America needs a hero, and that hero is me.
2024 is coming, and with it comes the 2024 Presidential Election. With the election comes bullshit.
America is in trouble, folks. The economy is in the toilet, with gas prices constantly climbing, food inflation raping consumers at every turn, and the price of buying a house being somewhere in the ballpark of “Drop your drawers and grab your ankles while we take turns on your ass, bitch”. Never before in this great nation’s history have Americans been so angry and divided. The man at the helm has no idea where he’s even at right now, the guy before him was literally Donald fucking Trump, and the guy before that was basically a communist. None of these people are fit to lead a boy scout troop let alone the most powerful nation on Earth.
That’s why I’m officially throwing my hat into the ring and announcing my candidacy for the presidency.
America doesn’t need divisiveness right now, it needs decisiveness. We need bold, coherent, and strong leadership, not some old fuck with Alzheimer’s or some tactless loudmouthed reality TV star businessman. The American people deserve a leader who is going to put this country’s best interests first while still upholding our obligations to the global community.
What will an AJnet presidency look like? Read on.
The Cabinet
The job is just too big for one man (or woman, we don’t discriminate here at AJnet). Thus, every president needs a team of competent and loyal people working diligently alongside and beneath them to keep their agenda on track. Here’s a rundown of the AJnet Presidential Cabinet.
Vice President
A good first-in-command needs a good second-in-command. Since Señor Juan was born in Mexico and can’t be the vice president, I’ve gotta find somebody just as reliable, capable, and determined as me.
With that in mind, I’ve chosen Adam Carolla to be my vice president:
I’m tired of the partisan politics that dominate DC, and Adam is one of the most balanced and unbiased people I know of. He’s not afraid to call out anyone on their shit, regardless of party, race, religion, gender, sexuality, or whatever. If Adam Carolla were a pack of smokes, he’d be Winstons, because with the Aceman you get no bull.
An AJnet presidency would smash party lines, tear down fences, and build bridges. Adam is perfect for this thanks to his many years of experience in the construction industry. If we want to fix this country we’re going to need one hell of a contractor, and if Ace doesn’t fit the bill then I don’t know who would.
Long-time readers will recall my previous article from 2008, where I said that my running mate would be actress Jennifer Coolidge, better known by her stage name “Stifler’s Mom”. You’re probably wondering why I’ve replaced her. As it turns out, her career is suddenly experiencing a resurgence. Seriously, she’s in like five new shows now, and I saw her in an Old Navy commercial. As such, Ms. Coolidge doesn’t have the time to run for political office. We at AJnet wish her the best as she continues to pursue her acting career.
Secretary of the Treasury
Like I said before, the economy is fucked bro. Seriously, $5 a dozen for eggs? Unacceptable.
America continues to blow money like it’s going out of style. I’m not sure who’s currently running things as far as our spending goes, but whoever they are, they fucking suck.
That’s why I’m making my Secretary of the Treasury whoever gives Snoop Dogg financial advice:
I honestly have no idea who Snoop Dogg uses for financial advice, but this person is obviously a fiscal genius. Every time I turn around Snoop is investing in something new, and his investments just keep paying off. Most of these rappers blow their money on boats and hoes, but Snoop has managed to keep ballin while most of his peers fade into broke ass obscurity. This man has the most diverse portfolio I’ve ever seen, and whoever he’s hired to help him build that portfolio should be managing this country’s budget.
Secretary of State
Negotiating with foreign countries can be tough. We need a real strong man to handle the brutal and grueling task of dealing with world leaders.
My nomination for Secretary of State is none other than the toughest guy I know, Mike Tyson:
A lot of assholes are running their mouths on the world stage. Iron Mike will sort that shit out real quick. Everyone’s got a plan until they get punched in the mouth. During my first few months in office I’ll send Mike on a world tour to take care of anyone who’s got a problem. Vladimir Putin? Punch him in the mouth. Xi Jinping? Punch him in the mouth. Kim Jong Un? Punch him in the mouth. The Ayatollah? Punch him in the mouth.
Eventually the rest of the world will get the message: America’s done fucking around. I call this strategy “Golden Glove Diplomacy”.
Secretary of Education
If the children are our future, then our future is absolutely fucked.
The American school system basically serves as a glorified daycare service to our disgruntled youth, most of which can just barely read and write. Our children are angry, young, and bored. They need guidance, they need motivation.
There’s only one person that knows what these kids need, and that’s former NBA superstar Shaquille O’Neal:
Shaq knows this generation is lazy and unmotivated, and he doesn’t pussyfoot around the subject. This is a man who worked his ass off to become one of the greatest centers in NBA history. He knows that these kids need someone to light a fire under their asses. No coddling, no excuses, just results. As Secretary of Education, Shaq will encourage our youth to do better through unwavering discipline and tough love.
Secretary of Defense
Since Mike Tyson will be my Secretary of State, and thus responsible for handling negotiations with other nations, I don’t expect the United States to have to go to war with anyone during my tenure as president.
However, if there’s anything I’ve learned from years of going to bars and house parties, there’s always one asshole who just has to start shit and get in over his head. As such, I’ve decided to appoint none other than 80’s action star Dolph Lundgren as my Secretary of Defense:
Just imagine, you’re an enemy country or a shitty little terrorist group in the Middle East. You decide one day that you’re gonna pick a fight with America. So you launch some missiles at an American military base or blow up a convoy of American troops or whatever. Within two hours, President AJ is on American TV holding a press conference talking about how he’s going to rain hell down upon the people responsible for the attack. Standing behind President AJ is the giant Russian from Rocky IV, just cracking his knuckles and looking at the camera menacingly. A reporter asks him for a comment, and all he has to say is “I must break you.”
It would be about that time that the enemy would realize that they just fucked up big-time, and probably take their own lives in fear.
In addition to being menacing, Dolph also happens to have a Master’s degree in chemical engineering. Where were you on the day you found out that Dolph Lundgren is more qualified as a scientist than Bill Nye (who only holds a measly BS of mechanical engineering along with a bunch of useless unearned “honorary” degrees)? You were right here on AJnet, motherfucker.
Dolph is the real deal, and if anyone is dumb enough to pick a fight with the United States then may God have mercy on their poor souls, because Dolph sure as hell won’t.
I’ve gotta be honest here folks, as great as Dolph is, he wasn’t my first choice. My ideal candidate for Secretary of Defense would have been the legendary former US Navy SEAL Richard “Dick” Marcinko:
Dick Marcinko was the first commanding officer of the legendary SEAL Team Six, and even came up with the name for the unit (I won’t spoil the story behind it, but it’s fucking genius and involves tricking the Soviets). This guy was the definition of bad-ass, and I could write an entire article just about him. Go read his Wikipedia page for more info, then go re-evaluate what you did with your meaningless life. He also put out a video game called Rogue Warrior. Spineless weak-stomached critics may have panned the game, but I played it live on Twitch and it wasn’t that bad:
Sadly, this man passed away on Christmas Day of 2021, most likely out of disappointment for just how lame this world has become. I have it on good authority that his final words were “Fuck this shit, I’m out.”
RIP Dick Marcinko, a true American hero. You’ll be in my presidential cabinet in spirit, sir.
Any other positions
Any other positions are unimportant. The perfect place to put women, minorities, and other diversity hires. Throw whoever you want here, idgaf.
The Issues
There’s a lot of issues currently facing our nation, and I plan to tackle every last one of them as quickly and efficiently as possible.
Russia
I already wrote an entire article on how I’d handle the Russian invasion of Ukraine, so go read that.
As far as all the saber-rattling goes, I’d do whatever I usually do when some asshole keeps running their mouth: Ignore them. Unless Russia actually steps to us (and they won’t, thanks to Secretary of State Tyson and Secretary of Defense Lundgren), there’s no reason to even pay any mind to whatever nonsense they’re saying. As long as they leave America and her allies alone, they can talk whatever shit they want from their broke ass third world shithole. We’ll be over here advancing the human race and making money.
Russia poses no real threat to the world, and I have a strong feeling that this current geopolitical situation will end with Vladimir Putin being arrested by his own military. You’re on notice, Vlady.
The China Probrem
If China really wants to join Russia in saber rattling, they can fuck around and find out too. In fact, America’s entire foreign policy can easily be summed up as “Fuck around and find out”.
But China isn’t going to go to war with the United States, and the reason is in your homes, and virtually every facet of your life.
Look around at your possessions, particularly the little tags that state the country of origin. What do most of them say? That’s right, “Made in China”.
Indeed, the European Union and the United States are China’s second and third largest trading partners, respectively. Do you really think we’d continue to do business with China if we were at war with them? By picking a fight with the US, China would effectively be flushing more than $1.5 trillion down the toilet. What’s more, China’s largest trading partner is ASEAN, which is basically the Asian version of the EU. Take a look at those member states, most of them maintain really good ties with the US and its allies. They’re not going to bail on that for fucking China. You lose China, go ahead and flush another $1 trillion down the shitter. By starting a war with the US, China would pretty much tank their economy, and suddenly fighting World War Three against a country with bleeding edge technology would look very expensive.
Now I know what you’re thinking here. “But AJ, the American and Chinese economies are linked. We rely on Chinese goods for day-to-day life! If their economy fails then so will ours!”
You’re right, but I have a solution for this.
America was once the manufacturing powerhouse of the world. That’s because we’re situated geographically perfectly with a wide variety of biomes and resources. If we chose to, we could resume manufacturing goods right here in America. Donald Trump knew this much, and attempting to restart American self-reliance was one of the few good things about his presidency. Joe Biden may be trying to shit all over that because “HURR DURR LE ORANGE MAN BAD!!!!” (and because he’s not toilet-trained), but once elected I’ll resume returning manufacturing to America. Once America is a manufacturing powerhouse again, we’ll quickly overtake China as the dominant producer of the world’s goods, and those commie bastards won’t have two nickels to rub together unless they decide to play nice. Also, we’ll be creating more jobs too, so that’s a plus.
We don’t need bullets and bombs to beat the dragon, red ink will work just as well if not better. In fact, I’m calling this policy my “Red Ink Not Bullets Initiative”, or RINBI.
Racial division
When I first started writing for this part, I ended up having a lot more to say on the subject than I expected. It was so much that I ended up just giving it its own article. Check it out here.
As I said in the article, we need to hold the media accountable for fanning the flames of racial hatred in this country. The country is on the verge of a civil war, and these chucklefucks keep pouring gasoline onto the situation by blowing things out of proportion, misrepresenting facts, and being sensationalistic dicks in their “reporting” (if you want to even call it that anymore, a middle school newspaper has more journalistic integrity these days). The First Amendment may guarantee freedom of the press, but President AJ has a solution that will hold the media accountable for exacerbating racial tensions for profit.
The US military is constantly moving around their weapons from base to base. President AJ might decide to order some ordinance to be moved across a route that goes directly over the headquarters of major media outlets. President AJ might also order the military to forgo the usual safety checks prior to take-off. This in turn might lead to some ordinance “accidentally” being dropped onto the headquarters of the media outlets. Should the media continue to stoke racial division in America, these accidents might happen again, and keep happening until the media gets the hint.
We’re never going to heal the racial divide in this country until we stop the media from constantly feeding it for their own profit.
The space program
I want to mine an asteroid.
That’s right, as president I will make it my mission for the United States to successfully reach and mine an asteroid. I will have NASA work hand-in-hand with Elon Musk and the world’s best rocket engineers to come up with a plan to secure the resources of an asteroid. Whatever it takes. The value of even one average asteroid is in the trillions, and President AJ is all about making bank and not giving a fuck.
Once we perfect this, we’ll be able to fund the Mars colony, and eventually interstellar travel. Then the Imperium of Man shall rise, and AJnet can purge the universe of the reptilian menace. We’re coming for you, you scaly fu-
Sorry, got ahead of myself. As president, I’ll see to it that we mine an asteroid before my first term is up.
Gay marriage
This is a non-issue, and President AJ will have absolutely no time to waste on this bullshit.
The Supreme Court has already ruled that gay marriage is legal. As president I have no plans to try to change that. Let them get married, and let me worry about actual important issues.
I’ve commented on this before, so just read this article if you want my take on it. President AJ’s official policy on gay marriage is “Don’t bother me with this shit.”
Abortion
I have a confession to make: I actually don’t know how to feel about abortion.
I’ve heard the arguments from both sides of this issue, and I see some merit in each side. I’m not going to break this down, my thoughts on abortion will be another article at some later time.
What I will do however, is propose an alternative to abortion.
No matter what your view on it, getting an abortion is a very difficult decision for a woman to have to make. Therefore, the best way to deal with this issue is to make it so women aren’t put in this position in the first place.
As president, I’ll implement the most ambitious and effective birth control program the world has ever seen. Instead of focusing on sex education programs and making condoms more easily available, I’ll offer monetary incentives for people to get sterilized.
No, I’m not talking forced sterilization. I’m not a fucking Nazi. What I envision is a program that will offer $10,000 (I’m still undecided on the number tbh) to men and women who chose to get vasectomies or tubal ligation. Both are completely reversible processes, and people who receive the money will be able to undo them so long as they pay back the money in full.
Some of you might think this is targeting poor people. It is. If you can’t afford to raise kids you shouldn’t be having them. Having children that you can’t take care of often leads to the children growing up in a bad environment and just creates future criminals. Even most poor people would agree that they’d rather not have kids because they can’t handle the responsibility. Having unwanted children also pushes poor people even further into poverty, continuing the cycle that keeps the lower class trapped.
I’m not suggesting we forcibly sterilize poor people, nor am I saying we should take away their kids or anything. By offering money to people to get sterilized, we’ll be combatting poverty, hunger, crime, child abuse, overpopulation, pollution, and many other issues in one fell swoop. Poor people get free money and don’t have to worry about having to raise unwanted kids or making the difficult decision to get an abortion, and society as a whole will see improvement in many ways. Literally everybody wins in this scenario, and I can’t see how anyone could be against this idea.
Global warming
I think the left is exaggerating on this one, but they’re not entirely wrong either. Anyone who thinks there’s nothing wrong with dumping tons of smog and other pollutants into the environment is either an idiot or the Chinese government.
An AJnet presidency would see the United States putting more money into clean energy sources, such as nuclear fusion. I’d expedite this shit too so we’d have it up and running in the next five to ten years. Along with reducing carbon emissions, this also has the added bonus of telling the Saudis and other Arab dictators to go fuck themselves. Imagine if the entire civilized world stopped buying oil. Assholes like the House of Saud and the Ayatollah would go flat broke and wind up dangling at the end of a rope for all the crimes they’ve committed against their own people. Yet another part of my “Red Ink Not Bullets Initiative”. America saves the day again, lads.
We also need to take care of our parks and forests. Nobody wants to see the United States turn into a sprawling Mega City One-style ghetto. President AJ would put more protections into place that limit the spread of urban decay and prevent people from needlessly tearing up the environment to build more useless bullshit that we don’t need, like dollar stores, nail salons, high-rise condos, low-income housing projects, or fast food chain franchises.
Anything else
Look, I’m not Batman. I can’t conceive a contingency plan for every single possibility. Shit’s gonna happen that we’re not prepared for, that’s the way she goes.
It’s not about how prepared you are for potential problems as much as it is how you handle the unexpected ones. America needs a leader that can think on-the-fly and react dynamically and responsibly to an ever-changing geopolitical landscape. Joe Biden can’t do that. Neither can Donald Trump, Ron DeSantis, or any of these other clowns.
I can.
Dear readers, I promise you that, if you elect me as president of the United States, I will handle any crisis this nation faces with precision and care.
Who are you going to elect for president next year, America? The old guy with Alzheimer’s? The crybaby egomaniac? The fucking governor of Florida?
No, you’re going to elect me, AJ.
You’re going to go into that voting booth, and you’re going to write in “AJ of AngryJerk.net” on that ballot. Then you’re going to watch as I win the election, become the President of the United States of America, then finally fix things in this country and this entire world.
And if I lose? Then it was obvious that the election was fixed, and you should storm the Capitol Building in my name to express your disgust.
Editor’s note: Our lawyers have advised us to clarify that we were just joking about that last line. Please don’t commit crimes in our name.
Señor Juan