In this age of emasculation, let’s take a moment to talk about a real man.
I’m talking about this badass motherfucker:
Gaston is a real man’s man. Need proof? Watch the part in “Beauty and the Beast” where Gaston and his flunky are in the bar singing about how awesome he is. For fuck’s sake, the man destroys a belt with his goddamn neck! Most of you would just choke to death like the little pussies that you are, but not Gaston. Gaston would break the belt, then take the sorry motherfucker who tried to choke him with it and ass-rape the guy until his eyes popped out of his skull. Go ahead and tell Gaston he’s gay for fucking another man in the ass. Before you do it, what can I put on your tombstone? Should I put a bullseye on it so Gaston has something to aim at when he’s pissing on your grave from 30 feet away? Jesus Christ, just look at him! He took the whole fucking bar on, and WON! That werewolf guy? Gaston took a fucking bite out of him. It’s probably because he ate 4 dozen eggs as a kid. RAW. Just like his ruggedness.
Now I know what your pansy ass is thinking. “BUT AJ DIDNT GASTON FALL TO HIS DEATH FROM A 10 STORY CASTLE AT THE END OF THE MOVIE?” Fuck no. Gaston just felt like going free-fall cliff jumping, and Gaston does whatever the fuck he wants whenever the fuck he wants, even if it’s in the middle of wailing on some furfag. And just for questioning his manliness, Gaston is coming to your house to beat your face in with his pecs and rape your mother. Simultaneously. But it won’t be rape, because your mom will cream her panties at the site of this badass and be all over his dick like the slut she really is. Tough luck creampuff.
Some people try to say that King Triton from “The Little Mermaid” is tougher than Gaston. King Triton? Bitch please. There’s only one king: Gaston. Gaston would rip Triton’s beard clean off his face and use it as a napkin when he has Flounder and Sebastian for dinner, which he cooked using Triton’s trident. Then he’d take Ariel’s virginity and 9 months later she’d give birth to a kraken with a square jaw.
I really shouldn’t be writing this, since no words can do Gaston justice, and Gaston hates injustice. His reaction to this article would most certainly be something on par with this:
Only the village would be on fire and Gaston would be surrounded by a giant heap of people he maimed in anger. Then he’d beat the shit out of Belle, not out of anger, but just because he thinks it’s fun to beat her.
Fuck King Triton, fuck Jafar, fuck Clayton, fuck Tarzan, and fuck Hercules. Gaston would wipe the fucking floor with them. There’s a reason Gaston wasn’t in any of the Kingdom Hearts games even though Beast and Belle were. The programmers originally included him in Kingdom Hearts 2, but none of the testers could beat him. In the end they had to swap him out with that pussy orb thing that Organization XIII summons so the game would actually be possible to beat.
I heard Disney is making a sequel to Beauty and the Beast called “Gaston”. That’s it, just “Gaston”. The movie will be 1 hour and 30 minutes of Gaston beating the shit out of people and trashing everything in sight. They also intend to release an uncensored version when the movie comes out on DVD. It includes 46 minutes of bonus footage of Gaston going to town on every woman in the village.
Gaston didn’t write the book on awesome. He forged that shit from molten steel.