You are NOT a Jersey Shore character, now shut the fuck up

Angry_Jerk December 26, 2011 0Comments

You’re not a Jersey Shore character, you’re just an impressionable idiot.

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Twilight bashing is fucking stupid

Angry_Jerk September 8, 2011 0Comments

When it comes to the Twilight series, it’s the same fucking thing everywhere I go.

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Aqua Teen Hunger Force sucks

Angry_Jerk July 22, 2011 0Comments

The other night, I had the misfortune of watching “Aqua Teen Hunger Force” for the first time. My experience left me feeling akin to a rape victim; Confused, hurt, and angry. For those who actually watch the show, it’s the episode where that balding guy meets a parody of Vince Offer from the ShamWow commercials, and Master Shake keeps taunting him with lasagna on a fishing line.

Why the fuck do so many people like this stupid piece of shit? It’s inane and nonsensical to the point of being retarded. Yeah, I understand that most of the show’s humor is supposed to come from this, but the show didn’t make me laugh even once. I laugh at everything. No, seriously. You could say “Poopy potato” and I’d bust out laughing at it. When you can’t make the guy with a severely immature sense of humor laugh, you obviously fucked up.

Most of the gags are repetitive to the point where by the end of the episode you’re wishing they’d just knock it the fuck off already. “HURRR DURRR YOU WANT THIS DELICIOUS LASAGNA???? HAHA YOU CANT GET IT!” “I KNOW YOUR JUST FUCKIN WITH ME BUT IM GONNA KEEP TRYING ANYWAY EVEN TO THE POINT OF JUMPING OUT OF A HOSPITAL WINDOW.” Calm down motherfucker, you aren’t Garfield. Even Garfield is funnier than this bukkake of bullshit. Adult Swim should drop this gay show and replace it with an adult version of Garfield, where Jon is an angry cynical 40-year-old virgin and routinely beats Garfield for stealing his food. Garfield would take his pain out by being even meaner to Odie than he already is. Fuck, anything would be better than Aqua Teen Hunger Force.

Really, what the fuck? Cartoon Network drops “Sym-bionic Titan”, but they keep this retarded-ass show? Some boardroom execs need to be bitchslapped for this douchefuckery. I should make a cartoon series called “Boardroom Bitchslap”. Every episode would consist solely of the main character walking into a random boardroom meeting and smacking the shit out of every suit-wearing motherfucker in the room. That’s it, just random people in suits getting smacked around for 15 minutes. The show would still be funnier than half of the shows on Adult Swim, especially Aqua Teen Hunger Force.

Aqua Teen Hunger Force? More like Aqua Teen Homo Force, amirite? Fuck this show, and fuck anyone who thinks it’s funny.

The Kim Kardashian sex tape is a waste of fucking time

Angry_Jerk February 3, 2011 0Comments

I really don’t know shit about who she is or what she does, but Kim Kardashian is fucking hot. Seriously, anyone who wouldn’t fuck this is a faggot:

Holy fuck, look at her ass. Any guy who says he wouldn’t plow the shit out of that needs to stop calling himself a man immediately. Even Sir Elton John would tap that at least once. That’s right, if you wouldn’t fuck Kim Kardashian, you’re less of a man than Sir Elton John. THE Sir Elton John:

“You wouldn’t fuck Kim Kardashian? Haha, what a faggot!”

So when I heard that she had a sex tape floating around the internet, I immediately sought it out. After searching the internet high and low for a working torrent of this seeming Holy Grail of sex tapes, I gave up and used Rapidshare instead. What could be hotter than watching that- no, DAT ass get plowed by a giant black dong? The ZIP file finished downloading, and I unzipped the file (and my pants) in preparation for the fap of my life. I opened the AVI file. This was it. This was what I had been searching for to fill the void left in my heart from my last failed relationship. As VLC loaded the file, I felt my cock twitch in anticipation. The video began to play. I grasped my cock in my hand, ready to stroke.

HOLY FUCK, WHAT A DISAPPOINTMENT!

The footage was grainy, the audio was virtually non-existent, and most of the video was a giant blurry close-up of Kim’s ass. What the fuck?!

I was expecting this:

But instead, I got this:

In case you were wondering, both of those watermarks were present throughout the entire thing. At least we know who to hate for this piece of shit.

This was what I wasted my time searching for? A blurry and incomprehensible shitfest, rife with poor close-ups and shots of some washed up R&B has-been’s face? I’m going to throw a bone to the numerous math dorks that populate the internet and use a pie chart to break down the video for you:

I’ve also heard that the publishers of this video are going around sending out legal threats to sites hosting the video, which would explain why I had to dig around more than 10 minutes for a working copy. The video is readily available on countless sites to people willing to pay for a subscription. I can’t believe that people still pay for porn, and that anybody would pay to watch this grainy piece of shit.

Fuck you and your shitty sex tape Kim. Fuck you right in your sexy, delicious-looking ass.