Driving a pick-up truck does not make you invincible

If you’re one of those assholes who thinks that your Ford F150 or your Dodge Ram is completely immune to getting into accidents, you deserve to veer off the road and into a ditch. And when you see me pulling over to the side of the road, it won’t be so I can help you. It will be so I can point at you and laugh like Nelson from the Simpsons, then give you the middle finger and drive away.

When you illegaly cross the yellow double lines to go around me in your truck (because doing 50 on a 30 MPH road in an area populated by deer is too fucking slow), it doesn’t make you look the least bit intimidating, it just makes you look like the pencil-dicked douchebag you are. Oh, and I love it when you couple it with hand gestures. I’ve got a hand gesture for you:

My attempt to take my “Trolled!” series from the internet to the real world probably wasn’t such a great idea.

Assholes like you are the reason the county is lowering the speed limits. You do something stupid, then karma (or in this case, carma) kicks in and you get into a wreck and die, along with some innocent person who was actually obeying the law. Then people like me have to wear out our brakes going down a mountain because the speed limit was lowered from 50 MPH to 40 MPH, and the media attention your reckless retardation received has forced the cops to be Nazis and not accept the fact that I’m just coasting downhill.

Even worse is when these fucks do this shit in the snow. “HUR DUR I GOT 4-WHEEL DRIVE SO GET OUT OF MY WAY YOU SLOW ASS!” Yeah? Will your all-wheel drive stop you from slipping on a patch of black ice and spinning into a ditch? No, it won’t. All it will do is provide me with a good laugh as I pretend to slow down like I’m going to help you then give you the finger and cruise off.

People should be required to take a special test to be permitted to drive a vehicle with all-wheel drive. It would consist of one question:

“Does all-wheel drive make you invincible?”

a) Yes

b) No

That way when their truck careens off the road and into a tree because they decided to speed on an icy road, they’ll spend their last minutes alive reflecting on that one question that they thought was stupid and the fact that their blatant disregard for it is why they’re dying.

It’s not that owning a truck makes someone a douchebag. In fact, I happen to like pickup trucks, since they give you much more room to transport things than a car does. It’s the assholes who act like driving a truck makes them hot shit and completely invincible to any element, then express indignation that you would dare to call them out on their careless behavior.

Own a pickup truck, but not sure if you’re one of the assholes I’m talking about? Here’s a quick checklist that might help you find out:

  • You have a Confederate flag sticker on your window or anywhere on your vehicle. If the majority of “Rebs” are as dumb as you, I don’t think we have much to worry about if the South rises again.
  • You have designated a gender for your truck in the form of custom lettering on your windshield. It’s one thing to refer to your truck as “her”, but when you have “My True Love” stuck across your windshield, you look like a retard.
  • You have a “Git-R-Done” sticker on your back window. Larry the Cable Guy is moderately funny. Your usage of his catchphrase as some sort of “redneck pride” is extremely irritating.
  • You keep your highbeams on when you’re only 5 feet behind the car in front of you. If I could invent some kind of device that absorbs the light from your headlights and reflects it back at you tenfold, I’d become a millionaire overnight.
  • You get pissed off and honk your horn like a dipshit if the car in front of you stops because there’s a deer in the middle of the road. Sorry my Subaru can’t plow through a 300 pound object. Feel free though to take initiative and clear the way yourself.
  • You have a beer logo sticker on your car. It’s like a billboard saying “Pull me over for DUI!” Especially if it’s a Budweiser sticker. Shit’s nasty.

If at least three of these describes you, sorry, looks like you’re an asshole. You can redeem yourself by eliminating your genes from the pool.