WIT: What I Thought About Riverdale, Seasons 2 and 3

I finally got around to writing about watching seasons 2 and 3 of Riverdale

Look, I’m fucking lazy in strange ways, alright? For example, if I go to Walmart I’ll purposely park at the far end of the lot and walk the extra distance, but if the remote is slightly out of reach when Netflix asks if I’m still watching and I can’t reach it with my feet then I guess I’m done watching. I’ll go for a five mile run every morning but I’ll pay the extra money to have food delivered to me from the pizza joint that’s a five minute walk from my house. I’ll vacuum my entire house once a week, but I have bird shit on my car’s window that’s been sitting there for a week that I could wipe off in less than a minute. You get the idea.

I can sit and marathon ten episodes of Riverdale, but when it comes time to sit and write these articles I get apathetic. You think this shit is hard? I can bang these articles out in less than an hour, 15 minutes if I’m drunk enough and have the right Spotify playlist going. It’s just that it’s slightly less effort not to write. Think I never got around to watching season 3 of Stranger Things? Think again, I watched that BEFORE I finished the article for season 2. That review took me three months to finish, not because I put any real effort into it, but because I was too lazy to finish it.

Now I’m laid off and bored, and realizing that it’s probably not good to drink every single day. I need shit to fill my time, so now I have to write some articles and maybe record a podcast or two. I’m never going to get around to writing that review of season 3 of Stranger Things, but if I don’t write a review of season 3 of Riverdale then people might get the idea that I’m Gabe Newell and can’t count to three. Since I didn’t ever write that review of season 2 of Riverdale, I’m saying “Fuck it” and giving you guys a two-fer for this edition of WIT.

If this is your first time here, WIT, short for What I Thought, is a segment where I review TV shows and other things with short to-the-point bits about various aspects of whatever I’m reviewing. Put simply, it’s a compilation of idle thoughts I had when I was watching the show.

 

1. Everybody in Riverdale is fucking ripped.

Every time a male character took his shirt off in Riverdale, they had chiseled muscles and a six pack. Without fail. Everyone looks like they ate a bowl of steroids for breakfast. Even the little boys had six-pack abs and a frame like Mike Tyson in his prime. What are they putting in the town’s water supply (besides Fizzle Rocks)? Do all males in Riverdale get issued weight sets on their 5th birthday or something?

 

2. Jughead’s redemption.

I’ve never been a fan of either of the Sprouse twins, and the only reason I ever bothered to glance at The Suite Life of Zack and Cody was because I wanted to love Brenda Song long time. My opinion of Cole was not elevated in any way by his pretentious brooding interpretation of Jughead Jones, a character who in the comics was lighthearted and stupid in a goofy way.

In season 2, his character either grew on me or the writers figured out that nobody likes a pretentious asshole, because his character became sort of likable. While season 1’s Jughead sat around Pop’s moping and probably blowing guys in the bathroom, season 2’s Jughead was out on the streets cracking skulls and rallying his troops. Sure, he was still nothing like Jughead from the comics, but at least this Jughead was good in his own right.

I give props to the show’s writing team and Cole Sprouse for turning this character around. Great work.

 

3. Betty’s mom’s name is “Alice Cooper”

LOL.

For whatever reason, I didn’t catch on to this until halfway through the second season. I’m highly disappointed that no jokes were ever made with this. We could have had Alice being chased through the school by her serial killer husband, only for her to blindside him with a fire extinguisher. Then as he’s laying there on the floor she could stand over him and say “School’s out!” There was an entire world of missed opportunity here.

I also want to mention that Alice is the official MILF Queen of Riverdale. Sure, Hermione Lodge is hot, even Penelope Blossom is great looking. But that scene with Alice showing up to that formal event looking all sexy in the red dress with the snake necklace while “Thunder” by Imagine Dragons played in the background? Hal couldn’t handle that shit. That’s why he got repeatedly cucked by F.P. Jones, a man who by all accounts should have been too busy drowning in pussy to care about anything at all. F.P. is the personification of “Bros before hoes” and “Bitches ain’t shit”. He’s a man of the people, for the people, and by the people. That’s how he went from being the leader of a biker gang to being the goddamn sheriff. Until they finally cast me in Riverdale, F.P. Jones is the only person man enough to handle Alice and give her the D while keeping her in check.

 

4. Hiram Lodge is a hunk (no homo)

In the comics, Hiram Lodge was a rich old white guy with business dealings that were… questionable.

In Riverdale, Hiram Lodge is a rich middle-aged Hispanic guy with openly-known mafia ties. He also looks like he could bench press a Mack Truck.

I’m not gay in the least, but holy fucking shit bro:

It’s not gay if there’s a basketball in the room.

 

Mark Consuelos is fucking yoked. AND he’s handsome as fuck (no homo):

I’m not fucking gay, I swear. See, there’s another basketball and everything!

 

If I was a woman I’d ruin every chair I sat in whenever this hunky piece of man meat came onto the screen (no homo). My girlfriend tried to say he wasn’t that great looking, so I told her that if she was going to be a lesbian then the least she could do was have a threeway with me and the black lady next door who looks like Maya Rudolph but with a bigger butt.

It’s like, the producers saw Camila Mendes and said “Okay, so we’ve got a smoking hot Latina to play Veronica Lodge. What about her parents? They’ve gotta look good too.” “Let’s get Mark Consuelos to be the dad!” “Excellent! And the mom?” “Marisol Nichols.” “You magnificent bastard! I would suck your dick dry if there was a basketball in the room!”

 

5. No homo on that last one tho

For real.

 

6. That’s not how the mafia works.

While we’re on the subject of Hiram Lodge, let’s talk about his criminal empire.

Throughout the course of the second season, it’s revealed that Hiram is the head of a mafia family, and has several people reporting directly to him that he refers to as his capos.

As someone with Italian heritage, I wish the writers hadn’t chosen to refer to his criminal empire as a “mafia”, because it’s nothing like a mafia.

First and foremost, the idea that a Hispanic man would be in charge of a mafia family is about as realistic as Bernie Sanders ever making it past a primary. The mafia, by definition, is Italian. In order to be an actual member of the mafia (i.e. a “made man”), you must be of at least half-Italian descent. Otherwise you will never make it beyond “Associate”. This is not something with wiggle room, as far as I’ve read there has never been an exception to this rule. Hiram could have formed a mob, which is generally used to refer to mafia-esque criminal organizations that aren’t Italian. On top of that, mob organizations will typically do work for or even come into conflict with mafia families. Bugsy Siegel was a famous well-respected mobster who was never made, but had his own organization and routinely did work for the mafia. However, the show uses the term “mafia” more than it does “mob”.

The show furthers this by using the term “capo”. “Capo” is short for “caporegime” or “capodecina”, and is typically used amongst Italian crime families to denote the people who oversee portions of the operations and report to the boss, sometimes the underboss or consigliere (which as far as I could tell, Hiram didn’t have an underboss or a consigliere). If the boss wants his soldiers to do something, he typically has the capos give the orders. The capos are basically a legal buffer between the soldiers and the boss, so if the soldier gets arrested and decides to snitch he can’t say “Boss told me to kill that guy.” Throughout both seasons Hiram was routinely handling his own dealings and directly giving orders to associates (not soldiers, soldiers are made men and therefor part of the mafia family). He had one capo going around impersonating an FBI agent, while another served as his personal bodyguard. Hiram even made Archie a capo for a few episodes. Hiram was so sloppy that even Inspector Clouseau could have gathered enough evidence for an open-and-shut case inside a week. It’s honestly a miracle that he remained free for two seasons.

 

7. Props to Archie for keeping Veronica the whole time.

Anyone who’s even looked at the cover of Archie Digest in the supermarket checkout knows the eternal struggle of Betty and Veronica vying for Archie’s affection. It’s literally the hallmark of the series.

Let me say, thank fucking Allah the writers of Riverdale chose NOT to include this love triangle in their show. Love triangles almost always suck, they ruined season 3 of Lucifer. Seriously, you had a great story arc with Cain, and you wasted most of the season by having Chloe suddenly act like a vapid idiot. I’m glad they fixed it with season 4, but still.

Archie remained with Veronica for pretty much the entirety of seasons 2 and 3. I know, they broke up temporarily and Veronica went with that idiot Reggie, but that was for like five seconds so chill. Jughead and Betty stayed together the entire time too, except when they broke up for two seconds because of Toni.

Thanks for not ruining the show with a love triangle.

 

8. Toni fucked Cheryl sane.

Having Cheryl go lesbo for Toni was one of the best decisions the show made. Repeatedly showing the two having sex was also a great decision.

Thanks to Toni, Cheryl went from being some crazy psychobitch ginger who would probably cut my dick off in my sleep to some slightly crazy nympho who would probably wake me up every morning with a blowjob then forcibly restrain me when I told her I had to piss first. Cheryl was becoming borderline intolerable, but then the writers said “Nope, we’re gonna fix this!” and had Toni Topaz fuck her to her senses. I really love the writing staff for Riverdale, it seems like they actually know what they’re doing. I would suck their dicks dry (no homo), but only if there was a basketball in the room.

 

9. Betty’s ringtone for the Black Hood was great.

Having “Lollipop” by The Chordettes play whenever the Black Hood called was excellent on a couple of levels. Aside from serving as a nod to the very long history of Archie Comics (which goes way back to 1942), the idea that we know a serial killer is calling when we hear the upbeat tune of “Lollipop, lollipop, oh lolli-lolli-lolli lollipop, lollipop” is both chilling and amusing at the same time. Also, considering that the Black Hood is Hal Cooper, it also alludes to the fact that the killer is a total candy ass whose only real strength is that everyone else in the town is too busy with their own bullshit to stop for a moment and put two and two together.

 

10. “The Farm” is basically the Church of Scientology.

Those table reads must have been very awkward for Marisol Nichols. Also, good to see Chad Michael Murray still acting.

 

11. RIP Luke Perry

I’m going to miss him as Fred Andrews. I hope to God they don’t make Molly Ringwald (Archie’s mom) a series regular to try to fill the void, I can only tolerate her character in small doses.

 

12. The Midnight Club episode was a cool concept.

While parts of the plot felt kind of shoe-horned, I actually liked the idea of having all the kids’ actors play younger versions of their parents. I mentioned in the previous article how good the casting was. I neglected to mention another good aspect of the casting, which was that the parents actually looked like they could be the parents of the kids. Many shows don’t take this extra step and just cast whoever can deliver lines and interact with the other actors the best. Thanks to the excellent casting, the show was able to pull having the kids play their parents in a flashback episode.

 

13. Penelope Blossom runs a whore house.

I wonder what her rates are, because I’d thoroughly enjoy fucking the snark right out of her snooty ass. Penelope is the kind of woman you fuck into submission, then degrade her by making her walk around in public with your cum on her face. Not that I would know anything about that sort of thing.

Also, now’s as good a time as ever to mention that Penelope Blossom makes an appearance in The Chilling Adventures of Sabrina, which is done by the Riverdale crew:

 

Well, technically it’s not Penelope Blossom, but there are implications that the person impersonating her has met her. There’s also several other references to Riverdale in Sabrina, like a guy in a Southside Serpents jacket, some graffiti by Jughead, and a few other minor things. I wish they would just take Riverdale off of CW and make it a Netflix exclusive. Then we could have a proper crossover, as well as some titties.

 

14. Chic? More like DICK.

Alice’s illegitimate son (who we later find out is illegitimate in other ways) was a straight-up Boston shitweasel, and I don’t know why he got away with as much as he did. Dude looked like a creepy little fuck. I’m not surprised Hal couldn’t work up the nads to forcibly toss this little shitbird (he even fucking teams up with him at the end of season 3), but with all the ass-kicking Jughead was doing I’m kind of surprised Chic wasn’t missing half his teeth by the time he met up with Penelope. For fuck’s sake, Jughead had a gang. Even if Jughead was too busy taking Betty to Plowtown and getting shit done, he could have told Fangs or one of the other Serpents to go rough Chic’s creepy ass up. But nope, instead this freakshit gets free run of the Cooper household.

You dropped the ball, Juggy.

 

15. Archie is a damn idiot.

I know Archie’s behavior is totally in-character, and KJ Apa does a great job in his role, but if I were in Archie’s place Hiram Lodge wouldn’t have lived past the second season.

Archie had ample opportunity to kill Hiram, he never acted on it. And not only did he not act on it, he stopped someone else from doing it. Yes, you could argue that he didn’t want to upset Veronica, which is semi-forgivable since no sane man would ever want to lose out on tapping that hot little mami. But if someone is actively trying to kill me and it’s my life or theirs, it’s going to be theirs. Sorry Ronnie, but your dad was being a fucking dick, and I can’t bury my dick in that sweet little Latina ass if I’m dead. If I was in Archie’s shoes I’d have gutted Hiram with a Kabar halfway through season 2.

At the very least, Archie could have played the long game and pretended to still like Hiram only to turn state’s evidence and dime his ass out to the FBI. But we’ve seen that Hiram can still get people even from behind bars, so the only safe move would have been to kill him.

 

16. Cheryl with a bow and arrow is sexy.

On my next Skyrim playthrough, I’m going to be a stealth archer named Cheryl Blossom. I could honestly watch an entire series of Cheryl going around terrorizing people with her bow and arrow. I can see it now, her name would be “Robbing Hood”, and most of the episodes would consist of her robbing drug dealers. Every episode would end with her and Toni in my bed.

 

I’m feeling pretty butthurt since I won’t get to see season 4 on Netflix until the week after it finishes airing on CW. Thanks to COVID-19 there was a huge delay on finishing the season and God only knows when I’ll see season 4 now. Great job fucking me over again, China. I hope your government collapses in 2021 due to mass resignations thanks to international outrage about the fact that the virus leaked from your lab in Wuhan. Communism, not even once.

As far as the future of this series, I hear they renewed for season 5. I hope season 5 draws even deeper from the comics, and we explore story arcs like Archie vs Predator or Archie Meets the Punisher. See, this is why Riverdale needs to become a Netflix exclusive, then they could get Jon Bernthal to reprise his role as the Punisher and everything, it would be pretty “yeet” as the kids say.

In the meantime if you’re stuck at home with nothing to do and haven’t already watched Riverdale, I highly recommend it.

I love making these stupid things, so I’m going to start putting them into the articles. This article’s spectacular title card: