Chicago sucks! Here are some facts about why the so-called Windy City is boring and stupid!
1. Even they don’t know why they call themselves the Windy City!
Ever wonder why Chicago is called the Windy City? I have! That’s why I looked it up, and that’s why I found out that nobody knows!
Nobody knows how Chicago got the nickname “the Windy City”. Some people say it’s because of the cold wind from Lake Michigan. Others say it’s because people from there are full of hot air. But I know the REAL answer. It’s because Chicago blows!
Philadelphia is the REAL Windy City! It’s so windy here that my hat blew away!
2. Chicago is dangerous and full of terrorists!
Did you know that Chicago is full of dangerous terrorists? That’s why sometimes people call it “Chiraq“! There’s lots of shootings going on because the entire city is one big huge terrorist training camp! If you like Chicago, then that means you hate America and freedom (and beer!!)!
My hat might have blown away in the wind, but at least it wasn’t stolen by terrorists who would probably wear it while they do terrorist acts and drugs.
3. Their sports teams all have stupid names!
You know what Chicago’s sports teams are called? I do! Their football team’s name is the Bears. Bears are pussies, I could beat one up if I had to! All they do is eat honey, get stuck in holes, and say “Oh bother”. Why would you name your football team after them?
But then their baseball team is named the Cubs because they’re a bunch of baby bears. Adult bears are pussies and baby bears are even bigger pussies too. I could beat up ten baby bears in a fight!
Their hockey team? The Blackhawks. Or should I say, the Black Cocks! Because that’s what they suck! They even made a movie about it too called Blackhawk Down where some army guys crash their helicopter in Chicago and have to fight off a bunch of angry terrorists and drug dealers until they’re rescued.
The basketball team is called the Bulls, and that’s because Chicago is bullshit!
I need a new hat now because the wind stole it but I know it won’t be a Chicago Bears hat. Or a Cubs hat or a Blackhawks hat or even a Bulls hat!
4. Obama is from Chicago!
Obama sucks. That’s because he’s from Chicago, which also sucks! He was the worst president ever, and he was a communist too!
The wind stole my hat just like Obama stole our tax dollars, now my head looks really stupid so I have to go spend money and get a haircut. Thanks Obama!
5. Chicago doesn’t do brew!
Chicago doesn’t even have any real beer!
Philadelphia has Yuengling, Yards, and Victory. What does Chicago have?
That wasn’t a rhetorical question, Muggheads! I don’t know any beer that comes from Chicago. That means they don’t brew beer there. And THAT means THEY SUCK!
You know what also sucks? When the wind takes your hat and blows it into the middle of Roosevelt Blvd and it gets hit by a Septa bus then a truck!
6. They stole from China!
Who the hell steals from China? I’ll tell you who: Chicago!
Janet told me she had to go visit her family in “Chi-town”. So I asked if I could come because I love dumplings and rice and General Cho’s chicken and fortune cookies and (We get it Frosty, you like Chinese food. I’m cutting this here. ~Editor)
Janet told me no, because she only had one plane ticket. I called her a liar, because I know exactly how to get to Chi-town, and you don’t need to take the plane! You take the TRAIN to 8th Street and then you walk there. There’s no flying, so I know Janet was lying!
I told AJ about this and he said that “Chi-town” is actually a nickname for Chicago. How many nicknames does this stupid city need? It has Windy City, Chiraq, Second City, and a bunch of other DUMB names! It doesn’t need to steal names from China too!
Chicago stole the nickname Chi-town just like the wind stole my hat!
7. I miss my hat.
I really liked that hat. Why isn’t Philadelphia called the Windy City instead? You don’t hear about people in Chicago having their hats stolen by the wind!
8. Deep dish pizza is stupid and pointless!
Chicago is known for having deep dish pizza. What’s so special about deep dish pizza? It’s just pizza with extra crust! Nobody eats the pizza crust! I throw my crust on the ground and let the birds eat it. Chicago took the worst part of the pizza and added more of it. That’s because Chicago sucks!
The wind took my hat and threw it in the ground like pizza crust, and that sucks!
9. I’ve gotta go, my ride is here
Alex is here to take me to the store to buy a new hat. I’ll see you guys (and girls!!) later. Stay Frosty, Muggheads!