Election season is upon us, folks!
With my recent announcement that I’m running for president, I’ve decided that I’m going to be a president of the people, for the people, and by the people. As such, I need to get out there and see what the people think and how they feel about the hard-hitting issues such as what bathroom to use, who’s getting married to who, and what Donald Trump is up to. And what better way to do that than to visit Reddit?
My presidency will be all about unity and working with both parties to get shit done around here, so it’s only right that I check in on both sides of the political spectrum and get their valued insight on the biggest problems our great nation is facing. With that in mind, my first stop on the AJnet Political Unity Tour will be r/Liberal, home of our left-leaning friends.
They tried “red shirt day” on the USS Enterprise once. It ended with over half the crew dead and Captain Kirk in bed with a Klingon commander:
By electing an 80 year old Alzheimer’s patient to run the country?
Packing your bags and moving to another political district just so you can cast a vote against someone you don’t like is a level of petty spitefulness that I can almost respect:
Yes, they should protest peacefully, like ANTIFA and BLM did during the summer of 2020:
It’s always Trump’s fault. Orange man bad. Orange man VERY bad:
“Officer, I’d like to report a crime!”
“What’s the problem?”
“My neighbors keep parking their trucks on the street in front of my house!”
“And what are they doing?”
“They’re just parked there, and… Oh god, I can’t… They… They’re… THEY’RE FLYING DONALD TRUMP FLAGS!”
“… Sir, this is an emergency line. Don’t call this number unless there’s an actual emergency.”
“OMG THE POLICE ARE DRUMPF SUPPORTER NAZIS!!!”
Wait, I thought rich white people were the problem. Now it’s POOR white people?
“Except of course if it goes against my beliefs. In which case it’s racist and fascist and should be silenced.”
Except for the fact that homophobia is way more rampant in black communities than it is in white ones. These people would know that if they came down from their ivory towers every once in a while and actually interacted with someone who isn’t just another white suburbanite virtue-signaler:
I wonder if I can find this same post over on r/Conservative:
In fact, let’s go take a look right now. What’s shaking on the right side of the
autism political spectrum?
I didn’t find any posts about how to deal with family members on the opposite political side, but that’s just because they’re being censored:
Yes, it’s wokeness that’s making people not want to enlist. Who WOULDN’T want to be sent off to fight in some third world shithole and die to secure the interests of rich corrupt assholes?
Wait, did I accidentally go to r/Libertarian?
“you_have_no_brain” is a fitting username, because this guy probably just blew all of r/Conservative’s collective minds:
Every night when you’re Charlie Sheen:
You can’t just paint turds red and go around telling people you’re selling roses:
what the fuck does this even mean:
Yeah, next thing you know they’ll have Jesus saying libtard shit like “Do unto others as you would have others do unto you”:
Looks like getting high instead of going to court finally caught up to him:
“We need the government to ban TikTok from America!”
“Wait, blocking our citizens from viewing a foreign website? Isn’t that the same thing China does to their people? That’s censorship.”
“But China bad! Our data!”
“Yeah, but China can just buy that data from any less than scrupulous American company.”
“Nuh-uh! That’s a straw man! Companies like Facebook and Google would never do that! China is using TikTok to spy on our government! CHINA BAD!”
“Maybe, but then couldn’t we just restrict TikTok from government employees and facilities instead of the whole country?”
“NO, CHINA BAD! Also they’re using it to spread woke propaganda and make our youth weak!”
“But so are Netflix, Disney, and most major American media companies. We just had a whole discussion the other d-”
“CHINA BAD THOUGH!”
Well readers, I think if there’s one thing I’ve learned from my visits to r/Liberal and r/Conservative it’s that both sides of the political spectrum have one thing in common: They’re both full of shit. Two turds being flushed down the same toilet.
I’ve had just about enough politics for one day. Take us out of here, DJ Jazzy Jeff.