Hola amigos, it’s your pal Señor Juan!

Juan very busy at Uncle Paco Taco and T-shirt Shop. When Juan no drive lunch truck Juan work in kitchen make many taco feed hungry customer. Uncle Paco say “ey Juanito we very busy I hire help” and hire Miguel. Uncle Paco tell Juan must train Miguel so Juan have Miguel chop onion. Juan cook ground beef for burrito and hear Miguel say something. Juan ask Miguel if everything okay and Miguel say “I am Master Onion chop chop” and sing rap song no sound good. Juan say okay that is fine I guess and go back to cook ground beef. Juan turn around again and see Miguel hold knife like microphone sing rap song. ¡Dios mío! Juan tell Miguel “ey pendejo no play with knife is dangerous you cut yourself”. Miguel tell Juan “No amigo I am dangerous I cut you with lyric chop chop Master Onion”.

Juan tell Uncle Paco Miguel muy loco and Uncle Paco say please be patient Miguel have autism. What in the hell Juan see many child have autism but Juan no see them play with knife why adult Miguel play with knife? Juan say no Uncle Paco is dangerous you must fire Miguel. Uncle Paco say “no he is son of mi amiga he need job you must be patient Juanito you teach him many thing”. Juan say yes that is fine but it is not fine Miguel is very annoying and Juan want to hit Miguel but Juan no hit man with autism. Juan hit kid with Down Syndrome in Ciudad Juárez long time ago and Mi Hermana Josefina hit Juan very hard tell Juan no beat up disable kid.

Miguel very annoying but person in first question Juan answer today very annoying too and keep make joke other person no want hear.


Dear Juan,

My friend (white) keeps telling me (black) racist jokes about black people. I don’t care about one or two jokes every now and then but it’s every day. This morning he called me “Blackie Chan” and the day before that he called me (removed ~Editor). I’ve asked him several times to stop but he keeps doing it. What should I do?

– Jaiden J.


Señor Jaiden, let Juan tell you about when he meet AJ first time.

Juan go to Home Depot buy new hammer do job with Mi Hermano Rico. Juan buy hammer and go to car but AJ see Juan and say “ey señor I have job for you”. Juan no speak good English yet and Juan like make mucho dinero so Juan tell AJ yes do job. AJ tell Juan hold stick and act like ninja and AJ take picture and give Juan $50. AJ tell Juan he have more work he pay Juan to slash tire of annoying neighbor. Juan no want commit crime because Juan no legal citizen so Juan say “Yes señor I do that for you” and splash tire with water instead. AJ say “ey Juan I pay you slash tire no splash it you no understand English stupid Mexican”. Juan understand AJ but Juan no want break law so Juan tell lie and say no understand English please teach me. AJ say he hire Mexican’t instead of Mexican but he teach Juan English anyway. AJ teach Juan English and Juan teach AJ about Mexico. AJ also see Juan work very hard. AJ say “Juan I am sorry amigo I make joke call Mexican lazy but Mexican no lazy Mexican work very hard have better life in America.” AJ also say Mexican more American than American person. AJ still make joke about Mexican and Juan laugh but Juan also make joke about gringo too and AJ laugh.

Juan and AJ make funny joke and laugh but you say you no like joke so now you must ask self why you are friend with person who no have respect for you. Friend make joke all the time but friend go too far and no stop when you tell him stop then Señor Jaiden sorry but Juan think person no friend because he no respect you. You say “ey amigo why you keep call me Blackie Chan I tell you no call me that you make too many bad joke I no want hear bad joke all of the time”. If friend no listen then you must say “okay I leave now I go play PlayStation instead”. You go play PlayStation and no be friend with person who make fun of you every day.

If you still want to be friend with person then you must make fun of him back. He is white so you must make fun of white man you say “ey amigo I have joke. What is white and 12 inches long?” Friend say what you say “Nothing hahaha”. In Mexico Juan hear joke about gringo:

“What do you call a person who speaks two languages? Bilingual.

What do you call a person who speaks one language? Gringo.”

You no say joke though because you also gringo so it no funny when you say it.

Señor Jaiden you must either no be friend with stupid idiot who no respect you or you must make offensive joke about him until he stop make jokes about you

Best of luck to you amigo.

Next question from girl who parents say no use bathroom after 11 at night.


Dear Juan,

I’m a 20 year old woman living at home with my parents and two brothers. We have two bathrooms in the house, one by our parents bedroom and the other all the way in the basement rec room. Recently our parents made a new rule that nobody can use the bathroom after 11 with no exceptions unless we have to throw up. They said it was waking them up. What am I supposed to do? I’m waking up in horrible pain with cramps from not being able to pee for 8-9 hours. What should I do?

– Ginger F.


Juan say go poop on floor.

You read this and say “Juan why you make joke this is serious problem I need help no joke”. Señora Ginger, Juan no make joke. Parent say no use bathroom then you must poop on floor.

You poop on floor and parent say “what in the hell Ginger why you poop on floor you are animal” and you must say “si mí Madre y Padre, you treat me like animal I poop on floor like animal now you clean up”. You no use bathroom after 11 so where you poop after 11? Parent no want poop on floor then they must let you use bathroom after 11 you are adult Señora Ginger so parent must treat you like adult. They no treat you like adult then you must move out. Juan know it is very hard but you must be strong señora. You work very hard make mucho dinero and get own place where you use bathroom all night. You find job overnight make mucho dinero and use bathroom too then you ask gringa friend share apartment so you no pay expensive rent alone.

Best of luck to you amiga.

Last question Juan answer from señora with date who poop in bed.


Dear Juan,

I started seeing this guy recently and everything was going great, he’s very sweet and kind and fun. But last night I had him over with some of my friends and the whole night he kept having to use the bathroom. Not for “number 1” but “number 2”. How do I know it was number 2? I could smell it from the couch. He went 7 times in 3 hours! And the whole night he was letting out these nasty farts that smelled like death. I thought, okay, maybe he just has an upset stomach. But later that night after my friends left and we went to bed he woke me up at 3 in the morning to tell me he shit the bed. Wtf! Most of the mess stayed in his underwear but some of it got onto the bed and the floor. It was the grossest thing I ever smelled. He cleaned it up and took a shower then came back to bed and spent the rest of the night letting out more rancid farts.

I really like the guy but he’s a grown man and he shit himself in my bed! Am I wrong if I dump him?

– Rochelle G.


Ey Señora Rochelle it sound like he already dump you first hahaha just kidding.

Juan understand man because Juan poop in pants on date many year ago.

Long time ago in Ciudad Juárez Juan meet Margarita Rosalita. Margarita Rosalita drink mucha margarita so everyone call her Margarita Rosalita. Juan and Javier go to bar and Juan see Rosalita sit alone. Juan tell Javier “ey amigo watch this”. Juan sit next to Rosalita and say “oh look it is Margarita Rosalita I buy you margarita”. Juan buy Rosalita mucha margarita. Juan also eat mucho tacos with hot sauce before come to bar. Margarita Rosalita say “oh Juanito qué lindo you buy mucha margarita so I must buy you tequila.” Rosalita buy Juan tequila and drink with Corona beer. Juan say “yes that is good” and Rosalita say “okay Juanito here is more tequila.” Juan drink mucho tequila and Corona beer and have fun with Margarita Rosalita. Javier say “eyyyy Juan you get lucky tonight amigo!” Juan say yes have mucho sex with Margarita Rosalita.

Margarita Rosalita make joke that no funny but Juan laugh really hard anyway so she have sex with Juan. Juan laugh really hard and fart too. Rosalita no hear fart because bar really loud and Juan ask bartender put on bad ass ACDC rock band. Juan fart again. Then Juan sit down on bar stool and that is when Juan know he no fart he poop.

Juan butt feel very wet and mushy so Juan say “ey mamí I be right back I drain lizard in bathroom”. Juan stand up and that is when poop run down Juan legs. Margarita Rosalita say “¡Dios mío! what is that smell? Why bar smell like poop?” Then Rosalita look down and see poop on Juan pants. Juan try run but leave poop trail on floor. Rosalita yell very loud “Juan go poop in pants and he leave poop trail on floor hahaha!” Bartender say “ey señor why you poop pants you get poop on floor tu madré no teach you how use el baño?” Everybody laugh make fun of Juan even Dirty Pablo too. Dirty Pablo say “I no take shower but at least I no poop pants hahaha I call you Señor Caca now”. Juan very embarrassed leave bar and call taxi but taxi say “You poop pants Señor Caca you no ride in taxi” so Juan walk home with poop pants.

Juan very embarrassed when poop pants so Señora Rochelle Juan think man also embarrassed he poop pants in bed. Yes it is gross but Señora Rochelle accident happen sometimes that is life. You no hear gringo saying “shit happens”?

You must talk to him and ask why he poop in bed. Maybe he eat mucho tacos with hot sauce before he come to house. Maybe he have stomach problem. You no know so you must ask him yourself Señora Rochelle. You do this then you decide reason good or not. If reason no good then yes you must dump him but if it is only accident then Juan think you forgive him instead.

Best of luck to you amiga.


Do you have a problem and need Juan’s advice? Leave a comment below (Disqus required, sign up for free here) or send Juan an email at [email protected].

Avatar photo

By Señor Juan

AJ’s oldest friend and AJnet’s resident advice columnist, Señor Juan has been an AJnet Staff member since 2008, when AJ first hired him to pose for a picture and slash a neighbor’s tires. Since then Juan has been a valued member of the team, earning his American citizenship, piloting the AJnet Huey, and keeping Frosty from getting too carried away. His soothing stories, alleviating anecdotes, and ability to smile in even the most perilous of situations help others find the reassurance they need during troubling and trying times.