Why gringo celebrate Mexican holiday Mexican no celebrate?

Hola amigos it is your pal Señor Juan. Today Juan no do Dear Juan article instead Juan write about gringo who celebrate Mexican holiday Cinco de Mayo. Juan have new Dear Juan article on Monday though.

Juan go to AJnet Studio this morning and see AJ and Frosty wear sombrero. Juan see Frosty drink Corona. AJ say “ey Juan tell Uncle Paco we order mucho burrito and taco for party later”. Juan ask why AJ have party today it no birthday. Frosty tell Juan it Mexican St. Paddy Day. Juan tell Frosty no St. Paddy Day Irish holiday and it in March. AJ say “ey Juan is Cinco de Mayo!” Frosty laugh at Juan and say “Yes Juan is Drinko de Mayo you Mexican how you no know that”. Juan tell AJ and Frosty no celebrate Cinco de Mayo in Mexico outside Puebla only gringo celebrate holiday but Frosty say “ey Juan why you no write article today for Mexican holiday”. Juan ask Frosty why he no write article about be sober but then Juan remember Frosty do write mucho article about when he sober for year. Frosty no remember though and say “yes Juan that is good idea I do that”.

Juan no celebrate Cinco de Mayo in Ciudad Juárez but Juan visit Puebla de Zaragoza one time because it only hour away. Juan drink mucho tequila at festival and watch people tell story of Cinco de Mayo. Juan tell story of Cinco de Mayo now because stupid gringo drink and say it Mexican Independence Day but it not.

Long time ago Mexico owe Britain Spain and France mucho dinero. President Juárez say “ey we no pay right now but we pay later”. Britain and Spain say “okay señor that is fine” but France say “non monsieur you must pay now we no wait hon hon hon”. President Juárez say “ey go fuck yourself we no have money”. France say “no monsieur you fuck yourself now we come put new leader in who pay us hon hon hon”. France send many soldier to Mexico and take over Veracruz then say “hon hon hon now we go after Ciudad de México”. France come to fort Loreto and fort Guadalupe in May and say “hon hon hon monsieur surrender now s’il vous plaît merci beaucoup”. Mexico say “no señor go fuck yourself” and beat big strong France army even though Mexico have no money. France say “oui oui monsieur that is okay we come back later with mon amis and you no win”. France come back next year with mucho soldier and take over Ciudad de México. Gringo in America stop fighting each other and say “ey France what you do in Mexico stop fighting we no want you there”. France say “hon hon hon monsieur America we no have problem with you mon ami Mexico owe us mucho dinero let us stay in Mexico s’il vous plaît merci beaucoup”. America say “no señor you must leave Mexico they pay you later”. France say “oui oui monsieur we leave now” and run away.

Juan no understand why gringo celebrate day in America. Yes America help Mexico in end but that have nothing to do with Cinco de Mayo battle why gringo drink mucho beer and tequila on May 5 when Mexico no do it? Juan also no understand why gringo think Cinco de Mayo is Mexican Independence Day. Mexican Independence Day in September not May why you celebrate holiday you no know right date pendejo.

Last week AJ tell Juan “ey Juan do Dear Juan video on YouTube”. Juan no like camera so Juan say no but Juan have good idea too. Juan tell AJ Juan give advice but AJ must read it on camera in funny Mexican voice and wear sombrero and pancho. AJ say no that is offensive he no do that. Juan no sure why it offensive Juan think it very funny. AJ say other gringo tell him it is cultural appropriation and he no do that because it offend Mexican. Juan Mexican and no offended but AJ still say no he no make video. Juan tell Uncle Paco and Uncle Paco say yes many year ago gringo also get offended by cartoon character Speedy Gonzales and say it offend Mexican but Mexican say no Speedy funny we like him you no get rid of him.

Juan no understand why gringo say is cultural appropriation for other gringo wear sombrero and pancho and use Mexican accent but is fine to celebrate Mexican holiday they no understand. Gringo say other gringo steal from Mexico when wear Mexican clothes and talk like Mexican but gringo really steal from Mexico when they celebrate Cinco de Mayo but no know what it about. That is fine Juan no offended because Juan know gringo do it because they have fun and drink mucho beer and tequila and eat mucho taco and burrito Juan like beer and tequila and taco and burrito too they are very good. Juan go to Uncle Paco shop and see many gringo customer buy many taco and t-shirt for Cinco de Mayo. Uncle Paco make mucho dinero from gringo celebrate Cinco de Mayo so that is good.

Juan say it is fine gringo drink and eat tacos on May 5 but Juan also say gringo please read book and see what holiday is so you no look like pendejo who think is Mexican Independence Day. You read book and learn true story about holiday then tell gringo friends they are stupid idiot who celebrate Mexican holiday Mexico no celebrate. But you still drink mucho beer and tequila and eat mucho Mexican food because it is very good and it no racist to like good food and drink.

Adios amigos.

By Señor Juan

AJ’s oldest friend and AJnet’s resident advice columnist, Señor Juan has been an AJnet Staff member since 2008, when AJ first hired him to pose for a picture and slash a neighbor’s tires. Since then Juan has been a valued member of the team, earning his American citizenship, piloting the AJnet Huey, and keeping Frosty from getting too carried away. His soothing stories, alleviating anecdotes, and ability to smile in even the most perilous of situations help others find the reassurance they need during troubling and trying times.