Why are pet owners some of the most obnoxious and unbearable people on Earth?
Let me start this off by saying that I have nothing against animals. Over the years I’ve had numerous pets, from dogs to cats to fish, and I understand the appeal. Dogs are loyal and will follow you to the ends of the Earth and back, while cats aren’t loyal by any stretch but they’re downright adorable. Throwing a tennis ball to your dog or making your cat chase the laser pointer is a great way to blow off steam and forget about your problems for a while.
That said, pet owners on the internet are some of the most annoying motherfuckers in the world.
Since the internet loves cats more, let’s start with the cat-obsessed lunatics who feel the need to make sure that you know that they have cats, they love cats, and those cats view their owner as a servant.
I was browsing Slickdeals one day, and I came across a deal on tuna. Half the comments were from someone telling other users that their “manservant” feeds them this brand of tuna and they love it. I honestly had no idea what the fuck was going on. It took me a few moments to realize that this person was roleplaying as their cat. Think I’m making this shit up? Read and weep:
This is without a doubt the Slickdeals account of someone who puts peanut butter on their genitals and lets their cat lick it off. The account has 236 posts. Someone has essentially created an entire alter ego on Slickdeals as their cat and used that alter ego to participate in conversation with other human beings over 200 times. Stay away from me and my family, you fucking weirdo.
Cat owners are obsessed with the idea that cats view humans as subservient, and always seem to feel the need to bring this idea up all the goddamn time. When you do things like refer to your cat as your “master”, it’s not cute or funny, it’s just strange and makes me think that you’re better off living in a rubber room and wearing a straightjacket. Same goes for the people who call their cats their “fur babies”. These are usually the same women you’ll find on dating apps who are pushing 40 and their profile says “Want kids some day”. It’s not going to happen, they know it’s not going to happen, so they compensate for that by projecting their maternal desires onto some poor defenseless cats while watching Sex in the City or The Office and crying themselves to sleep every night because their cats’ codependency is the closest they’ll ever come to knowing a child’s love.
Cat owners also really love including their cat in every picture they take. I’ve noticed this a lot while doing the Reddit Revue articles, particularly the r/Battlestations ones. Many pictures of Redditors’ setups have their cats in the shot, and legions of other Redditors begin dogpiling (pun totally intended) on the post asking about the cat and talking about their own cats. Cat owners are like a cult that’s almost on par with Jeep owners but flies under the radar of our scrutiny for some reason.
Dog owners aren’t much better with their strange and obsessive behavior. Any time I hear someone call themselves a “dog mommy” it makes me want to slap innocent bystanders. You’ll usually find this on Facebook and dating profiles, coupled with hundreds of pictures of the offender with their dog. Any woman who calls herself a “dog mommy” is almost certainly fucking her dog.
The only thing worse than a regular dog mommy is a “pit mommy”. I’ll say what 95% of the civilized world is thinking: Pitbulls are dangerous killing machines and should be outlawed. They were bred to be highly-aggressive attack dogs used in dog fights. Only a retard would think they make good pets, and only the biggest retard in the world would brag about owning one to the point where they’re calling themselves a “pit mommy”. You’re not a pit mommy, you’re a fucking idiot and so is your damn dog. I don’t care how well you think you’ve trained it, pitbulls will always have that aggressive nature, and if your dog attacks me I’m personally going to put it down. I’m not down with animal cruelty by any stretch, but I’m not going to allow a vicious animal to attack me and live. The owner can get some too, because they’re equally to blame.
The only thing more annoying on social media than people posting pictures of their food or children is people posting videos of their pets. My girlfriend sits there scrolling these dumbass videos all day and trying to get me to look at them too, and after 10 years still hasn’t gotten the hint that I do not fucking care. Dog videos aren’t funny, cat videos aren’t funny, your stupid bird videos aren’t funny either. Stop showing me this mindless garbage. Retarded pet owners record every stupid little thing their pet does then upload it to social media where other retards give their approval and encourage even more of this obnoxious attention-whoring behavior. Whenever someone asks me why I closed my Facebook account this is one of the examples I give them, along with people dickriding Donald Trump or Joe Biden.
I don’t care about your dog, I don’t care about your cat, I don’t care about your bird, I don’t care about your fucking goldfish, I don’t care about any of your pets. Now stop interjecting them into every damn conversation.