Hola amigos, it is your pal Señor Juan!
¡feliz Navidad!
Juan like Christmas. You say “ey Juan what is your favorite holiday?” Juan say “is Christmas señor”. Juan like Christmas because every year Tío Heriberto come from Ciudad Juárez and visit family in Philadelphia. Tío Heriberto always bring Juan surprise. Last year Tío Heriberto bring Juan expensive tequila. Uncle Paco see tequila and say “Heriberto mi hermano why you give Juanito tequila but you no give me anything”. Tío Heriberto tell Uncle Paco “Yes Paco I give you something too come here por favor” and put Uncle Paco in choke hold like wrestler. Uncle Paco laugh and say yes that is how he beat Subcommandante Marcos many year ago.
Juan like spend holiday with family but Juan also like food and free present too. Juan get many present and eat mucho food on Christmas. This year AJ say he have company Christmas party at bar and buy food and beer for everyone. Juan say yes that is good. Frosty also say yes that is good he drink mucho beer and no pay. AJ say yes that is fine but Frosty must wear Santa Claus costume and take many picture with AJnet employees. Frosty tell AJ challenge accepted like funny gringo Barney Stinson on TV show How I Met Your Mother.
First question Juan answer about parent who want to tell child Santa no real:
Dear Juan,
Money is really right this Christmas (thanks Joe!!) And I don’t know I can afford to buy my 8 year old son a lot of presents this year. But He still believes in Santa and will be sad if he comes down on Christmas morning and there isn’t a lot of presents under the tree. Should I tell him the truth about Santa? How do I do that?
– Melissa G.
Ey Señora Melissa I send you Frosty and he dress up as Santa for kid hahaha just kidding.
Juan understand what it is like to no have money at Christmas time. Long time ago in Ciudad Juárez Juan see friends get present but Juan no get present. Mi Hermana Josefina and Uncle Paco tell little Juanito Santa no come to Mexico because he owe cartel mucho dinero. Juan write article about it here you read you want full story. Juan grow up and understand why Mi Hermana Josefina and Uncle Paco no buy Juan present. Juan think it is better that they give him presence instead of presents. Juan no upset he no get gift because he know Mi Hermana Josefina and Uncle Paco do best to raise Juan and give him food to eat and house to live in.
Señora Melissa, you no have money buy mucho present for son so you must choose. You buy son cheap gift or tell son truth about fat old gringo with beard and red suit? Juan think choice is very easy. You tell eight year old son truth that Santa Claus no real and you buy present. Tell son “Mijo I no have money right now so I no buy you mucho present for Christmas but that is fine I buy you nice present later.” Juan think you still have enough money to buy small present for son so you buy that now and save money to buy nice present later.
You say “Yes Juan that is fine but how I tell son truth about Santa Claus? Is very hard to do”. It no hard tell son truth about Santa Claus it is very easy and Juan tell you how to do it now. You must say “Mijo you are big boy now it is time to tell you truth only adult know. Santa Claus no real person present under tree come from store I buy from website Amazon. I tell you truth now you like adult you know Santa Claus no real. You are big boy now mijo.” Juan tell AJ about son and AJ say son already know Santa no real he go to school and gringo classmate tell him so you tell son Santa no real he say “Yes mamá I know little Billy at gringo school tell me already”.
You tell son truth now and buy him nice present later.
Best of luck to you amiga.
Next question from angry man who have neighbor with annoying Christmas decorations.
Dear Juan,
Someone bought the house across the street from me a few months ago. This Christmas they decorated the shit out of their house with lights, music, giant tacky inflatable snow globes, and other festive bullshit. Sounds good, right? Try living next to it! The inflatable decorations are one thing but the lights and music go constantly from the time the sun goes down to about 9. I tried talking to the neighbor but they just told me to fuck off and kept calling me Scrooge. I even tried the police but they said there’s nothing they can do because they turn the music off at 9 so it’s not a noise problem. I’m about to fucking snap here, if I hear Carol of the Bells one more goddamn time I’m going to (REDACTED ~Editor). How can I stop this shit?
– Brian Q.
Juan see email and remember funny movie National Lampoon Christmas Vacation. Juan watch movie every year it is very funny. Watch movie no help solve problem but you watch movie you laugh and have fun.
Señor Brian, Juan live in very poor neighborhood so he no have neighbor with big house lights but Juan have neighbor who play music all night long. You say neighbor stop playing music at night but Juan neighbor no stop until very early in morning because neighbor stupid fucking idiot who no have job and do drugs all night with stupid idiot friends. Juan think you very lucky gringo neighbor turn off music at night and you no complain but that is fine Juan still help you anyway.
Juan solve problem with neighbor by play loud music in morning when neighbor sleep after do drug all night. Juan have job but Juan leave music on all day. Juan put on badass song by metal band Metallica and Iron Maiden but Juan also put on song about genie in bottle by Christina Aguilera. Juan turn up music very loud and go to work. Juan come home at night and neighbor say “ey pendejo you leave music on all day I no sleep”. Juan say “sorry señor I put on music and forget turn off because I late for work and run out door”. Juan do this every day for two week and one day neighbor no play loud music all night anymore.
Señor Brian you must do what Juan do but you do different so policía no come to door. Neighbor play loud music all day you must make loud noise at night when neighbor sleep. You buy air horn or vuvuzela and make loud noise outside neighbor house in middle of night like fútbol fan. You make noise and run back inside house so neighbor no see you. When neighbor ask you about noise you say “yes señor I hear loud noise too it wake me up I almost poop in bed”. Do this every night no let neighbor see. One day neighbor no play music all day and night then you no make noise at night. Neighbor see noise no happen when he no play music and no play music anymore.
You say “ey Juan I have job in morning I must sleep at night!” That is fine you wake up early and make noise very early then you work out go run and lift weight and become big and strong. You become big and strong then shave head and grow manly beard look like man Juan see pull truck you do this then tell neighbor “Turn down music por favor”. If neighbor say no you say “I no ask question señor you turn down music”. Man see you look like big strong man who pull truck so he turn down music.
You make annoying noise at night neighbor stop making annoying noise all day and night.
Best of luck to you amigo.
Last question Juan answer from gringo who ask Juan many stupid question all of the time.
Dear Juan,
Is cereal a soup?
– Cave J.
Señor Cave write letter to Juan in April ask question “What is meaning of life?” Juan say that no giving advice but Juan answer anyway. Señor Cave keep write many stupid question that no about give advice and Juan no answer but AJ say Señor Cave is loyal reader so Juan must answer another question what in the hell Juan give advice no answer stupid question. Señor Cave you no hear about website Google? You go to Google and ask many stupid question. AJ tell Juan he must answer stupid question about cereal so Juan answer it now.
Cereal no soup because it no hot. You eat cold soup? Juan think no. Juan see homeless man on street eat cold soup out of can but that is because he no have stove to make soup hot. You put milk and cereal on stove and cook when you eat? Juan say no. You no cook bowl of Fruit Loops you eat with cold milk.
AJ read this and say “Yes Juan but what about oatmeal? Is hot and have water” Oatmeal no soup because it no have broth. Water is no broth you must add ingredient to make water broth. Oatmeal also no have too much water if oatmeal have mucho agua you make wrong. You must make oatmeal soft but no make it look like soup.
No Señor Cave cereal no soup you no ask stupid question again you have stupid question use website Google ask there. You need advice you ask Juan.
Best of luck to you, amigo.
Do you have a problem and need Juan’s advice? Leave it in the comments (Disqus required, it’s free and easy to sign up) or drop Juan an email at [email protected].
Angry_Jerk