Hola amigos, it is your pal Señor Juan with more advice!

Juan go to bodega with Mi Hermano Rico and AJ last week. AJ tell Juan he hire many new writer for website include history teacher and cook. AJ also hire Frosty crazy gringo friend Alex too. Mi Hermano Rico say “ey AJ I write article too amigo hire me too por favor”. AJ say okay show me how you write but Mi Hermano Rico no write because Frosty and Alex come in yelling about crazy frost giant. Alex say frost giant is real and Frosty say no Alex you are crazy idiot. Girl also walk in and yell at Frosty tell him shut up stop screaming. Frosty say this is girlfriend Janet. Everyone drink mucho beer and later Frosty and Janet get into fight because Janet say Frosty cheat on her with Cambodia girl at bar. Janet leave and Alex say yes Frosty that is why I get divorce woman are crazy. AJ tell Juan no worry because Frosty and Janet together again tomorrow they are both muy loco.

First question Juan answer today from woman who also think man cheat on her.

Dear Juan,

I think my husband is cheating on me with someone at his job. He stays out really late and comes home drunk and covered in glitter and smelling like perfume. One time he even had a hickey on his neck. How can I catch him so I can get the proof I need to divorce his ass?

– Mary Ellen S.

Juan read question and say yes husband cheat on you but not with woman at job. Señora Mary Ellen, husband cheat on you with woman at strip club it is very obvious because husband come home with glitter. Only woman Juan see wear glitter is stripper and little girl under 13. Husband no have sex with little girl under 13 because you say he stay out very late and little girl under 13 go to bed for school in morning. If husband have sex with little girl then you no tell Juan you tell policía instead.

Husband go to strip club and pay stripper have sex with him. You say “Juan that is illegal strip club no do this” but it is true and Juan know is true because Juan go to strip club in Philadelphia many time and pay stripper have sex. Policía no care because policía busy eat donut and listen to sports game on radio. Policía say is no victim so they no arrest strip club prostituta.

You want to catch husband that is very easy and Juan tell you how to do it right now.

You must find out what strip club husband go to. You have friend follow husband after work see where he go. Friend no go into strip club friend say “yes Mary Ellen mi amiga husband go to this strip club right here”. Now you know what strip club husband go to so you must get proof he have sex with stripper.

You go to strip club and say “I need job please hire me por favor”. Then you become stripper. Husband go to strip club and DJ say “okay making way to stage is Mary Ellen” then you come out and dance in front of husband say “That is right I catch you stupid idiot cheater I want divorce pendejo.” You put divorce paper in stripper underwear and make him take from crotch.

Juan write that and think it funny but Juan read again and realize it is not so you no do that.

Instead you wait outside strip club and watch husband come out. Husband come out with stripper smoke cigarette you hide in shadow like detective take picture you take many picture of husband with stripper. When husband come home you ask where he go. He tell lie because he is stupid idiot say “mi esposa I go to bar with amigos from work I have very rough day”. That is when you show picture and say “you no go to bar gilipollas you go to strip club have sex with la prostituta I have picture cabrón you cheat on me now I get divorce and you pay me stupid idiot”. You divorce husband then call friends and go to dance club and shake it off like gringa musician Taylor Swift.

Best of luck to you amiga.


Next question about roommate watch TV too loud.

Dear Juan,

I live with a couple of other guys (rent in NYC is insane) in a two bedroom apartment. My roommate Stephan is cool and mostly just sits on the couch smoking weed but my other roommate Tim stays up all night playing Xbox and watching TV. I wouldn’t care but he’s loud as shit. Me and Stephan have both told him to turn it down because we work and need sleep. Tim always says it’s no problem and turns it down for about an hour, then it’s loud again.

How can we get him to stop? I’m open to anything at this point.

– Esteban M.

Juan read this and think “yes that sound very familiar”. Juan think it sound very familiar because Juan also live with roommate who watch TV very loud.

Long time ago in Ciudad Juárez Juan live with Mi Hermano Rico. Mi Hermano Rico drink mucho Corona at bar then come home and watch TV show Smallville about gringo hero Superman. Mi Hermano Rico very drunk so he turn TV up very loud. Juan say “Mi Hermano Rico turn down TV por favor I need sleep I have job in morning”. Mi Hermano Rico say “no Juanito you go fuck yourself” and turn up TV louder. First Juan get mad but then Juan no get mad Juan get even instead.

Juan and mi amigo Javier go to taco shop eat many taco with mucho hot sauce. Juan also bring TV remote you see why soon. Javier say “¡Dios mío Juanito! I give birth from butt!” and make big poop in toilet. Javier say “ey Juan I poop so big it no flush what I do?” Juan say “you must use poop stick break poop so it flush here amigo I give you poop stick.” Juan say he give Javier poop stick. Juan really give Javier TV remote control. Javier break poop with remote and Juan say “Leave poop stick in bathroom por favor I go poop too.” Juan also use remote break poop. Juan and Javier put poop remote in bag and go home. But Juan say “hold on I stop at Big Hernando house”. Juan throw poop remote at Big Hernando window break window. Juan and Javier run really fast back to house. Mi Hermano Rico come home say “Juanito where is remote por favor I watch Smallville now.” Juan say “Big Hernando take remote say it is his now Mi Hermano I very sorry he too strong I no stop him.” Mi Hermano Rico say that is fine he go get remote.

Mi Hermano Rico go to Big Hernando house and say “ey punk why you steal remote”. Big Hernando say “I no steal remote pendejo why you poop on remote and break window?” Mi Hermano Rico say “what you talk about puto I no poop on remote you give back I hit you cabrón”. Mi Hermano Rico older but no bigger so Big Hernando hit Mi Hermano Rico first and take poop remote and give Mi Hermano Rico poop moustache. Then Big Hernando say “You have poop on face señor I clean for you now” and put Mi Hermano Rico head in toilet and flush. Big Hernando tell Mi Hermano Rico “you want poop remote back I give poop remote back puto” and pull down Mi Hermano Rico pants and put poop remote in butt. Mi Hermano Rico no watch TV anymore but Big Hernando also beat up Juan because mad at Mi Hermano Rico but that is life.

Señor Esteban, you must be like Juan. You ask roommate nice he no listen. Now is time to no be nice. You break remote control and pee on speaker then roommate no hear TV. You do this and roommate no buy new speaker because roommate no have money if he share apartment with two person.

Best of luck to you amigo.


Last question from Mexican who hate American:

Dear Juan,

Hello Juan! Fellow Mexican here.

I hate Americans so much. Why do gringos think they own the world? Everywhere they go, they expect everyone else to speak English for them. They’re fat, rude, and entitled. Americans are selfish pigs who don’t care about anyone else but themselves.

Tell me how you really feel about gringos, Juan!

– Felipe R.

(EDITOR’S NOTE: The above email was sent to us in Spanish, and has been translated to English.)

Holy shit Felipe why you send this. You are very angry person you no understand American. You come to America? Juan read email and think no.

You send Juan email en español why you do this? You no read AJnet website see everything en inglés? That is fine Juan translate for reader and Juan answer in English too.

Señor Felipe you say gringo think he own world. That is because gringo do own world. You drive car? Gringo make that. You fly on airplane? Gringo make that too. You watch good movie? Gringo make movie. You get sick go to doctor get medicine? Gringo make medicine. American have big economy make mucho dinero and American make many thing sell to rest of world. Yes gringo do own world.

You say American fat. Yes Señor Felipe this true but you also forget Mexican very fat too Mexican more fat than gringo you read study you see this. Juan also very fat but Juan go to gringo gym Planet Fitness and lose weight. Juan go to gym in Ciudad Juárez and it no open because thief steal weight and sell to scrap metal.

You say all gringo rude and selfish. That is not true why you lie you lie make Mexican look bad stupid idiot. Juan come to America meet many nice gringo help Juan learn English. Juan have very good gringo friend AJ help Juan become American citizen. One time Juan drop wallet and no know but gringo man see and say “ey señor you drop wallet”. You drop wallet in Mexico Mexican no say anything and take dinero because Mexican very poor.

America no perfect but America better than Mexico Señor Felipe. Juan come to America Juan have better life than Ciudad Juárez. Why you think many Mexican also come to America? Gringo make mucho dinero in America Mexican come to America make mucho dinero too. In Mexico Uncle Paco find t-shirt in bar sell to gringo tourist but Uncle Paco come to America now he open store sell taco and t-shirt too make mucho dinero. Uncle Paco no open store in Mexico because cartel say “ey señor you open store in Mexico you pay cartel you no pay that is fine we burn down store and kill family”.

Juan no hate America and gringo. Juan love America and gringo. You hate America and gringo you are stupid fucking idiot Señor Felipe. You come to America you see why America good and gringo also good.


Do you have a problem and need Juan’s advice? Leave a comment below (Disqus required, it’s quick and easy to sign up) or send Juan an email at [email protected]!

Avatar photo

By Señor Juan

AJ’s oldest friend and AJnet’s resident advice columnist, Señor Juan has been an AJnet Staff member since 2008, when AJ first hired him to pose for a picture and slash a neighbor’s tires. Since then Juan has been a valued member of the team, earning his American citizenship, piloting the AJnet Huey, and keeping Frosty from getting too carried away. His soothing stories, alleviating anecdotes, and ability to smile in even the most perilous of situations help others find the reassurance they need during troubling and trying times.