Hola amigos, it is your pal Señor Juan with more advice!

February very important month in Mexico.

At month start February 2nd Mexican celebrate Dia de la Candelaria. Dia de la Candelaria special holiday where Juan eat mucho tamale and drink atole. Juan come to America and very confused why gringo call Dia de la Candelaria Groundhog Day but gringo tell Juan Groundhog Day is different day and gringo no celebrate Dia de la Candelaria.

February also have holiday Día del amor y la amistad. Gringo call holiday Valentine’s Day and say it is only about woman but in Mexico day for friends too. Juan give woman gift too yes but Juan also give mi amigos gifts and mi amigos give Juan gift too. Mi amigo Javier give Juan bottle of very nice tequila. Juan drink tequila and feel very nice and pee on policía. Policía say “ey señor why you go pee on me” and hit Juan with nightstick. Juan wake up in jail and no feel nice anymore but that is life.

Today Juan answer question about love. Juan get many question say “Juan how I get girl to like me please help me por favor”. Juan no answer that question today because AJ tell Juan no do Una Gran Respuesta every time and call Juan lazy. What in hell Juan no lazy Juan work very hard every day at Uncle Paco Taco and T-shirt Shop drive taco truck and feed many hungry customer.

First question Juan answer from sad gringo who no have girlfriend on Valentine’s Day.

Dear Juan,

Valentine’s Day is coming up next month and I don’t have anybody. I’m 18 years old and still a khv (Editor’s note: “KHV” is “kissless hugless virgin”) so I don’t think I’m going to find a date this year either. Do you have any advice for coping with being forever alone?

– Evan F.

Ey Señor Evan stop being little bitch.

Juan know that is mean but Juan also know you must hear it too. You say “Juan I no have girlfriend I am sad I never have girlfriend” but what you really say is “Juan I have problem but I no fix because it is easy to cry about it instead”. You cry about no have girlfriend that get you girlfriend? Juan say no.

Juan see you say you are KHV Juan no know what that mean so Juan ask AJ and AJ say it mean you no kiss girl or have sex with girl. Juan young when kiss girl and have sex first time but that is fine not everyone do this. Juan have friend grow up in Ciudad Juárez Enrique. Enrique no kiss girl have sex until he 22 years old. Juan say “ey Enrique why you no kiss girl you like boy instead? Hahaha” Enrique say he no care about girl he only care about life and make mucho dinero. Now Enrique marry hot bikini model you must be like Enrique Señor Evan you no worry about have sex kiss girl. Juan read email and see you are only 18 years old why you cry about no have girlfriend when you very young señor have girlfriend is not important. Have girlfriend pay bills and put food in stomach? Juan say no. Enrique no worry about girlfriend because Enrique make money instead. You no worry about girlfriend instead you must worry about school and get good job make mucho dinero then you kiss and have sex with many hot senorita.

You no sure what to do on Valentine’s Day when you have no girlfriend. Let Juan tell you about Valentine’s Day in Mexico.

In Mexico Valentine’s Day is Día del amor y la amistad. In English is day of love and friendship. Gringo TV say spend mucho dinero buy woman many present on day but in Mexico is poor so no spend mucho dinero instead make many nice gift write nice letter for woman and amigos too. Yes buy chocolate and flowers too but no expensive like Juan see at gringo grocery store.

Juan no always have girlfriend so on Día del amor y la amistad Juan go out with mi amigos Javier and Enrique. In Mexico is okay no have girlfriend on Valentine’s Day because in Mexico Valentine’s Day also about amigos. Juan and amigos go out and have fun without girlfriend you do this too Señor Evan. You have friends who also no have girlfriend you call them and say “Hola amigos we go party tonight” you go out and party and have fun and no worry about no have girlfriend.

Best of luck to you amigo.


Next question from person with amigo madre who want have sex with him.

Dear Juan,

I think my friend’s mom wants to have sex with me!

Me and my friend were drinking at his place the other night and his mom joined us. After a few drinks she started getting handsy and flirting with me. When my friend left the room to go pee she rubbed my thigh and asked me if I liked older women. I don’t know if my friend noticed any of this but it’s making me uncomfortable. She’s not ugly at all but that’s my friend’s mom so according to the bro code she’s off limits plus I’ve known her since I was 9 so it would be kind of weird. What should I do?

– Jay W.

Juan say no follow bro code and have sex with hot mom hahaha just kidding you no do this.

Long time ago Juan have friend Dirty Pablo. One day Juan go to Dirty Pablo house and Dirty Pablo mother answer and say “Hola Juanito Pablo no here right now but TV no work please come in and fix”. Juan say yes that is fine. Juan look and see wire on TV very loose Juan make wire tight and TV work again. Dirty Pablo mother say “oh gracias Juanito you fix TV. I give you something for your trouble you come upstairs with me I get it for you”. Dirty Pablo mother lead Juan into bedroom and have sex with Juan. Dirty Pablo come home hear Juan have sex with mother and say “ey punk why you fuck my mother I kill you cabrón”. Juan eat burrito with mucho hot sauce before he come over Juan get nervous and poop all over bed. Dirty Pablo mother yell “why you poop on bed Juanito what in the hell”. Dirty Pablo try punch Juan but trip and fall onto poop bed. Juan laugh at Dirty Pablo and go home tell Uncle Paco story. Uncle Paco tell Juan Dirty Pablo mother prostitute and have sex with many dirty man. Juan dick burn and Juan have to go to doctor so Dirty Pablo laugh last in end.

Juan make mistake when he have sex with Dirty Pablo mother. You no make mistake like Juan, Señor Jay. Maybe friend mother no prostitute who have sex with dirty man but you still no have sex with her because she is friend mother. Dirty Pablo get mad at Juan for have sex with mother. How you feel if friend have sex with your mother? Juan think you no like so why you do to friend?

Señor Jay, you must tell friend about mother. Juan know it is very hard but you must be strong and do it anyway also do very careful no make friend mad. You no have sex with friend mother so that is good you must tell him that you must say “Mi amigo tu madre try to have sex with me when you go pee but I say no because you are good friend. I no come over I no want tu madre try have sex with me again.” Amigo think you make joke first but you tell amigo “no señor I am serious I no make joke”. Friend get mad first but then no mad because you say you no have sex with mother. You no have sex with friend mother it is not worth lose friend Señor Evan. Juan no really like Dirty Pablo but Juan still make mistake because Dirty Pablo mother make Juan dick burn. You have sex with friend mother you make worse mistake than Juan.

Best of luck to you amigo.


Valentine’s Day about love Juan love taco so last question Juan answer about taco.

Dear Juan,

I know you work at your uncle’s restaurant. Tell me how to make an Uncle Paco taco!

– Kevosk


Juan tell Uncle Paco person on AJnet website ask how to make special Uncle Paco taco. Uncle Paco say no tell recipe it is secret. Juan tell Uncle Paco why he say yes tell Mí Abuelita chili recipe but no tell taco recipe too. Uncle Paco tell Juan is Uncle Paco Taco and T-shirt Shop not Uncle Paco Chili Shop special taco is platillo estrella no share important recipe someone steal recipe and make mucho dinero. Juan very sad because Uncle Paco Taco have many good thing like lime crema and fresh ingredient. Uncle Paco say tell person on AJnet website make Uncle Paco Street Taco instead that is fine. Juan sell many Uncle Paco Street Taco in lunch truck Juan tell you now how make Uncle Paco Street Taco is very easy.

First you cook beef or chicken. You must season but no buy taco season pack at grocery store instead you must use salt pepper garlic powder paprika cumin chili powder and crush red pepper. You cook meat then you use fresh ingredient make quick salsa too. You must cut tomato and onion then cut fresh cilantro and basil mix with tomato and onion. Put meat on taco then salsa and cheese too then put on mucho hot sauce Juan like Cholula but Uncle Paco use Valentina salsa picante it is cheap but good too. You do this you make very good taco just like Juan make at Uncle Paco lunch truck.

Best of luck to you amigo.


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By Señor Juan

AJ’s oldest friend and AJnet’s resident advice columnist, Señor Juan has been an AJnet Staff member since 2008, when AJ first hired him to pose for a picture and slash a neighbor’s tires. Since then Juan has been a valued member of the team, earning his American citizenship, piloting the AJnet Huey, and keeping Frosty from getting too carried away. His soothing stories, alleviating anecdotes, and ability to smile in even the most perilous of situations help others find the reassurance they need during troubling and trying times.