Enough foreplay, let’s cut the crap and kick the Ruskies out of Ukraine.
When Russia launched its invasion of Ukraine back in February of 2022, many people, myself included, expected it to be a steamroll. Those of you who were alive for the Soviet Union will remember the constant threat of nuclear war, awesome movies like Red Dawn, and stupid things like hiding under your desk during air raid drills (Did they really think that shit would actually do anything? People in the past were retards). Those of you who are under 18 will remember the most recent season of Stranger Things, where Winona Ryder and that guy who looks and acts like a character from Grand Theft Auto V had to go break Hopper out of a prison in Russia. Sorry kids, that’s as close to the authentic thing as you’ll ever get.
For years, us Americans were told that the Russians were our equals on the world stage. “Russia has more nukes than anyone!” “Russia can reach the US mainland with their nukes!” “Putin is a master strategist that’s five steps ahead of everyone else!” “Putin is so smart that he managed to beat the Kobayashi Maru!”
We were fucking lied to.
Russia is the biggest fucking paper tiger I’ve ever seen in my life, holy shit. This is the Red Dawn we were afraid of:
For fuck’s sake, most of these poor Russian kids had no idea what the fuck was even going on until they were getting their shit wrecked by Ukrainian soldiers and civilians.
Look at this dumb ass shit:
This was their pathetic attempt to take the Ukrainian capital city of Kyiv or Kiev or however the fuck you spell that shit. A 40 mile convoy of troop transports and tanks. The only thing that could stop the mighty Russian war machine was running out of gas. No, I’m not making this up. Bloody fucking brilliant, Russia. I wonder why you failed to take the capital and ended up getting pushed back.
Indeed, even with an invasion force of around 200,000, Russia has yet to take even half of Ukraine.
You guys honestly have no idea how embarrassed I am right now as I write this. I’m embarrassed on multiple levels. I’m embarrassed that I actually believed Russia was a threat, I’m embarrassed at the Russians’ pathetic attempt at conquest, and I’m embarrassed that we’re still letting them pull this shit. I want to know why the fuck, after witnessing just how weak and pathetic Russia’s military really is, we’re letting them continue to run roughshod over Ukraine.
I’m tired of this proxy war bullshit we’re pulling by sending Ukraine weapons and money. It’s a waste of time and a waste of money (one in the same, really). We can easily end this nonsense right now, and while President Joe Biden barely knows what planet he’s on, ol’ Uncle AJ has a solution.
The first step should be to issue an ultimatum to Russia: You have 72 hours to GTFO of Ukraine.
President AJ would tell Russia that they have 72 hours to fully withdraw all of their forces from Ukrainian territory. That includes Crimea, Donbas, and any other areas that were part of Ukraine on a map from 2008. NATO and the European Union are free to join in on this and back us, but I’m not counting on it, since when it comes to actually getting shit done Eurocucks have proven time and time again to be content to take the back seat and let America do the heavy lifting. No problem guys, I know you’re all too busy bragging on Reddit about how much better than America you are and quoting gun violence statistics at us to actually go do anything about real injustice. Don’t worry, we’ve got this, just like we did in the 1940’s.
Should Russia fail to listen to this warning, the next step would be coordinated air strikes against Russian forces in Ukraine.
Now I know what you’re thinking here. “B-but AJ, wouldn’t Russia declare war on us, and strike the American mainland with nukes?”
Assuming of course the Russians actually kept up with the required maintenance of their nuclear arsenal and didn’t simply embezzle the funds (doubtful), President AJ has this angle covered too.
Before issuing our first ultimatum to Russia, unbeknownst to them, I would have a quarter of American ICBMs lined up to strike various targets in Russia, including the Kremlin and any high-profile governmental and military targets. America has about 400 ICBMs in our arsenal. Utilizing even just a quarter of them, that’s 100 ICBMs primed and ready to rain Hell down upon the Motherland. The moment a launch was even detected headed towards American territory, orders would be given to turn the entirety of Russia into a radioactive wasteland. Russia isn’t entirely stupid, they know that America wouldn’t fuck around if the continental US were under attack. It’s unlikely they’d launch nukes if we simply attacked their troops in Ukraine.
Another factor to consider here is that China wouldn’t want a nuclear war between the US and Russia, since they border Russia, and they know which direction the fallout would go. Also, the US is China’s biggest trading partner, by far. Make no mistake, while China talks a lot of shit, at the end of the day they know which side their bread is buttered on, and it sure as hell isn’t Russia. China has much to gain by avoiding a US/Russian nuclear war.
Back on track. So now American forces have conducted coordinated air strikes against the Russians in Ukraine, succeeding in decimating much of the occupation force. As the Ukrainians retake most of their territory, President AJ comes forth with a new ultimatum for Russia: Russian forces now have 24 hours to fully withdraw their forces from Ukraine, or attacks will be carried out against high-profile targets inside Russia. This is where we show our hand and tell them that we have 100 ICBMs locked, cocked, loaded, and ready to lay waste to Russia.
Of course the empty Russian threats of retaliation will come. Sure, you guys might manage to hit us with one half-assed low-yield nuke. But it will come at the cost of your entire nation being reduced to irradiated rubble (which I guess is cool if Russians are fans of the Fallout franchise). This is where China would almost definitely step in and tell Russia “Knock it off, assholes” while still talking shit about us. I’d also have another 50 ICBMs discretely targeted at China, so if they wanted to step too then it’s play time motherfuckers.
Should Russia attempt to ignore this ultimatum, after 24 hours have passed, President AJ would give the order to carry out precision missile strikes on military bases inside Russia and Belarus. Preferably, the ones that are being used to facilitate the invasion of Ukraine. By this point, Russia will have most likely gotten the message and ended their invasion of Ukraine. If not? Glass Moscow. Do to Moscow what those bastards did to Grozny, but do it bigger and better. This is Russia’s final chance to surrender. If they’re total fucking idiots and refuse to surrender at this point, launch the rest of the nukes and render Russia uninhabitable for the next several centuries. Nothing of value was lost, fuck those guys.
The US government, NATO, and the EU have spent hundreds of billions of dollars attempting to come up with a viable solution to this problem, and I just solved it with half a case of beer. That’s like $12. If anyone from the Pentagon is reading this, I am available for hire to help you guys implement this plan, or even to just generally not suck at everything you do.
You’re welcome, Ukraine. You’re welcome, America. You’re welcome, Earth.
Señor Juan