I finally got around to watching the first season of Riverdale…
Growing up I read Archie Comics off and on, mainly because I was a massive fan of the Sonic the Hedgehog comic series they put out. I wouldn’t have called myself a hardcore Archie fan, but I read enough to appreciate the series and respect its massively underrated legacy. When I heard they were coming out with a live-action TV show that would portray the series in a darker light, I was semi-intrigued, but not intrigued enough to go pirate it or watch CW.
That changed the day I finally caved and got Netflix.
Whilst searching for new shows to watch on Netflix, I came across the first 3 seasons of Riverdale. I put on the first episode, and I was hooked. Here are some of my stray thoughts and observations about the first season of Riverdale.
1. Betty is spot-on.
The series does a surprisingly good job of portraying most of the characters as they are in the comics personality-wise. They obviously took some liberties with physical appearances, and a few of the characters kind of veer from their comic counterparts personality-wise (I’ll get to this in a bit), but for the most part everyone is almost as spot-on as the series could do while still keeping the show modern.
In particular though, there’s one portrayal that really stood out to me as exceptional. The actress who portrays Betty Cooper, Lili Reinhart, did a very great job of portraying Betty. Seriously, I take the piss a lot on these reviews, but this girl’s portrayal of Betty is almost spot-on from the comics. And I’m not just saying this because she’s hot (she’s only a 7/10 in my book tbh), this girl legit “got” Betty Cooper.
She managed to capture that “plain but still hot in the right light” thing that Betty always had going on. She captured Betty’s sense of justice and compassion, and also her slightly darker side. She also captured Betty’s frustration with Archie’s apparent lack of interest. She even looks like Betty:
Seriously, good casting on this one.
And speaking of good casting…
2. Latina Veronica is fucking hot.
I love Hispanic women. Put a hot little mami in front of me and it’s like kryptonite. I lose all sense of will-power, strength, and mental clarity, and make it my sole mission to bury my dick in that sweet Latina ass. If they call me papi? Forget it, I’m done. I have to avoid hot Latinas at bars and parties, because if I stay around them there’s a 10 in 10 chance I’ll cheat on my girlfriend, who is literally the exact opposite of a Latina, being of Irish descent and prone to sunburn if she’s out in the sun for more than 30 minutes.
I always thought Veronica was kind of hot for a comic book character, but then the people who made Riverdale said “Oh yeah? Hold my beer.”, and they did this:
Holy. Fucking. SHIT.
I would bury my dick so deep into Camila Mendes that whoever pulled it out would be crowned King of England. I could write five entire articles about all the things I would do to her and with her in one weekend, but since this is a family-friendly Christian website I’ll spare you the details on that one.
The thought of Veronica Lodge being Latina had never ever occurred to me, and now I feel invalidated for not coming up with this myself. This is beautiful, this is great. Hollywood is always changing the races of established characters for bullshit political reasons, and they fuck it up 9 out of 10 times. Hollywood, THIS is how you change the race of a character in an efficient and meaningful manner! Latina Veronica Lodge is the thing I always wanted without knowing that I wanted it.
I mean, yeah, she doesn’t really behave like she does in the comics, but in this case I will overlook that, because, hot doggin’ hell, the things I would do with her.
On the off-chance Camila reads this, Camila, I will give you the best weekend of your life. I eat snatch like a fucking champ and I have an 8″ dick. HMU bae, let’s make some magic.
And yes, I did look into it, she was over 18 at the time of filming, so anyone accusing me of being a pedo can fuck right off.
Not all the portrayals were good though. Some things just shouldn’t have been changed…
3. They fucked up Jughead.
Remember how Jughead was a pretentious brooding asshole in the comics? Yeah, me neither.
They took a goofy character that was basically comic relief and turned him into some emo douchelizard. Instead of scarfing down cheeseburgers and making lighthearted banter, this version of Jughead scarfs down cocks and makes angsty cynical remarks about how he’s better than everyone else even though he grew up in
Sunnyvale Sunnyside Trailer Park. Cole Sprouse managed to make Jughead gayer than the actual gay character on the show without making Jughead actually gay. I’m also annoyed that they would have Jughead get into such an intense relationship with Betty. There’s only one thing Jughead loves, and that’s a big juicy burger from Pops, with a nice side of fries and a malt.
I get that the series is supposed to be more serious than the comics, but come the fuck on, lighten up just a little.
I will concede though, I liked what they did with his crown (properly known as a “whoopee cap“). I would totally rock a beanie like his, if all the Amazon reviews didn’t make me think that the hat won’t fit my head.
4. Josie and the Pussycats are the whitest black girls ever.
I had no problem with making Josie and the Pussycats all black, it actually made more sense for modern times and the style of music they were performing.
What I did take issue with was that they were literally the whitest black girls I’ve never seen in my life. An all-black girl band has so much potential, and yet it was so poorly squandered.
Seriously, the average white girl is blacker than this version of Josie and the Pussycats. Even Token from South Park is blacker. I get that they wanted to avoid racial stereotypes and couldn’t throw around the word “nigga” on CW, but they took it way too far on this one. In their attempt to not be racist, the creators of Riverdale went off the rails and turned what could have been a very unique and powerful set of characters into generic cookie cutter characters with little to no personalities. You have essentially taken away their identities in your quest to not be racist, making you racist. Oops! Pobody’s nerfect I guess.
Three young black girls in a band would simply not speak or behave the way they do. I’m not saying that they have to be ghetto Shaniqua-from-the-hood cliches, but holy shit how about giving these girls some personality? I don’t care if they’re the only black girls in town (they aren’t), there is no reason to turn these girls into token cliches. Josie and the Pussycats are iconic comic book characters, give them the recognition they deserve and give them some personality.
5. Big Booty Barb lives!
Fellow Barbaholics rejoice! Your plump-posteriored princess lives!
Apparently Barb didn’t die in Stranger Things. The demogorgon (aka Keith Richards) obviously took her and dumped her off in Riverdale, where she changed her name to Ethel and got new parents.
I have nothing more to say on this one, I’m glad Shannon Purser is still finding work. She can find more work in my bed, right alongside Camila Mendes.
6. Archie is a pimp.
The whole first season, my main man Archie does nothing but plow ass. His music teacher, Valerie, Cheryl, Veronica, Betty, and probably more people I forgot about because I lost track at how much pussy Archie was getting. I have no doubts that if the series were to run for long enough Archie could successfully bed every female in the entire town.
Go get’em Big Red!
Speaking of redheads and sex…
7. Cheryl and Jason were definitely banging.
There is no way that Cheryl and Jason Blossom weren’t engaging in twincest. The first scene we see them in shows them holding hands and gazing longingly at each other as they walk to their boat wearing what could pass for wedding clothes. Another scene shows them at Pop’s sharing a malt with two straws. Their relationship seems just a little more close than brother/sister.
It was kind of funny to have Veronica outright say what we were all thinking, outright accusing Cheryl and even using the word “twincest”.
Still, I’d plow Cheryl’s psychobitch ginger ass so hard she’d become sane.
8. Riverdale takes place in an alternate reality where they seceded from the union and formed a city-state.
The comics always made a point to hide the location of Riverdale. No big deal, a lot of comics do this.
The show dropped multiple hints that Riverdale may be in or around the state of New York. Veronica’s origins, the proximity to Montreal, the weather, and the Blossom family being involved in the maple syrup industry (among “other” things). But then they went and did this shit:
Riverdale has its own license plate?!
With the exception of Washington DC, no city in the country has its own license plate, it’s all done by state. Riverdale is outright stated to be a town, so the only other way it could possibly have its own license plate is if it were the nation’s capital, or if it was its own territory. I don’t see any presidents around, sooooo…
That’s right, Riverdale is a city-state. Apparently at some point in the Riverdale-verse’s history, Riverdale seceded from the union, allowing it to have its own license plate.
I’m already halfway through season 2, and this show is highly addictive. 8/10 would recommend.