Hola amigos! It is your pal Señor Juan back with more advice!

Last month Juan tell you how make Uncle Paco Street Taco. Juan get many email say “ey Juan I look up Uncle Paco Taco and T-shirt Shop on Google no find anything why you tell lie cabrón”. Juan no tell lie Uncle Paco own shop. Juan tell lie about shop name.

Juan post real shop name one time on AJnet website and Uncle Paco get many phone call about AJnet website but no call about order food so AJ tell Juan no use real shop name on website. Juan say yes that is fine and call shop Uncle Paco Taco and T-shirt Shop on AJnet website. Juan like job at AJnet website and Uncle Paco shop and no want lose it.

Today Juan answer question from person who no like job:

Dear Juan,

I hate my job. It’s boring and repetitive and it’s a dead end. Not to mention the commute sucks. How can I go into business for myself?

– Carl C.

Why so many gringo no like job? Juan come to America many year ago do many job make mucho dinero but gringo always cry “wah I no want to work wah I no like job wah life no easy”. Juan say cry no pay bill Juan no call electric company and say “yes señor Peco I pay you now with tears wah wah wah”. You want money you must work Señor Carl.

Juan read email again and see you say you want go into business for yourself instead okay that is fine Juan help you.

First what business you do? What you do people want? You draw picture write story fix computer? You must find out what business you do first. You find business you do and then you find customers do good work make mucho dinero.

Let Juan tell you about Uncle Paco. Uncle Paco very poor one day Uncle Paco go to bar in Tijuana find nice shirt gringo tourist leave. Uncle Paco go to other bar and person say “ey señor where you get nice shirt? I buy shirt right now” and give Uncle Paco 400 peso for shirt. Uncle Paco go to many tourist bar find many nice shirt sell to many customer make mucho dinero. Uncle Paco come to America later become citizen open up shop in Philadelphia.

Señor Carl, if Uncle Paco do it then you do it too. Juan ask Uncle Paco for advice Uncle Paco say tell gringo Carl buy low sell high no be greedy and always give customer what they want. You listen to Uncle Paco you make mucho dinero you quit job you no like.

Best of luck to you amigo.


Next question from person who have fat friend.

Dear Juan,

How to subtlety tell someone that they’re a fatass and will die at 30 if they don’t stop eating?

– Cave J.

Señor Cave ask Juan many stupid question all of the time but no ask question about give advice. AJ text Juan say “ey Juan you have new question from Señor Cave”. Juan no want to answer but AJ say “No Juan is real question ask for advice” so Juan read question and see Señor Cave ask real question so Juan answer.

Señor Cave, let Juan tell you about AJ. AJ have friend who also get very fat. AJ say to friend “ey why you eat so much you eat too much you get fat and have heart attack”. Friend no listen and say AJ just make joke. AJ tell friend many time “ey amigo you must lose weight you get fat have heart attack” but friend still no listen.

One day AJ tell friend “okay we go to mall buy new clothes at Old Navy store and go to other store too”. AJ and friend walk around mall and friend say “AJ mi amigo we must sit down I need catch breath and I am tired”. Friend do this many time and AJ say “ey why you keep sit down why you tired we no run race we walk through mall”. Friend tell AJ go ahead without him but AJ say “no mi amigo you are my friend and I no leave friend behind”. AJ wait for friend every time even when friend stop many time.

One day friend call AJ and say “ey AJ we go to gringo restaurant Applebee’s por favor I pick you up”. AJ say “yes we go to restaurant but I must work out first you come over work out with me”. Friend say yes that is fine and work out with AJ. AJ say “that is very good mi amigo we do again tomorrow” and friend say yes. AJ and friend work out many time and friend join gym and eat very healthy food lose weight.

You ask “who is AJ friend how you know this Juan?” Well AJ friend in story is Juan that is how I know this. Juan get really fat but start lose weight when AJ say okay we work out now.

Señor Cave, you must be like AJ. You tell friend he is fat but that no help. You think friend no have mirror in house see fat? Friend say “gracias captain obvious you are faster than speeding duh” and keep eating so you must say “ey amigo we go to gym together we work out and see many hot senorita do squat in tight pants too”. Friend say “Yes mi amigo we do this” and go to gym and lift heavy weight to impress many hot senorita. Friend lift many heavy weight and lose weight too. Next year friend have sex with hot senorita he meet at gym and say “Thank you Señor Cave mi amigo you are very good friend you help me lose weight and have sex with hot senorita”. Maybe hot senorita have hot friend too hot senorita say “mi amiga this is Señor Cave he very good friend help friend lose weight you go on date with Señor Cave mi amiga”. Then you go home with hot friend and do workout in bedroom hahaha.

You workout with friend and help him lose weight because that is what good friend do.

Best of luck to you amigo.


Last question Juan answer come from girl with sister who steal pants.

Dear Juan,

My sister always steals my pants!

I buy a cute pair of jeans, wear them once, and next thing I know my sister’s wearing them around like they’re hers! I’ve told her to stop and I even told our mom but she still does it anyway! How do I make her stop stealing my pants?

– Ashley B.

Señora Ashley Juan also have brother who steal pants. Juan tell you story now.

Long time ago in Ciudad Juárez Juan very poor but Juan work many job and save money buy new jeans from company Levi Strauss. Everyone see Juan in new jeans say “ey Juanito nice jeans señor”. Big Hernando try to beat up Juan but see new jeans and say “no Juan I no beat you up today I no want ruin nice jeans you go now I beat you up tomorrow instead por favor”.

Juan wear jeans and give to Mi Hermana Josefina for wash. Mi Hermana Josefina wash jeans and hang up to dry in yard. Juan go get laundry and no see jeans in yard. Juan very confused think Dirty Pablo steal jeans but Mi Hermano Rico come in say “ey Juan look I buy new jeans too”. Juan no stupid idiot Juan know Mi Hermano Rico steal jeans so Juan say “ey Rico why you steal jeans give them back pendejo”. Mi Hermano Rico say no steal jeans he buy them from store. Juan go to store and store say Mi Hermano Rico no buy jeans there. Juan get very mad first but then Juan say no get mad get even.

Juan tell amigo Javier what happen and Javier say yes I help you. Big Hernando also hear Mi Hermano Rico steal nice jeans and say “I no beat you up today Juan. Today I help you”. Juan Javier and Big Hernando go into Mi Hermano Rico clothes and put them in big pile. Then Juan poop on Mi Hermano Rico pants. Javier say “¡Dios mío Juanito! Rico pants very dirty let me wash them” then pee on Mi Hermano Rico pants. Big Hernando throw Juan Mi Hermano Rico favorite shirt and say “No forget wipe butt Juan” and Juan wipe butt on shirt. Javier pee on shirt too and Big Hernando say “Javier you miss spot señor” and poop on shirt. Mi Hermano Rico come home and Juan pick up poop with sock and hit Mi Hermano Rico in head with poop sock. Mi Hermano Rico say “ey Juanito why you hit me with poop sock”. Then Mi Hermano Rico see poop and pee clothes and say “what the fuck why you do this I fucking kill you maricón”. Juan tell Mi Hermano Rico no steal nice jeans again. Mi Hermano Rico try hit Juan but Big Hernando grab Mi Hermano Rico and throw him in poop clothes. Javier take jeans off Mi Hermano Rico and say here are your pants Juanito. Mi Hermana Josefina come home see dirty poop and pee clothes and beat Juan and Mi Hermano Rico with frying pan for make mess and say Juan and Mi Hermano Rico must clean dirty poop and pee clothes now but that is life.

Juan get pants back by poop on Mi Hermano Rico clothes but Señora Ashley you no do this because girl no like poop joke so you must do girl joke on sister instead. It is very easy and Juan tell you how to do now.

First you must say “yes mi hermana you wear pants I am sorry here I make you cake please eat por favor”. Sister eat mucho cake because cake very good then you must say “Mi hermana you gain weight eat too much cake”. Sister say “I no gain weight Ashley what you mean” and you say “Oops sorry mi hermana I make mistake maybe pants make you look fat when you no fat”. Sister look in mirror and see she look fat in pants even when she no look fat in them because woman always think they look fat all of the time so sister say “I no want pants anymore Ashley you have them now” and give you back pants. You do this you make sister think she look fat and she give you pants back.

Best of luck to you amiga.


Do you have a problem and need Juan’s advice? Leave a comment below (Disqus account required, it’s free and easy to sign up) or send Juan an email at [email protected]!

By Angry_Jerk

The CEO/Editor-in-chief of AJnet, and the current king of internet ranting. Hailing from the fine village of Northeast Philadelphia, AJ has been creating content on the internet for over 15 years. None of it has really been funny or entertaining, but he keeps trying anyway. When he’s not creating new articles for the site, he can be found hitting the weights, watching anime, or playing retro video games.