The Kim Kardashian sex tape is a waste of fucking time

I really don’t know shit about who she is or what she does, but Kim Kardashian is fucking hot. Seriously, anyone who wouldn’t fuck this is a faggot:

Holy fuck, look at her ass. Any guy who says he wouldn’t plow the shit out of that needs to stop calling himself a man immediately. Even Sir Elton John would tap that at least once. That’s right, if you wouldn’t fuck Kim Kardashian, you’re less of a man than Sir Elton John. THE┬áSir Elton John:

“You wouldn’t fuck Kim Kardashian? Haha, what a faggot!”

So when I heard that she had a sex tape floating around the internet, I immediately sought it out. After searching the internet high and low for a working torrent of this seeming Holy Grail of sex tapes, I gave up and used Rapidshare instead. What could be hotter than watching that- no, DAT ass get plowed by a giant black dong? The ZIP file finished downloading, and I unzipped the file (and my pants) in preparation for the fap of my life. I opened the AVI file. This was it. This was what I had been searching for to fill the void left in my heart from my last failed relationship. As VLC loaded the file, I felt my cock twitch in anticipation. The video began to play. I grasped my cock in my hand, ready to stroke.

HOLY FUCK, WHAT A DISAPPOINTMENT!

The footage was grainy, the audio was virtually non-existent, and most of the video was a giant blurry close-up of Kim’s ass. What the fuck?!

I was expecting this:

But instead, I got this:

In case you were wondering, both of those watermarks were present throughout the entire thing. At least we know who to hate for this piece of shit.

This was what I wasted my time searching for? A blurry and incomprehensible shitfest, rife with poor close-ups and shots of some washed up R&B has-been’s face? I’m going to throw a bone to the numerous math dorks that populate the internet and use a pie chart to break down the video for you:

I’ve also heard that the publishers of this video are going around sending out legal threats to sites hosting the video, which would explain why I had to dig around more than 10 minutes for a working copy. The video is readily available on countless sites to people willing to pay for a subscription. I can’t believe that people still pay for porn, and that anybody would pay to watch this grainy piece of shit.

Fuck you and your shitty sex tape Kim. Fuck you right in your sexy, delicious-looking ass.