DEAR JUAN: Is there a Santa Claus?

Feliz Navidad amigos!

Señor Juan no write article for AJnet site in long time. Juan ask AJ why he no ask for new article from Juan. AJ tell Juan that many people say Juan not real and everything Juan write actually written by AJ. They accuse AJ of being racist and say Juan offensive stereotype of Mexicans. Juan no understand why people think this, but AJ tell Juan that people think this because of way Juan type and because AJ make many joke about Mexicans on website. Juan understand why stupid readers sometimes think this so Juan explain everything.

I know how to type in proper English. In fact, I learned the English language from AJ! AJ helped me learn English and pass my citizenship test, he is a very good friend. The reason I write my articles the way I do is because they just wouldn’t be as funny if I wrote them properly (NOTE FROM AJ: The term is “comedic value”, Juan). Read my last article here and imagine if that were written in proper English. It would be just another boring advice column. When Juan type like this everything sound funny and you read in voice Juan want you to read in. Juan write good English but it no funny so Juan write like this instead.

Juan know AJ make many joke about Mexicans on website and Juan no care because Juan not stupid little crybaby who get offended over joke. Juan know AJ no actually hate Mexican because if he hate Mexican why he help Juan become citizen? Why it not okay to make joke about Mexican? You think Mexican weak and no take joke? Juan also notice many people complaining about joke are white and not Mexican. Juan confused because nobody ask white people to stand up for Mexican. Juan also confused because if white people care so much about Mexico then why they no stand up to Cartel and bad government who hurt Mexican more than joke on website? Cartel kidnap Uncle Paco many year ago but white people no care about that because they afraid of Cartel. Juan tell white people shut up and no get offended for Juan because if Juan not offended by joke about Mexican then no reason for gringo to get offended. Juan and AJ very good friends and crybaby gringo no change that.

With that out of way now Juan check email and find message from little gringo child who want to know if Santa Claus real:

Dear Juan,

I am 7 years old. Some of my little friends say there is no Santa Claus. A crazy man singing a bad version of “Frosty the Snowman” says “If you see it on AJnet, it’s so”. I didn’t know what AJnet was, so I looked it up on the internet and found this website. I don’t see anything about Santa Claus on here at all. Please tell me the truth; is there a Santa Claus?

-Georgia McHanlon

Little señorita Georgia, let Juan tell you story from childhood.

Juan grow up in Ciudad Juárez in very poor family. I no have father, but I have Mi Hermana Josefina and Mi Hermano Rico. Mi Madre leave when Juan 3 year old, so Mi Hermana Josefina like mother to Juan.

Every Christmas Juan no get present from Santa Claus but Juan see other kids at school show off many present. Little Pedro have shiny new bicycle. Big Hernando have new cowboy boots. Even Dirty Pablo have new shirt. Everyone in Juárez get present from fat old gringo man except for poor Juan. Big Hernando laugh at Juan and tell Juan Santa Claus no like poor people. Juan go home and cry to Mi Hermana Josefina. Mi Hermana Josefina tell Juan that everyone else no get presents from Santa Claus either. Little Pedro have brother who steal pieces of bike from factory and put back together. Big Hernando have uncle in Juárez Cartel who buy boots. Uncle Paco come in and tell Juan that Dirty Pablo steal shirt from him.

Uncle Paco and Mi Hermana Josefina tell Juan that Santa Claus no visit Mexico because he owe Cartel mucho dinero. Cartel tell Santa Claus he pay them or they kill reindeer. Santa tell Cartel Ho ho ho go fuck yourself and fly away forever. So Juan write letter to Santa Claus ask him to please come to Mexico and bring presents to all the good little boy and girl. Juan get letter in mail next day from Santa Claus that say Ho ho ho go fuck yourself. Juan write back letter to Santa and tell him he fat lazy old gringo and Juan do job better than him. Juan tell Santa when he say ho ho ho he talking to his fat old gringo wife who sleep with many elves. Juan say he hope Santa have heart attack from eating lots of cookies from stupid gringo children. Then Juan put letter in envelope with piece of poop and send to Santa. The next day Juan get beat up by Big Hernando. Juan not sure why Big Hernando angry until Big Hernando say he steal Juan’s mail and pretend to be Santa Claus to play trick on Juan. Juan decide that if Santa no bring Christmas to Mexico then Juan do it instead.

First Juan go to tourist area and steal many stuff from rich gringo tourist resort. Juan laugh at fat stupid gringos and sing Grinch song while he steal from gringos. Juan see drunk gringo chichis too so that is also good. After Juan load up Uncle Paco’s truck with many rich gringo toys Juan go back home and pick out presents for everyone. Juan give Mi Hermana Josefina new necklace. Mi Hermano Rico get nice sunglasses by Ray-Ban company. Uncle Paco get many new shirts to sell back to stupid gringo tourists in Tijuana bars. Juan even give present to Little Pedro and Dirty Pablo. Then Juan remember Big Hernando play mean trick on Juan. Juan no get angry Juan get even. Juan go back to tourist area and steal gringo poop from toilet. Juan use crazy gringo Christmas ice cube tray to make poop look like chocolate Santa Claus and Christmas Tree candy and wrap in nice box. Big Hernando find box of poop candy on step and eat because Big Hernando fat stupid fucking idiot who eat a lot of junk food. Big Hernando find out he eat poop and get mad. He ask who give him poop candy but nobody tell him because they think Juan play funny joke on asshole bully. Everyone come together for holiday and celebrate Christmas because Juan bring Christmas to Ciudad Juárez when fat lazy old gringo no do it because he owe Cartel money.

Little señorita Georgia probably wonder what Juan story have to do with question. Juan bring Christmas to Juárez because he want to do good thing. Georgia you bring Christmas to little friends who say Santa Claus no real. You leave them present that say from Santa and tell them they stupid fucking idiot because Santa leave them present. You do good thing for everyone because that is what Christmas all about. People not get along all the time but you give everyone present and bring everyone together for holiday because everyone have one thing in common. Everyone like free presents. You no see gringo TV specials where they say meaning of Christmas is about giving and family?

Juan was Santa Claus when he give everyone in Juárez free presents. Mi Hermana Josefina and Uncle Paco Santa Claus too when they help Juan feel better. Señorita Georgia you Santa Claus too when you give presents to little boys and girls who no believe in Santa and make them think they wrong and there is Santa. Santa Claus no fat old gringo in red who fly around entire world in one night with magic sled and reindeer. Santa Claus something much bigger. Santa Claus is spirit of kindness and unity who bring everyone together with free presents and good deeds. Anyone can be Santa Claus little señorita Georgia. Man who help person on side of road with flat tire is Santa Claus. Woman who work in soup kitchen and feed poor person is Santa Claus. Everyone who do good thing and make people happy is Santa Claus.

Yes little señorita Georgia there is Santa Claus.

Do you have a problem and need Señor Juan’s advice? Drop Juan a line at [email protected]!