DEAR JUAN: Arguments, Unwanted Visitors, and Working From Home

Hola amigos, it is your pal Señor Juan!

AJ call Juan and say “Juan mi amigo I have writer work on new website instead. You write two Dear Juan article again por favor”. Juan say sorry amigo I am very busy it is summer so Uncle Paco lunch truck very busy. Juan try do two Dear Juan article this month but Juan no make promise because Juan no like make promise and no keep. AJ say that is fine he write more himself and have Frosty write more too. AJ also say he have sobrino Timmy write article too. Juan hope la hermana de AJ no find out Timmy write on AJnet website or she get very angry and yell at AJ. Juan watch argument because watch gringo argue es muy divertido.

First question Juan answer today from man who work with very angry girl start argument.

Dear Juan,

I (29 y/o male) work with this girl (21 y/o). She’s the most miserable little bitch I’ve ever met in my life. She’s addicted to picking fights with everyone over everything.

Today I was the unlucky target when I suggested that the company should pay me more. The way she defended the company you’d think she owned it. Of course I pushed back at her and the argument escalated into her yelling at me. At that point I stopped because if I kept going I’d say something that would cost me my job.

This isn’t going to stop, she’s going to keep starting fights with everyone. She won’t get fired either because her dad is the company asskisser. Guess it runs in the family!

How can I handle this? I’d rather handle this professionally, but I’m also open to revenge schemes.

– Erik V.


Señor Erik, Juan have question.

Why you argue with girl?

You say “ey Juan what you mean she start argument first”. Juan know this but what Juan no know is why you argue too. Girl point gun at head and say “you must argue with me Señor Erik”? Juan think no. It take two person argue. One person no argue alone if they do then they are muy loco. Yes girl start argument but Señor Erik you continue argument and that is your fault.

“Juan I ask for help why you no help me amigo?” Juan help you anyway but Juan also say you argue too and you must know that is no bueno.

You want stop angry coworker then you must be in control Señor Erik. You no get angry you get even. Juan know it is very hard but you must be strong and calm like big tree Juan see in forest. You see big tree get angry? Juan say no. Girl get very angry but you stay very calm. Girl want argument but you no argue so now she get more angry and start yelling. You stay very calm you say “ey señora why you yell I am not yelling.” Other coworker say why she yell you must say “I do not know I think she muy loco amigo she no take medicine this morning?” You argue with girl Señor Erik you give her what she want but you no argue you no give her what she want and hurt her more. Girl play game and way you win is no play hombre.

Best of luck to you amigo.


Next question from woman who no argue with girl but girl keep come to house woman no want.

Dear Juan,

Recently a neighborhood girl has taken to showing up at my house. For reference I am a 46 year old woman. The girl says she is 13 but she looks older, like maybe 16?

It started with her knocking on my door one day and asking if she can charge her mobility scooter. I said yes because I felt bad. I let her sit inside while it was charging. She hung around for a while even after the scooter was recharged. I offered her some snacks but she refused. Eventually she asked me if she could spend the night, several times. I tried to fish around for information to see if maybe something was wrong at her home but she said everything was fine. I told her she couldn’t stay the night and eventually sent her on her way. But since then she keeps coming back. Most of the time I’m not home and I keep catching her on my Ring camera but today I was home. I told her I wasn’t feeling well and now’s not a good time but she came back two hours later. Now I’m writing this as I’m hiding from her. Please help me, I don’t know what to do. I’m a middle aged woman and she’s a literal child, it’s not okay for her to hang out here! I don’t know if she’s being abused at home or if she’s just lonely but this has to stop. What should I do?

– Lana G.


Holy shit Señora Lana why you let little girl in house? You say “Juan I tell you why I let little girl in house, you no read question? Little girl need charge scooter.” Juan know this but Juan also know people tell lie. You say little girl is from neighborhood. How you know this? You see little girl ride scooter down street? Maybe little girl have big brother break into house at night and steal underwear. You no know this why you let little girl in house?

Juan read question again and realize you try to do nice thing for cripple girl. Juan say lo siento no mean give rude answer. You ask Juan help and now Juan give you help.

The first thing you must do Señora Lana is find out who little girl is and where she live. You must ask many neighbor say “ey mi vecino you know who is little cripple girl in scooter?” You do this someone tell you “oh yes Señora Lana I know little girl” and tell you where she live.

Now you know who little girl is but you must find out why little girl come to house. Juan think little girl abused at home and that is why but Juan no know for sure so you must find out. You ask little girl many question about home. You say little girl say everything is good at home but you must ask question anyway. If little girl tell lie then you keep ask and soon she tell truth.

If little girl no abuse at home then you must go to house and ask parent why little girl come to your house all the time when she have house already. You must tell parent “ey I no babysitter I no watch little girl for you please make her stop come to mi casa por favor”. Parent say “you are right I am sorry little girl no bother you again”.

But if little girl abused at home then Señora Lana you must be very careful you make mistake and little girl get beat up. Juan say beat up parent who abuse little girl you knock them out and take them into desert and leave them for vulture to eat. But Juan know you do this you go to jail so no do that.

Instead you must call child protection service. You call child protection service say “hello child protection service little cripple girl come to mi casa every day and want to sleep over. I no pedófila you must go to little girl house because she is being abused by stupid idiot parent you go you see and put parent in jail where large black man rape them por favor”. You do this and child protection service come arrest parent for abuse little girl.

Señora Lana this is very difficult problem so Juan think you ask professional instead of Juan because Juan afraid give bad advice and little girl get hurt Juan no want little girl get hurt. You call professional tell them Juan say call them.

Best of luck to you amiga.


Last question Juan answer from gringo Cave ask Juan many stupid question but today he ask real question.

Dear Juan,

How do you feel about people who work from home? I’m in a situation where I can’t reach HR since they’re all working from home and they return emails 3 days later!

– Cave J.


First Juan say gringo work from home because gringo lazy no really want to work but Mi Hermana Josefina also work from home. Mi Hermana Josefina say “Juanito I no lazy I still do work I work harder because I relax at home too and no stress.” Juan say job is stress no relax but Mi Hermana Josefina say “Why must job be stress Juanito?” Juan think about question but no have answer Juan always work very hard make mucho dinero. Juan visit AJnet office tell AJ and AJ tell Juan hard work is for stupid idiot why work hard when you no make more dinero? AJ say he let writer work from home if they want because they can do job at home and no spend money on gas sit in mucho traffic. AJ tell writer “you get work done I no care where you do”. Juan say yes that makes sense. Frosty there too and Frosty say “ey Juan you work from home too remember you write Dear Juan article no come to office every day!”

Juan say lo siento call gringo lazy work from home. It is okay to work from home because you still work very hard and no sit in traffic Juan hate sit in traffic why is I95 always under construction holy shit Juan come to America 20 year ago and I95 always under construction no get fix. Juan see many construction man stand watch other construction man do work gringo construction man very lazy you hire Mi Primo Carlos he do job in one week why gringo take 20 year still no fix road?

Señor Cave you no ask for help HR email but Juan help you anyway because you ask question and make Juan think and learn lesson.

You say HR take three days reply to email and they work from home then Señor Cave that must mean something is wrong at HR home. Juan think HR husband lock them up in basement only let them out every three days. You must call policía Señor Cave you must call policía right away say “hello policía I report crime HR lady husband lock her up in basement she no come to work and no reply to email too I am concerned for her safety Señor Policía please go investigate por favor”. Policía go to house say “we do wellness check why you no come to work and reply to email señora?” HR say “we work from home policía that is why we no come to work.” Policía tell HR “You work from home then why you no reply to Señor Cave he send you many email but you no reply.” HR call you say “ey pendejo why you call policía?” You must say “oh sorry I call policía because I concerned for safety. You no reply to email so I think crazy gringo husband lock you up in basement.” HR say they are sorry and reply to email because they no reply you call policía and make them embarrass.

Best of luck to you amigo.


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By Señor Juan

AJ’s oldest friend and AJnet’s resident advice columnist, Señor Juan has been an AJnet Staff member since 2008, when AJ first hired him to pose for a picture and slash a neighbor’s tires. Since then Juan has been a valued member of the team, earning his American citizenship, piloting the AJnet Huey, and keeping Frosty from getting too carried away. His soothing stories, alleviating anecdotes, and ability to smile in even the most perilous of situations help others find the reassurance they need during troubling and trying times.