Hola amigos, it is your pal Señor Juan!
Yesterday Juan go to Walmart store buy clothes. Juan find new shirt with badass heavy metal band Metallica and Guns and Roses. Juan also buy socks with crazy snowman on them so that is good too.
Juan shop at Walmart but get stopped by many stupid customer who think Juan work there. Juan no work at Walmart Juan work at Uncle Paco Taco and T-shirt and at AJnet website answer question. Woman ask Juan if there more underwear in back of store Juan say “ey pendeja I no know why you no ask person who work here”. Woman say Juan work at Walmart because Juan have blue shirt on. She say Juan lie when he say he no work at Walmart. Juan tell stupid idiot woman go fuck yourself and walk away. Crazy gringa follow Juan and scream “Why you no help me señor I tell manager and you get fired.” Juan say go ahead and go look at shirt with Darth Vader. Manager hear crazy gringa scream and come over and say “ey señora why you scream at man”. Crazy gringa tell manager she ask Juan for help and he no help. Manager tell crazy gringa Juan no work at Walmart he no have vest and name tag she no see that? Crazy gringa scream again and manager say “okay I call policía you go to jail”. Crazy gringa leave and manager apologize to Juan. Juan go to pay for clothes and manager say no señor you no pay today it is free and give Juan clothes for free so that is good.
Crazy gringa think Juan work job he no work at. First question Juan answer from man who lie and get job he no know how to do.
Dear Juan,
Earlier this year I was hired by a website to write news articles for them. Well, I might have exaggerated my qualifications just a little bit in order to get the job. I told my employer that I previously worked for the Huffington Post, and that I won a Pulitzer for my reporting, neither of which is true. I also told my employer that I graduated from Syracuse University, which isn’t true either. I just barely graduated from Rutgers with a Bachelor’s in Creative Writing, Juan! I don’t actually know the first thing about reporting the news!
I made up a bunch of news stories, but seven months in the well is running dry, and I don’t think I can keep the charade up much longer. Should I tell my employer the truth and beg him to let me keep my job, or should I just quit now before the truth comes out?
– T.J.
Señor TJ, long time ago when Juan come to America Juan in same situation.
Juan come to America because he want money. Mi Hermano Rico come to America first and tell Juan yes there are many job and you make mucho dinero. Juan look for job but everyone say “sorry señor we no hire you you no legal citizen”.
One day Juan really want job so person ask if Juan legal citizen and Juan lie and say “yes I am legal citizen”. Person say where is green card. Juan say “I lose green card but I find it later and give to you but you let me work now por favor”. Person say yes that is fine and let Juan work anyway. Juan work two month and person say “ey Juan where is green card Señor Impuestos come and ask for it”. Juan say “I still no find green card but I keep looking you let me keep work por favor”. Person tell Juan no Señor Impuestos need green card now or he shut down business and person go to jail. Juan no have green card so he tell person and person say “¡Dios mío! You no legal citizen Juan?” Then Señor Impuestos say “ey why you hire Juan he no legal citizen you go to jail now pendejo”. Person go to jail and Juan feel very bad because Juan tell lie and person get in a lot of trouble and go to jail.
Señor TJ you no be like Juan you must do right thing. You no wait you tell gringo boss now “Excuse me el jefe por favor you give me job and I like job very much señor but I no really work at big important news paper and no graduate from big important school and no have big important award. I write news article but they no real you no fire me I keep writing news article that no real but that is okay el jefe you no read funny newspaper Onion? I am very sorry I lie to you el jefe please no fire me por favor I have wife and kid I need job”. You must tell truth Señor TJ Juan know it is very hard but you must be strong. Maybe gringo boss fire you anyway but that is life and you no tell lie again you no worry about get fired. Maybe boss say “that is fine you still write news article like gringo newspaper Onion but you no lie to me again cabrón you lie again I fire you”. No matter what you must do what is right and accept consecuencias de tus acciones.
Best of luck to you amigo.
Next question ask Juan how to play good prank on amigo.
Dear Juan,
I’m having a prank war with my friend and he’s winning! Give me the ultimate prank to play!
– Sam D.
Ey Sam you no hear of video website YouTube? Many gringo play funny prank on YouTube why you no go watch video there and get idea? But that is okay because Juan help you anyway. Juan tell story about prank he play on Tarde Ricardo long time ago in Ciudad Juárez.
Juan and Javier have friend Tarde Ricardo. Tarde Ricardo always late to everything Javier say “ey Ricardo why you late again ese we miss movie because you late we no see XXX movie with badass Vin Diesel now we see stupid gringo movie Master of Disguise with stupid gringo comedian who no funny”. Tarde Ricardo say “sorry amigos I stuck in traffic”. But Juan and Javier know Tarde Ricardo lie because Tarde Ricardo no have car and ride bicycle to movie theater. Juan and Javier say it is okay but really it is not okay and Juan and Javier instead play funny prank on Tarde Ricardo.
Juan write letter say from señorita tell Tarde Ricardo “I want to go on date with you meet me at club I wear blue dress my name is Rosalita”. Juan no tell Tarde Ricardo is actually club for homosexual. Is 2002 so Tarde Ricardo no use website Google and see is club for homosexual. Tarde Ricardo go to club think he get date with sexy woman. Instead he get many man who want to go on date with him. Tarde Ricardo say “I no gay I leave now” and call taxi cab. Javier have cousin who drive taxi cab he say “yes Javier I will help you play prank on Tarde Ricardo”. Tarde Ricardo call cab and Javier cousin come in cab. Tarde Ricardo tell Javier cousin “take me to bar por favor”. Javier cousin say “okay señor I take you to bar”. Javier cousin take Tarde Ricardo to other club for homosexual. Tarde Ricardo say “ey taxista why you take me to gay club I no ask to go here”. Javier cousin say “sorry señor I no understand you I pick you up at gay club so I think you go to other gay club too lo siento I make mistake it no happen again. I take you to bar now.” Tarde Ricardo say yes that is fine but Javier cousin really take Tarde Ricardo to desert. (Paragraphs, Juan… ~Editor)
Juan and Javier wait in desert in mask with gun. Javier cousin bring Tarde Ricardo to Juan and Javier. Tarde Ricardo get out of taxi and say “¡Dios mío! Why you take me to cartel taxista?” Tarde Ricardo yell for help but Juan tell Tarde Ricardo is fine yell as loud as he want because nobody hear him in desert. Juan yell with Tarde Ricardo too and laugh at him. Javier say “Hey punk get on knees now”. Tarde Ricardo get on knees and Juan see Tarde Ricardo pee in pants. Juan and Javier laugh at Tarde Ricardo and Javier cousin laugh too then Tarde Ricardo fart really loud and poop in pants too. Javier laugh and say “hahaha we scare shit out of Ricardo”. Juan and Javier take off mask and say “hahaha estupido we no cartel we play funny joke you poop pants too”. Tarde Ricardo very mad and try hit Juan but trip on rock and land on poop butt. Juan and Javier tell Tarde Ricardo no be late again. Juan and Javier get in taxi and no see Tarde Ricardo again.
Señor Sam you no tell Juan about gringo friend you play prank on but Juan say make gringo friend poop pants is funny prank friend poop in pants you win prank war.
Best of luck to you amigo.
Last question Juan answer from woman who husband look at too much porno.
Dear Juan,
My husband won’t stop looking at porn and he’s not giving me any attention! I don’t care if he looks at porn but I have needs too, and he’s not taking care of them because he’s too busy looking at videos of other women. How do I get my husband to pay attention to me again?
– Shannon F.
Juan like porno too Señora Shannon but Juan also like woman more. Juan know many man also like porno but like woman more. Why husband like porno more than woman? You no talk to husband first and ask question? But that is fine Juan help anyway.
Juan no see you or husband but Juan think husband like porno because he no find you sexy. Husband watch many hot señorita in porno video and want have sex with them instead. You must be sexy for husband Señora Shannon. Husband come home from work one day and you wait for him in sexy dress. You say “oh papi I very happy to see you come with me to bedroom I show you how happy I am”. You must grab husband by belt and lead him to bedroom and walk very sexy when you do it. Husband try to talk but you cover mouth and say “just relax papi I take care of you now”. Push husband very hard he fall on bed then you must take off his pants and have sex with him. You have really good sex and husband no look at porno all the time.
Maybe you are fat. That is fine Juan help you with that too because Juan fat too. You must go to gym and go on diet it is very easy Juan do it every day. You go to gym and eat healthy food you lose weight and husband say “eyyy chica where is my wife and who is sexy lady”. Juan ask Mi Hermana Josefina for advice and Mi Hermana Josefina say tell gringa Shannon ride exercise bike every day and no eat bread. You do this and lose weight and husband have sex with you and no look at porno.
Señora Shannon before you do anything you must talk to husband first. Ask husband “ey mi marido why you look at porno and no have sex with me you no think I sexy anymore?” Juan get many email from people who have problem but no talk to person first. Why you talk to Juan first and no talk to person problem with? Juan like give advice but Juan also know many people fix problem by talk to other person first you talk to other person and if you still have problem you send Juan email and Juan help you.
Best of luck to you amiga.
Do you have a problem and need Juan’s advice? Leave a comment below (Disqus required, it’s free and easy to sign up) or send Juan an email at [email protected]!
Angry_Jerk