Bud Light still tastes like piss, no matter who their spokesperson is or how their bottles look.

Rainbow capitalism strikes again folks.

In the latest edition of Pandering I’m sorry, Inclusivity Monthly, Bud Light hired on trans “celebrity” Dylan Mulvaney to do beer advertisements, and also changed their cans from blue to rainbow colored.

People are heavily divided over this shit. Straight white liberal suburbanites are practically tripping over themselves to virtue signal about how much they love this and how it obviously must mean that Bud Light cares about trans people. On the opposite end of the spectrum, Kid Rock made a video of himself shooting Bud Light cans, and other conservatives have called for a boycott of Bud Light because this is clearly an assault on American values.

Meanwhile I’m over here trying to figure out who the fuck Dylan Mulvaney is. I’d never even heard of Dylan Mulvaney until this “controversy”, and I still have no idea who the fuck this person is or what they even really do. The best I can come up with is “trans TikTok influencer”. I don’t use TikTok (though I will defend your right to use it) so I have no idea who any of their top “influencers” are, nor do I have any real desire to learn.

Let’s just get this out of the way right now before it comes up: I have absolutely no problem with trans people. You do you, I don’t care, it doesn’t affect me. If you want to identify as a different gender than the one you were born, go for it. It doesn’t hurt me or impact me in any way. I’m not sure why non-trans people have such strong opinions on this one way or another, or why people get so worked up and weirded out over the idea that someone identifies as the opposite gender. I don’t think I’ll ever get the hang of the gender pronoun stuff, but if someone at least makes the effort to look the part then it’s easier for me to make the effort to call you by whatever gender you want, and I’ll be just as respectful to you as you are to me. I’m against attacking anyone solely because they’re trans, just like I’m against attacking someone because they’re gay, Christian, Jewish, black, whatever. Trans rights are human rights, and I’m a staunch supporter of human rights, even if I think most humans are idiots.

That said, companies need to stop coming out with their supposed political views. Nobody cares, shut the fuck up and provide the service your customers are paying you for. Stop acting like you care about anything other than making money. There’s also no way in hell you speak for your whole company. You’re a large corporation with millions of employees, not the Borg from Star Trek. Those millions of people all have different views and beliefs. Isn’t that part of that diversity thing you’re always preaching about? What gives you the right to speak for those people? Also, your company is run by rich white straight people. The woman who came up with the promotion, Alissa Heinerscheid, is a straight white woman. She even admits in that article that the only reason she got Mulvaney involved was to pander to people who believe in trans rights. Typical virtue-signaling assholes yet again thinking they can speak for groups they perceive as weaker, and typical large corporation pretending they’re “brave and controversial” to boost sales.

Instead of worrying about trans rights and other contemporary politics, the Bud Light people should worry about making a beer that doesn’t taste like ass. I’m no beer snob, but only an idiot with no taste would willingly drink that shit. In fact, I’m about 90% certain that Bud Light could chemically qualify as urine. You can put it in a rainbow can and have a trans TikTok celebrity shill it all you want, it’s not going to change the fact that it tastes like dumpster juice. Your political statements hold no water when your beer tastes like fermented pisswater.

You know what’s even cringier than a company pretending it gives a fuck about trans rights to sell more beer? Someone making a video of themselves shooting cases of beer because a company pretended to give a fuck about trans rights.

I love Kid Rock. Devil Without a Cause is one of my favorite albums, I grew up listening to that shit. The associated single “Devil Without a Cause” is and always will be a straight up banger, and I’m sad that Joe C. died before he could record his solo album. I also know Kid Rock is a hardcore conservative, and that’s fine too, I can respect someone else’s views and enjoy their music without agreeing with them.

But bro, the beer can video was cringe af.

I don’t even like using the phrase “cringe”, I think it’s way too overused, but this is one of the times where it actually applies perfectly.

Longtime followers of the site might remember wayyyy back in 2009 when I recorded a video of myself going around a local state park haphazardly cutting down baby trees for Earth Day (the video is long gone, I locked it away in a CIA vault with the secret recording of the Kennedy assassination where the Babushka Lady is shown to be the shoot- I’ve said too much already). That video was cringy as shit, but it still wasn’t as cringy as Kid Rock shooting cases of beer with an assault rifle in protest of Bud Light using Dylan Mulvaney as a spokesperson. I’m not sure why this would affect anyone so much that they’d feel the urge to grab a gun and shoot cans in response, nor am I sure what Kid Rock hoped to accomplish by publicly sharing the video. Congrats Rock, you succeeded in shooting some beer cans and making yourself look like a fucking dork. I’ll still keep listening to your music, but holy shit man, I’m not going to pretend like that wasn’t the cringiest thing I’ve ever seen in my life. Why do you feel so strongly about some shitty beer pandering to white suburban college liberals trans people? Did Dylan Mulvaney try to touch your dick at the urinal or something? Calm down dude, it’s going to be okay, Dylan isn’t gonna hurt you.

I don’t give two fucks about Dylan Mulvaney. I don’t care that Bud Light is using a trans spokesperson. I don’t care what color cans or bottles they use. You can put rainbow sprinkles on a dog turd, but it’s still a dog turd. AJnet is totally down to boycott Bud Light. Not because of their stance on trans rights, but because it tastes like shit.

4/13/23 – Update: Good job idiots, your pointless virtue-signaling cost you over $5 billion.

By Angry_Jerk

The CEO/Editor-in-chief of AJnet, and the current king of internet ranting. Hailing from the fine village of Northeast Philadelphia, AJ has been creating content on the internet for over 15 years. None of it has really been funny or entertaining, but he keeps trying anyway. When he’s not creating new articles for the site, he can be found hitting the weights, watching anime, or playing retro video games.