Lately Russia and Vladimir Putin have been attempting to come off as hard-asses on the world stage.

They’ve been going around disrespecting America and talking about how great the Soviet Union was. Fair enough, the guy wants his country to be powerful. I can understand that. But now, they have the gall to say this shit:

I agree that the United States will collapse and split up into separate nations, but not like this. What took the cake and pissed on it was “Alaska will go to the Russians.” Everything else is “Might, either, or”, but not Alaska. Alaska will go to the Russians. It’s this arrogance that has caused me to take the following action. Henceforth, Russia is part of my “Axis of countries that need to be destroyed”. Since an axis generally refers to three countries, Russia will be replacing Mexico. Señor Juan is breathing a sigh of relief right now. At least Mexico has good food. What does Russia have other than a bunch of enemies for James Bond movies? For those who haven’t picked up on my numerous hints during this website’s tenure, my “Axis of countries that need to be destroyed” is as follows: Japan, France, and Russia.

Let’s take another look at this Russian professor’s map, this time dissecting it.

“The Texas Republic will be part of Mexico or under Mexican influence.” Jesus Christ, does this guy have even a basic understanding of American culture? The people in that area despise Mexicans, especially Texans. The area might have an exceeding population of illegal immigrants, but not enough to make it go running to join Mexico when our government collapses. This is the worst political analysis I’ve ever heard. And this guy is supposed to be renowned over there?

“Hawaii will go to either Japan or China.” This isn’t a prediction based on analysis as much as it is stating the obvious. Most likely, Hawaii would go join China. However, it’s always possible Hawaii might try to form its own nation, which it was at one point before joining the US. It probably wouldn’t last that long if it did.

“The Californian Republic will be part of China or under Chinese influence.” If you didn’t use History Class as nap time (I was usually the only one awake), you’ll know why an overseas colony won’t work. For the slow, look at a world map and see how far apart California and China are. It wouldn’t be worth transporting troops and supplies across the Pacific to attempt to crush the resistance from people who don’t want to be ruled by Communist China. If by some freak chance China was dumb enough to send troops to the area to “claim” it, they’d be kicked out within two years. If the area were to go to any other country, it would be California and Arizona joining Mexico, and maybe Washington and Oregon would go join Canada.

“The Central North-American Republic will be part of Canada or under Canadian influence.” I doubt Canada would be aggressive enough to go claim these states. Montana, North Dakota, and Minnesota would be the only states who would willingly go to join Canada. As for Wyoming, it’s the least cared about state in the Union. What’s it have, some mountains? Whoopdy-fucking-doo.

“Atlantic America may join the European Union.” Not if I have anything to say about it. This guy clearly doesn’t know dick about American history, or America in general. If the EU did decide to stick their nose over here, we’ll send them packing just like we did in the American Revolution and the War of 1812. And while we’re at it, we’ll tell the United Nations to take a fucking hike. If they refuse, we’ll level the UN Plaza, which would be a shame because it would probably make a great hockey arena. Tell Secretary General Ban Ki-moon that we wish him luck trying to hide from our GBU-28s (bunker busters).

And finally: “Alaska will go to Russia.” The only prediction this guy is certain of. Everything else is “may”, “either”, and “or”. But noooooo. Not this. Russia is still butthurt that we bought Alaska for 2 cents an acre all those years ago. I can totally see Putin trying to be a hard ass and sending Russian troops over there. I can also see myself putting a bullet between his eyes if he tries that shit.

Russia has been tempting America by flying their shitty little propeller bombers right near our airspace, then threatening to nuke our planned missile bases in Poland. While I’m against the idea of America’s unneeded global military presence, where the fuck does Putin get off trying to tell us we can’t build our shit in a sovereign nation who’s given us their consent? You don’t own Poland, Poland owns Poland. Go ahead and send your propeller bombers to bomb us. You won’t even make it out of Russian airspace before our F-22 Raptors blow you out of the sky. Welcome to the 21st century, where we use jet engines and not propellers. Hold on a second, my phone’s ringing. Oh, hey World War 2. What’s that? Tell Russia you want your outdated technology back? Hey, remember when you guys tried to save money by using plywood to cover the reactors in your nuclear submarines? Russian military technology at its finest! I sure hope the Russian people enjoy air shows, because Russia’s going to need to put on a lot of them to pay for the fuel for their shitty World War 2 planes.

Russia, you’re a fucking joke. Putin looks like a stereotypical Bond villain. Put a fucking eyepatch on him and give him a laser or some shit. If you guys are going to take Alaska, at least have the courtesy to send me Sarah Palin. Hot hockey mom FTW.

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By Angry_Jerk

The CEO/Editor-in-chief of AJnet, and the current king of internet ranting. Hailing from the fine village of Northeast Philadelphia, AJ has been creating content on the internet for over 15 years. None of it has really been funny or entertaining, but he keeps trying anyway. When he’s not creating new articles for the site, he can be found hitting the weights, watching anime, or playing retro video games.