A guide to scoring a date at Barnes and Noble.

No matter what your taste (or lack thereof) is in women, the book store can provide. I know many people who met their significant others at book stores. Even that yuppy faggot I know named Ted met his girlfriend at Barnes and Noble. Look at them, have you ever seen two happier yuppies:

I also know this thug gangsta who found his baby-mama at Barnes and Noble. If L-Dawg found his boo at a book store, why can’t you? There’s someone there for everyone. Whether you like fatties:

… pin-titted bitches:

… white trash skanks:

… jailbait:

… or even other guys:

You can find what you’re looking for at most book stores.

I’ve compiled a catalogue of what types of females you can find and what sections you can find them in.

Type: Intellectuals

Sections: Philosophy, Psychology, Starbucks

More Info: This is your best bet if you’re looking for a steady long-term relationship. Intelligent women are less likely to be full of drama and baggage, and are more loyal than most women.

Be wary of fakers though, especially in the psychology section. They may seem nice and approachable, and will even be able to give you an intellectually stimulating conversation. But underneath that Jewish exterior lies a penchant for relentless psychoanalysis and subsequent homemade diagnoses of outlandish stuff like Borderline Personality Disorder or Schizophrenia (even with the absence of key traits like word salad or hallucinations). They’ll constantly accuse you of not taking their feelings into consideration or being verbally abusive. Their excuse for staying with you despite these hardships will be that they believe they can help you change. Maybe that’s why they weren’t doing so well in their Psychology 110 class and had to ask a community college dropout to give them a hand with their homework. Seriously bitch, I don’t have Borderline Personality Disorder. What the fuck is wrong with you?

Sorry, got sidetracked. Great for a long-term relationship, but if the woman starts trying to psychoanalyze you or someone else in the vicinity within the first 20 minutes of the conversation, get the fuck out of there.

Type: University Students

Sections: Humor, Mathematics, Philosophy, Politics, Psychology, Religion, Starbucks

More Info: University students can either be on the same level as intellectuals, or they can be pretentious know-it-alls who think they have existence figured out at the ripe old age of 23. The ratio is about 70/30, leaning in favor of being pretentious know-it-alls.

Most of you might assume that the ones in the humor section are the best choice. This is a common misconception, and an understandable one. After all, who wouldn’t expect a chick who reads humorous books to be a modest person? Then you realize that the average university student’s idea of humorous reading is Chuck Norris Facts, Tucker Max, Real Ultimate Power, or the Zombie Survival Guide, and you understand why your assumption is wrong.

The best place to find a university student who isn’t a pretentious bitch is, believe it or not, the Religion section. Yes, organized religion is a scam. Yes, the Bible is full of holes. Still, most religious girls can be rational when it comes to things that aren’t related to a supposedly benevolent guy who says I’ll suffer for all eternity if I don’t worship him. Not many of them actually allow their beliefs to dictate every aspect of their lives, and it’s fairly simple to weed out the ones who do. Also, they can be closet sex freaks.

The second-best place is the psychology section. The politics section is full of liberal cunts who will insist you drive a Volkswagen and join PETA, while those in the Philosophy section are the definition of pretentious know-it-all (because Friedrich Nietzsche expects nothing less of his followers). Don’t waste your time in Starbucks, since you almost certainly can’t afford it. As for the Mathematics section:

216 people asked themselves “Is that Maddox?”

Type: Fatties

Sections: Anime/Manga, Paranormal/Occult

More Info: Have fun going to seances and being called “Sasuke”, chubby chaser.

Type: Psychobitches

Sections: Paranormal/Occult, Psychology, True Crime

More Info: Psychobitches can be fun, but very very taxing. There are three types of psychobitches: Depressed, Bipolar, and Psychotic. The chances of a depressed girl cutting your dick off are 30/70. Bipolar, 50/50. Psychotic, 70/30. A simple yet reliable way to tell which type a woman is is to see what she’s looking at. If she’s looking at a book about an abused woman, she’s depressed. If she’s reading a book about mental illnesses, she’s bipolar. If she’s reading a book about a serial killer or mass murderer, she’s psychotic. If she’s reading a book about the Columbine shooters, she’s jailbait. The depressed chick will eventually drag you down with her by being passive-aggressive. The bipolar chick will fuck your brains out, throw stuff across the room at you because your arm got tired after holding her for half an hour, then cry her eyes out because she “can’t control” her outbursts. The psychotic chick will fuck your brains out, make a subtle remark insinuating that her ex was a better fuck, deny she said anything of the sort, get violent when you insist that was what she said, then top it off with destroying one of your possessions.

Don’t do it, dude. Trust me, just don’t.

Type: Jailbait

Sections: Anime/Manga, Paranormal/Occult, True Crime

More Info: I assume that those reading this part are underage and that’s why you would need info on where to find jailbait in a book store. If you’re a pedophile and your ass gets busted because you went into Barnes and Noble and tried to score with an underage girl, don’t drag me into it. Otherwise you won’t have to worry about being passed around the cellblock like currency, because I’ll cut your throat.

Most of the jailbait in a bookstore will be hyper and “bi”. Don’t waste your time, since at your age there are much easier lays available in your school. If you’re that hard up, pork a fat chick.

Type: MILFs

Sections: Children’s, Cooking, Self-Help

More Info: When going for women in their late 30’s/early 40’s, save yourself some time and look for a wedding ring. Do you see one? Yes? Good, you already have half your work cut out for you. Chances are she’s not satisfied with her husband and wants someone who can adequately please her. Is her gripe with him legit or just bullshit? Doesn’t matter, sex is still sex, and as long as he doesn’t catch you it’s all good. For the single moms, tell them you’re down with Arthur, sing a few lines of “Crazy Bus”, and viola, you’ve got yourself some matronly muff.

Type: Black

Sections: African-American Literature

More Info: Yes, they may appear to be clean and well-spoken, but don’t be deceived. As soon as they meet up with their own kind they’ll drop the front and bust on your cracker ass.

Type: Ethnic

Sections: Computers, Ethnic Literature, Mathematics

More Info: Chances are they barely speak English. Luckily a bulge in your pants is universal.

Type: Wealthy

Sections: Cooking, Philosophy, Politics, Starbucks

More Info: Rich trustfund babies who only want sex and enjoy experimenting. What more do you want? Think of that $5 latte as an all-access sex pass. Threeway with another chick? Coming right up. Anal? You got it.

Fuck going to bars and clubs. Real pimps know that Barnes and Noble is where it’s at.

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By Angry_Jerk

The CEO/Editor-in-chief of AJnet, and the current king of internet ranting. Hailing from the fine village of Northeast Philadelphia, AJ has been creating content on the internet for over 15 years. None of it has really been funny or entertaining, but he keeps trying anyway. When he’s not creating new articles for the site, he can be found hitting the weights, watching anime, or playing retro video games.