Dear Craig Mundie and Barbara Kiviat: No, we don’t need “internet driver’s licenses”, now leave our freedom of speech alone.

What the fuck is this shit.

Some hotshot at Microshaft Inc., a Mr. Craig Mundie, is proposing the idea of a “driver’s license” to use the internet. And this employee of Time Magazine, Barbara Kiviat, is cheerleading the idea. Says Ms. Kiviat:

What Mundie is proposing is to impose authentication. He draws an analogy to automobile use. If you want to drive a car, you have to have a license (not to mention an inspection, insurance, etc). If you do something bad with that car, like break a law, there is the chance that you will lose your license and be prevented from driving in the future. In other words, there is a legal and social process for imposing discipline.

This is a great idea. One would pay a monthly or yearly fee for the privilege of connecting to the internet, and sign a contract stating that they would not use their internet connection for illegal activities. They would be assigned a sequence of numbers that would identify their computer and location, serving as their license number. One could go to a company authorized by the FCC to obtain said license. These companies would be referred to as internet service providers.

HELLO BITCH, IS ANYONE HOME IN THERE? An ISP is the same fucking thing. You pay a fee to connect to the internet, just like you do when you get a driver’s license, buy a car, and buy car insurance. If you do something wrong online and someone reports you for it, your ISP will restrict your access or even take it away from you, exactly like a judge suspending or revoking your driver’s license for doing something wrong with a motor vehicle. Depending on the severity of what you did online, you can face jail time or a huge fine, similar to if you ran over a pedestrian while drunk driving.

What this dumb whore is proposing amounts to an additional hoop that people need to jump through to use the internet. The reason major news outlets such as Time like this is because they’ve been losing profits left and right due to the fact that you can view the news for free on the internet. Even worse: You can view the news for free on the internet and get the entire story without “unimportant” parts omitted! GASP! Heaven forbid someone is able to make up their own fucking mind on something instead of having their opinions crammed down their throat for them. If these fascist fucks have their way, there would be separate internet license “classifications”. Kind of like how you need different licenses to drive a commercial vehicle weighing over 25,000 pounds or drive a motorcycle. There would be one for browsing, one for blogging, one for having a CafePress store on your blog, one for gaming, one for media, etc. This would effectively squash the majority of free speech and any non-mainstream news outlet. The terms of service for any license would most certainly restrict you from using “hate speech”. And even if it didn’t, let’s face it, who would want to call someone a racial slur when their name and location is accessible by anybody? Not many people.

As for their profit loss, maybe more people would be inclined to pay for the news if it wasn’t:

  • Rife with poor spelling and grammar
  • Written by uneducated idiots who don’t fact check 90% of the time, and cherry-pick facts the other 10%
  • Biased
  • Full of bullshit stories about celebrities and their personal lives

Then again, what do I know? It’s not like I would understand how the average person thinks or anything.

More from Barbara Cuntviat:

“Now, there are, of course, a number of obstacles to making such a scheme be reality. Even here in the mountains of Switzerland I can hear the worldwide scream go up: “But we’re entitled to anonymity on the Internet!” Really? Are you? Why do you think that?

Why do I think that? Maybe because here in America we have something called the Bill of Rights. In this Bill of Rights is an inalienable right known as the right to be secure in their persons, houses, papers, and effects against unreasonable searches and seizures. They even gave it its own catchy little title: “The Fourth Amendment to the United States Constitution”. My anonymity constitutes my person, and my online activities my effects. Yes, I waive these rights when I sign up for internet access. I waive them to my ISP, not the government. If the government wants to learn who I am or what I’m doing online, they have to prove to a judge that there is a high probability I am doing something illegal and get a court order which they give to my ISP. So yes you stupid cunt, I am entitled to anonymity on the internet.

Another common excuse being parroted in support of stronger internet regulation is that most of the world’s infrastructure can be sabotaged via the internet by hackers. Such attacks would pretty much bring the affected parties to their knees. Almost every aspect of our country is controlled by the internet. Banking, electricity, the water supply, hospitals, the military, you name it. Chinese hackers have accessed sensitive information from the Pentagon on countless occasions. Some Aspie in Britain was able to access computer networks that controlled nuclear missile launches. People are asking what can be done to prevent terrorists/Russians/the Chinese from launching a crippling cyber attack on the country, but what they should really be asking is why the fuck all this sensitive shit is accessible via an external network.

Why is some person sitting at a computer desk thousands of miles away able to access classified military information or the ability to launch missiles? Shouldn’t these things be controlled by internal networks that are inaccessible by people outside of the location they’re in? Even better, why are we networking this shit at all? Yeah, I understand it’s easier for Staff Sergeant Dumbfuck to click the mouse a few times rather than telephone Corporal Spudnuts and get the information hand-delivered by a courier, but you’re sacrificing safety for efficiency.

How exactly is a government-regulated internet license going to stop anybody from doing shit? Computer technology is easy to spoof, manipulate, and fool. Internet licenses would be as easily faked as driver’s licenses are, and obviously these people know this if they’re using such bullshit excuses as “It would increase security”. It’s all a ploy to further condition us to being loyal subjects of the self-proclaimed “elite” by eroding our rights until the only right we have is to shut the fuck up and take their money-hungry dicks up the ass.

Barbara you stupid cuntslag, I hope you choke. And to all you geeks out there, get cracking on that alternative uncensored internet.

By Angry_Jerk

The CEO/Editor-in-chief of AJnet, and the current king of internet ranting. Hailing from the fine village of Northeast Philadelphia, AJ has been creating content on the internet for over 15 years. None of it has really been funny or entertaining, but he keeps trying anyway. When he’s not creating new articles for the site, he can be found hitting the weights, watching anime, or playing retro video games.