he is during his trial. Now he plays the race card and cries “unfair trial” because there were only two black people on the jury. The only thing unfair about the trial is the fact that my tax dollars are now paying his room and board while he makes money off of the gullible liberal faggots buying his books and merchandise with his name and picture on it. Well done you morons.

If in the unlikely event the state finally decides to carry out the death penalty, I propose a raffle to choose the person to shoot Mumia. The state can charge $20 a ticket, and 50% of the proceeds will be donated to a charity associated with injured police officers. Most ticket buyers would probably even bring their own gun and ammo, so the state doesn’t even have to provide the tools. Some lucky guy’s ticket gets drawn, and Mumia is put up against a wall and shot. The guy who shot him gets bragging rights, Daniel Faulkner’s family finally gets long-overdue justice, the state and the local Fraternal Order of Police chapter make some money, and tax payers can take solace in knowing that their money is no longer paying for a cop-killing scumbag to live. Hell, even the liberal douchebags will have a new martyr to use in their protests that nobody but them gives a fuck about. Everyone wins. Except for Mumia, but he won’t mind, because he’ll be dead.

Bands like “Rage Against The Machine” and “Anti-Flag” have tried to compare Mumia to Nelson Mandela by calling him a political prisoner. I’ve never owned a Rage Against The Machine CD, but I used to like Anti-Flag back in high school, so I own two of their CDs. Hearing them say shit like “Mumia is innocent” boils my blood. Congrats Anti-Flag, you cost yourselves a fan.

Part of me really hopes some of Mumia’s homies find this article, because people in the same camp as Mumia are hyper-aggressive morons who will send me all kinds of death threats, reinforcing the stereotypes I’ll be accused of promoting.

There’s really no point in wasting money on trials that are just going to keep getting appealed, nor is there any point in allowing him to continue to leech off of my tax dollars. Just go ahead and free the bastard so some vigilante can do the world a favor and kill him.

If Officer Faulkner’s family suddenly comes out and supports freeing Mumia, you’ll know why. You’re welcome Philly. You’re welcome America.

Tech/Internet

Online advertising: A great way to ensure I don’t buy your shitty product

Angry_Jerk 0Comments

I have no idea why someone would think that obnoxious advertisements that automatically play audio when loading a page are a great way to make money, and I’m even more uncertain why a webmaster would think that it’s a good idea to have such ads on their site. If I have to close more than 2 pop-ups and at the same time scroll down to pause a video that automatically plays every single time I open another page on your site, I’m not going to look at your site.

I understand that corporate-owned sites like YouTube and MySpace get a good chunk of their revenue from advertising, but if you’re just some schmuck with a personal website, there’s no excuse for having ads. If you’re having problems paying to keep your site up, chances are you don’t have your priorities in order and shouldn’t be allowed to manage your own money let alone have a website. I’ve been at this for 3 years now, and even when I was unemployed for almost a year, I could still afford to keep this site going. This site costs a measly $5 a month. Even a homeless person could afford that. I could sell two Xanaxes to some pill popper and be able to cover a month’s hosting fees.

Seriously you assholes. Nobody wants to be bombarded with bullshit while trying to read the lyrics to “Dancing Queen” a review for the latest blockbuster movie or listening to Abba Iron Maiden. I deal with enough retarded bullshit in one day. When I load the page and have to listen to “THINK YOU’RE SMART? TAKE A FREE IQ TEST AT IMAFAGGOT.COM!”, it increases the probability of me getting into an altercation with someone over something frivolous from “Likely” to “Extremely Likely”. No, really. One of my friends will call me on my phone and be like “Hey AJ, come meet us at the awesome Mexican restaurant. That one chick you like is coming. You know, the one who looks like that chick you like from the 60’s.” I’ll get pissed off because not only did he interrupt my Grace Slick fap session, but he also couldn’t even remember her name. He’ll tell me not to diss him like that, and I’ll threaten to come and fuck him up. He’ll try to call me out on my threat, and nobody calls me out. I’ll drive all the way out to the Mexican restaurant to kick his ass, only to find out that the girl he was talking about is totally into me. I’ll spend the rest of the evening making her laugh by finding different ways to call my friend a faggot. All because of some shitty fucking ad.

If I wasn’t going to buy your product before, I’m certainly not going to buy it when you’re raping the shit out of my eyes and ears with advertisements so stupid that it’s a miracle your company hasn’t gone under.

Anyway, here’s to three years ad-free. Cheers, dickface. And Dan, her name is Grace Slick. Seriously, it’s not that fucking hard to remember.

Advice

AJ’s guide to the women of Barnes and Noble

Angry_Jerk 0Comments

No matter what your taste (or lack thereof) is in women, the book store can provide. I know many people who met their significant others at book stores. Even that yuppy faggot I know named Ted met his girlfriend at Barnes and Noble. Look at them, have you ever seen two happier yuppies:

I also know this thug gangsta who found his baby-mama at Barnes and Noble. If L-Dawg found his boo at a book store, why can’t you? There’s someone there for everyone. Whether you like fatties:

… pin-titted bitches:

… white trash skanks:

… jailbait:

… or even other guys:

You can find what you’re looking for at most book stores.

I’ve compiled a catalogue of what types of females you can find and what sections you can find them in.

Type: Intellectuals

Sections: Philosophy, Psychology, Starbucks

More Info: This is your best bet if you’re looking for a steady long-term relationship. Intelligent women are less likely to be full of drama and baggage, and are more loyal than most women.

Be wary of fakers though, especially in the psychology section. They may seem nice and approachable, and will even be able to give you an intellectually stimulating conversation. But underneath that Jewish exterior lies a penchant for relentless psychoanalysis and subsequent homemade diagnoses of outlandish stuff like Borderline Personality Disorder or Schizophrenia (even with the absence of key traits like word salad or hallucinations). They’ll constantly accuse you of not taking their feelings into consideration or being verbally abusive. Their excuse for staying with you despite these hardships will be that they believe they can help you change. Maybe that’s why they weren’t doing so well in their Psychology 110 class and had to ask a community college dropout to give them a hand with their homework. Seriously bitch, I don’t have Borderline Personality Disorder. What the fuck is wrong with you?

Sorry, got sidetracked. Great for a long-term relationship, but if the woman starts trying to psychoanalyze you or someone else in the vicinity within the first 20 minutes of the conversation, get the fuck out of there.

Type: University Students

Sections: Humor, Mathematics, Philosophy, Politics, Psychology, Religion, Starbucks

More Info: University students can either be on the same level as intellectuals, or they can be pretentious know-it-alls who think they have existence figured out at the ripe old age of 23. The ratio is about 70/30, leaning in favor of being pretentious know-it-alls.

Most of you might assume that the ones in the humor section are the best choice. This is a common misconception, and an understandable one. After all, who wouldn’t expect a chick who reads humorous books to be a modest person? Then you realize that the average university student’s idea of humorous reading is Chuck Norris Facts, Tucker Max, Real Ultimate Power, or the Zombie Survival Guide, and you understand why your assumption is wrong.

The best place to find a university student who isn’t a pretentious bitch is, believe it or not, the Religion section. Yes, organized religion is a scam. Yes, the Bible is full of holes. Still, most religious girls can be rational when it comes to things that aren’t related to a supposedly benevolent guy who says I’ll suffer for all eternity if I don’t worship him. Not many of them actually allow their beliefs to dictate every aspect of their lives, and it’s fairly simple to weed out the ones who do. Also, they can be closet sex freaks.

The second-best place is the psychology section. The politics section is full of liberal cunts who will insist you drive a Volkswagen and join PETA, while those in the Philosophy section are the definition of pretentious know-it-all (because Friedrich Nietzsche expects nothing less of his followers). Don’t waste your time in Starbucks, since you almost certainly can’t afford it. As for the Mathematics section:

216 people asked themselves “Is that Maddox?”

Type: Fatties

Sections: Anime/Manga, Paranormal/Occult

More Info: Have fun going to seances and being called “Sasuke”, chubby chaser.

Type: Psychobitches

Sections: Paranormal/Occult, Psychology, True Crime

More Info: Psychobitches can be fun, but very very taxing. There are three types of psychobitches: Depressed, Bipolar, and Psychotic. The chances of a depressed girl cutting your dick off are 30/70. Bipolar, 50/50. Psychotic, 70/30. A simple yet reliable way to tell which type a woman is is to see what she’s looking at. If she’s looking at a book about an abused woman, she’s depressed. If she’s reading a book about mental illnesses, she’s bipolar. If she’s reading a book about a serial killer or mass murderer, she’s psychotic. If she’s reading a book about the Columbine shooters, she’s jailbait. The depressed chick will eventually drag you down with her by being passive-aggressive. The bipolar chick will fuck your brains out, throw stuff across the room at you because your arm got tired after holding her for half an hour, then cry her eyes out because she “can’t control” her outbursts. The psychotic chick will fuck your brains out, make a subtle remark insinuating that her ex was a better fuck, deny she said anything of the sort, get violent when you insist that was what she said, then top it off with destroying one of your possessions.

Don’t do it, dude. Trust me, just don’t.

Type: Jailbait

Sections: Anime/Manga, Paranormal/Occult, True Crime

More Info: I assume that those reading this part are underage and that’s why you would need info on where to find jailbait in a book store. If you’re a pedophile and your ass gets busted because you went into Barnes and Noble and tried to score with an underage girl, don’t drag me into it. Otherwise you won’t have to worry about being passed around the cellblock like currency, because I’ll cut your throat.

Most of the jailbait in a bookstore will be hyper and “bi”. Don’t waste your time, since at your age there are much easier lays available in your school. If you’re that hard up, pork a fat chick.

Type: MILFs

Sections: Children’s, Cooking, Self-Help

More Info: When going for women in their late 30’s/early 40’s, save yourself some time and look for a wedding ring. Do you see one? Yes? Good, you already have half your work cut out for you. Chances are she’s not satisfied with her husband and wants someone who can adequately please her. Is her gripe with him legit or just bullshit? Doesn’t matter, sex is still sex, and as long as he doesn’t catch you it’s all good. For the single moms, tell them you’re down with Arthur, sing a few lines of “Crazy Bus”, and viola, you’ve got yourself some matronly muff.

Type: Black

Sections: African-American Literature

More Info: Yes, they may appear to be clean and well-spoken, but don’t be deceived. As soon as they meet up with their own kind they’ll drop the front and bust on your cracker ass.

Type: Ethnic

Sections: Computers, Ethnic Literature, Mathematics

More Info: Chances are they barely speak English. Luckily a bulge in your pants is universal.

Type: Wealthy

Sections: Cooking, Philosophy, Politics, Starbucks

More Info: Rich trustfund babies who only want sex and enjoy experimenting. What more do you want? Think of that $5 latte as an all-access sex pass. Threeway with another chick? Coming right up. Anal? You got it.

Fuck going to bars and clubs. Real pimps know that Barnes and Noble is where it’s at.

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