Hola amigos, it is your pal Señor Juan!

AJ call Juan last week say “Juan you must come to AJnet office I have check for you amigo”. Juan tell AJ please mail check I am very busy with lunch truck I no have time come get check. AJ say “No Juan Stephanie in finance say you must get check in person is very important”. Juan tell Uncle Paco need day off go to AJnet office. Uncle Paco tell Juan “Juanito mi sobrino you must think like empresario. You drive lunch truck to AJnet office sell mucho taco and make mucho dinero too”. Juan ask AJ and AJ say yes that is fine.

AJnet office in big building in Langhorne. Many other office also in building too. Juan pull into parking lot and many people come outside and say “ey lunch truck! I buy taco and burrito too!” Juan make mucho dinero sell many taco and burrito. Everyone say please come back soon por favor. Juan tell Uncle Paco make mucho dinero Uncle Paco tell Juan bring truck to AJnet office building every month. Juan tell AJ and AJ say “yes that is very good I tell everyone at office but Juan Stephanie say you no pick up check”. Juan sell mucho food sell so much Juan forget to see Stephanie and get check now Juan must drive to office again get check but that is life.

First question Juan answer today from man who get mail for neighbor he no want.

Dear Juan,

My neighbor keeps getting his mail sent to my house. At first I thought it was an accident so I told him about it but he said he meant to do it and practically begged me on his knees to let him get his mail sent to my house. He won’t tell me why. I reluctantly agreed because he put me on the spot, but now I’m getting all kinds of packages and foot fetish magazines. He always picks his stuff up, but it’s getting annoying and I regret agreeing to it. What should I do?

– Teddy L.

Señor Teddy, you are very good neighbor. Juan neighbor no do this for Juan. Instead Juan neighbor steal package. You buy house next to Juan? Hahaha just kidding.

Why neighbor no get mail sent to own house? Neighbor have wife and child no want them see dirty foot magazine? Juan think so. Juan no want to know what in package, is probably dirty shoe strange gringo neighbor do sex thing with. You no let neighbor send this to house. El cartero deliver dirty foot magazine to your house think you like dirty foot sex. El cartero tell everyone “ey man who like sex with dirty foot live here hahaha” and everyone think you like sex with dirty foot.

You must tell neighbor “ey el cerdo you no get dirty foot magazine sent to mi casa el cartero think I am dirty man have sex with dirty foot that is not me señor is you”. You say neighbor beg and get on knees. Señor Teddy, why you think strange gringo neighbor like dirty foot sex get on knees in front of you? Juan say it is because he is close to foot. You want dirty foot sex neighbor near foot? Juan think no. You tell neighbor get up or you call policía say “Hello policía I report strange gringo man try to lick foot and look at child in playground all day too”. Then you tell him “No send dirty magazine and package to mi casa again cabrón or I tell everyone you are dirty foot sex man get dirty foot sex magazine and dirty shoe in mail”.

Best of luck to you amigo.

Next question from man who say job make him do too much work.

Dear Juan,

I work in a shipping warehouse. Over the last three years my workload has quadrupled. Of course my paycheck has stayed exactly the same. There’s so much work that it’s impossible to complete it all and now my boss is complaining that I’m not getting it done because I’m not working hard enough. That’s bullshit, it’s not my fault they increased the workload so damn much that I can’t keep up with it. My boss told me I should come in earlier. Sure it’s overtime but overtime or not I already work 10 hours a day six days a week, I didn’t sign up to work a 70 hour work week. It’s obvious I need to get a new job but I can’t apply for any other jobs because I’m always working. Got any advice for a guy at his wits end?

– Ray F.

Señor Ray, first Juan read question and say you are lazy gringo no want to work. Juan work 12 hours six day week and still have time write for AJnet website.

Then Juan read again and see you work at warehouse all day lift heavy box. Juan sorry call you lazy Señor Ray you are not lazy job is very hard. Yes Juan work more hour but Juan also no lift heavy box all day so Juan job easy no like your job.

You say workload quadruple and now boss ask why work no get done. Juan no have problem like this but AJ tell Juan he once have job do this. AJ say job give mucho work but no pay mucho dinero and say “Señor AJ why you no do all work?” AJ say he tell boss “you give me too much work jefe I no have time do it all and you no pay me enough to try”. Boss tell AJ he must no take break he must do work instead. AJ tell boss go fuck yourself stupid idiot and tell boss to do work instead see it no easy. AJ go home and boss do work and see no easy call AJ and say “I am sorry señor you are right there is too much work do what you can that is fine”. AJ say yes that is fine but more dinero por favor. Boss say yes and give AJ more money too so that is good.

You must be like AJ, Señor Ray. Boss no see you have mucho work then you must make him see. You tell boss “ey jefe you give me too much work that is why I no finish all of it”. Boss say “no señor it is because you are lazy you must work harder” then that is fine you tell boss “I am sick jefe I must go home and rest you fill in for me por favor”. Boss fill in and see he give too much work. Boss no fill in then that is fine too you go home sick and fill out job application to new job. You get interview and call boss say “Patrón I am sick today I have stomach pain and I go poop a lot I call you on toilet right now I poop now” then you must make loud fart noise into phone and say “¡Dios mío!” Boss say no come to work and you stay home and go to job interview get new job make mucho dinero no work like el burro every day.

Best of luck to you amigo.

Last question from gringo Ty who write Juan stupid question about egg. Today Señor Ty write Juan stupid question about alien but AJ say Juan must answer it anyway.

Dear Juan,

What’s up with that Xyzabcrst guy on the website? Is he real? Do you believe in aliens?

– Ty G.

Señor Ty, why you ask question no about give advice? This is advice column pendejo not stupid question column.

Juan see Xyzabcrst on AJnet website and ask AJ if Xyzabcrst real or joke by new writer. AJ say is no joke one day AJ get strange email from man who say he in government have alien interview. AJ say “you are lying señor send proof por favor”. Man send audio file and transcript say is real see I have audio amigo. AJ say “yes that is good” and post transcript on AJnet website. Juan say anyone make fake audio and transcript is very easy but AJ say he no care is good enough. Juan go to AJnet office pick up check and hear writer talk like alien at desk tell AJ but AJ say “No Juan that is Chick he is new writer no alien”. Juan very confused because writer is man not woman but AJ say “No Juan Chick is nickname for man Charles”. Juan think writer Chick make Xyzabcrst article but no argue with AJ.

You ask if Juan believe in aliens. Señor Ty, Juan is alien come from Mexico many year ago as illegal alien hahaha just kidding.

Yes Juan believe in aliens Señor Ty. Juan believe in aliens because Juan see alien UFO. Juan tell you story.

Long time ago in Ciudad Juárez Juan have many drink with Javier and Mi Hermano Rico. Mi Hermano Rico say “ey chicas we go out to desert I have firework we blow up cactus”. Juan and Javier say yes that is fine and go to desert. Mi Hermano Rico cut hole in cactus and put M80 firework in hole blow up cactus. Juan look at sky see light. Juan say “Look mi amigos is airplane”. Mi Hermano Rico yell very loud “ey señor airplane you no violate airspace I shoot you down ese” and shoot firework at plane. Javier tell Mi Hermano Rico “Rico what you do pendejo is airplane is too far away you no hit with firework stupid idiot”. Juan look up and see light no move. Then Juan see light move towards Juan. Juan tell Javier and Mi Hermano Rico “Look mi amigos airplane fly towards us now what in the hell”. Mi Hermano Rico yell at plane again and shoot firework again. Light get very bright and Juan pass out. Juan wake up in desert no light and see Mi Hermano Rico and Javier also pass out. Juan ask what happen and Javier say aliens come and take him on spaceship. Mi Hermano Rico laugh at Javier say “hahaha you drink too much amigo alien no take you”. Javier say yes they do. Juan no think alien take Javier but Juan go to sleep at night have dream alien take Juan on spaceship. Juan think is dream but many year later Juan tell AJ story and AJ say yes that sound like many alien abduction story he read. Frosty say alien abduct him too but AJ tell Frosty no alien only look for intelligent life.

Señor Ty yes Juan believe in aliens. Universe very big place many star in sky. Universe is so big Earth no only planet have life is impossible. Now you no ask stupid question again por favor.


Do you have a problem and need Juan’s advice? Leave a comment below (Disqus required, it’s free to sign up) or send Juan an email at [email protected]!

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By Señor Juan

AJ’s oldest friend and AJnet’s resident advice columnist, Señor Juan has been an AJnet Staff member since 2008, when AJ first hired him to pose for a picture and slash a neighbor’s tires. Since then Juan has been a valued member of the team, earning his American citizenship, piloting the AJnet Huey, and keeping Frosty from getting too carried away. His soothing stories, alleviating anecdotes, and ability to smile in even the most perilous of situations help others find the reassurance they need during troubling and trying times.