Hola amigos, it is your pal Señor Juan!

Juan get many question in November about gringo holiday Thanksgiving. Juan get so many he no put them all here but they all say same thing. “Juan I no want to go to Thanksgiving dinner with crazy gringo family! Please help me survive Thanksgiving dinner and no kill myself!” Gringo always say they have crazy religious tía and drunk angry tío who vote for Donald Trump and get into fight with other drunk angry tío who vote for Joe Biden.

Juan get many question like this so Juan do Una Gran Respuesta like last time and answer many question with one answer.

You say “ey Juan you Mexican why you give advice about gringo holiday you no celebrate?” Let Juan tell you about celebrate Thanksgiving with gringo friend many year ago in Ciudad Juárez.

Many year ago in Ciudad Juárez Juan have gringo friend Gringo Greg. Juan and Javier play baseball with Gringo Greg every day in big field next to Big Hernando house. One day Juan say “Gringo Greg we play again tomorrow por favor”. Gringo Greg say no play baseball tomorrow he have big dinner with family instead. Juan say what you mean it is Thursday why you have big dinner with family. Gringo Greg tell Juan it is gringo holiday Thanksgiving. Juan ask what is Thanksgiving and Gringo Greg tell Juan story why gringo celebrate Thanksgiving holiday.

Gringo Greg say many year ago white people come to America from England. British people come to America and meet people who already there called Indians (The correct term is “Native American”, Juan… ~Editor). Indians say “ey what you do here white man” and British say “I say good chap we come in peace, righto righto. Good heavens look at the clock it’s tea time yes!” Indian say okay that is fine you come to village we have big dinner together. British say “Here here yes good chap, we will have dinner with you. God save the queen’s bloody crown!” Indian and British have dinner together and eat mucho food British say “Tally ho old chap thank you for giving us this meal, I say! Righto!” That is why gringo call holiday Thanksgiving.

Gringo Greg say “Juan and Javier you come to mí casa for dinner you see what Thanksgiving about”. Juan and Javier say yes that is fine.

Juan and Javier go to Gringo Greg house next day and see Gringo Greg madre in kitchen. Juan look at TV and see big parade in New York with many big balloon. Gringo Greg padre say that is Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade they do big parade every year with many balloon and crazy gringo dance. Javier see many empty beer can and ask Gringo Greg padre why he drunk when it no lunch time yet. Gringo Greg padre laugh at Javier and say it is Thanksgiving so gringo drink mucho beer. Juan and Javier no understand but Gringo Greg padre laugh and drink more beer. Gringo Greg ask padre what time game come on. Juan ask what game and Gringo Greg tell Juan every Thanksgiving gringo watch fútbol americano with Detroit Lions team. Juan and Javier go outside with Gringo Greg and throw ball until Gringo Greg madre say “Niños it is time for dinner!” Everyone come inside and Juan see table. ¡Dios mío! Juan look at table and see mucho food. Juan see so much food he no know what to eat first. Gringo Greg madre make big turkey with many other food like potato and stuffing and macaroni and cheese. Juan also see red food Juan think is Jello but Gringo Greg say “No Juan that is cranberry sauce you try it it is very good”. Juan eat cranberry sauce and say it better than Jello. Juan also eat a lot of food with Gringo Greg family. After dinner Gringo Greg madre say “okay is time for pumpkin pie”. Javier say “Why you eat pumpkin it no taste good”. Gringo Greg madre say no is pumpkin pie and give Juan and Javier big slice with whip cream on top. Holy shit pumpkin pie very good pumpkin pie so good Juan and Javier eat a lot even after eat big dinner. Juan fall asleep on couch until Mi Hermana Josefina come to Gringo Greg house and smack Juan on butt for no come home on time but that is life.

Many gringo write letter to Juan say “I no like Thanksgiving family dinner because mi familia religious and argue about stupid idiot politician”. Juan say family is very important. You no like family because they argue? Juan say that is very dumb reason no like family. You say family argue but Juan know many person family who abuse. Family put out cigarette on head? Juan say no so you must stop complaining and no hate family.

You say “That is fine Juan but you no answer question how I survive gringo holiday”. Mi lectors you must remember story Juan tell about Gringo Greg. Juan and Javier go to Gringo Greg house and throw ball and watch big gringo parade on TV and eat very good food. Gringo Greg padre drink mucho beer and watch big game fútbol americano with Detroit Lions team. Everyone happy because they do thing that make happy. You go to Thanksgiving dinner with gringo family and do thing that make you happy too. Religious tía do thing make her happy when she talk about Jesus Cristo. Drunk tíos also do thing make them happy when they fight about gringo president. Maybe you grab ball and say “Who want play fútbol americano like Detroit Lions team in yard?” Everyone say no that is fine you still eat mucho food. You eat cranberry sauce is very good you eat cranberry sauce you happy and have good time you eat pumpkin pie too and fall asleep on couch.

Mi lectors Thanksgiving holiday about family and food. Family no always agree but on gringo holiday everyone agree cranberry sauce and pumpkin pie es muy bueno so they are giving thanks like British people who come to America long time ago and meet Indians. Everyone do thing that make them happy on Thanksgiving and that is eat mucho food you eat mucho food you survive Thanksgiving.

Best of luck to you amigos.


Do you have a question and need Juan’s advice? Send him an email at [email protected] or leave a comment below (Disqus required, it’s free and easy to sign up).

By Señor Juan

AJ’s oldest friend and AJnet’s resident advice columnist, Señor Juan has been an AJnet Staff member since 2008, when AJ first hired him to pose for a picture and slash a neighbor’s tires. Since then Juan has been a valued member of the team, earning his American citizenship, piloting the AJnet Huey, and keeping Frosty from getting too carried away. His soothing stories, alleviating anecdotes, and ability to smile in even the most perilous of situations help others find the reassurance they need during troubling and trying times.