Hola amigos, it is your pal Señor Juan!

Yesterday Juan go to bodega with Mi Hermano Rico AJ and Frosty. Juan drink many Corona and talk about good old days with amigos. Mi Hermano Rico say “ey Juanito why you get so fat?” Frosty say it is because Juan eat too many taco. Juan no lie tacos muy bueno Juan work at Uncle Paco shop and eat mucho taco. Juan say yes I eat too many taco and eat Frosty’s mother taco too. Everyone laugh and AJ show everyone old picture Juan use on AJnet website:


Juan take picture in 2008 on date with gringa at Applebee’s. AJ say Juan no fat when we meet in 2008 but Juan fat now so Juan no use new picture on AJnet website. Mi Hermano Rico puff cheeks like balloon and waddle around bodega say “look I am Juan now hahaha”. Frosty say “hahaha yes I am Juan too” and do same thing but knock over AJ beer. AJ tell Frosty he no Juan he stupid drunk idiot and must buy AJ new beer. Frosty no buy beer though because he cry about waste alcohol but that is life.

Juan go home and look in mirror. Juan no like what he see so now we must change that. Juan have gym membership at gringo gym Planet Fitness but no always go. Today that change. Juan tell fat self in mirror “ey fatty you lose weight you want have heart attack fat boy? You must no be fat anymore piggy oink oink”.

Juan go to gym and see many strong people lift very heavy weight. Juan scared because he fat and no lift very heavy weight. But that is okay because Juan remember everyone start somewhere strong man start long time ago so he strong like el burro. Juan start now and be strong like el burro one day too.

Juan also want reader no be fat too. You have heart attack and die you no read AJnet website and send Juan question so you must not be fat. You lift weight and no be fat and send Juan many question and Juan give advice. So Juan tell you how to go to gym and use weight you lose weight and make big muscle and be strong it is very easy and Juan tell you how to do it now.



You lift big weight you get big muscle everyone know this it is science. Like gringo Jesse Pinkman from TV show Breaking Bad say “Yes science bitch!”. You no do drugs like Jesse Pinkman though you no character on crazy gringo TV show about drugs.

You use barbell load it with heavy weight but not too heavy you no lift. You lift heavy weight in many way you do bench press deadlift squat and shoulder press with very heavy weight. You do heavy weight many times then you add more weight and lift that too you keep do this you get big and strong like Mountain from TV show Game of Thrones then go have sex with hot blonde dragon queen Juan show her dragon if you know what I mean.

Juan go to gym and see gringo leave weights on bar and no rerack. First Juan get mad at stupid dirty gringo who make mess but then Juan get idea. Instead get mad at messy gringo Juan lift weight instead no matter how heavy it is. Stupid gringo man leave 200 pounds on bar Juan do 200 pounds bench press. Stupid gringo man leave 400 pounds on bar Juan do 400 pounds squat. Juan get very strong and build muscle like this it is very easy you do it too. No get mad get strong instead.



“ey Juan who you call dumb?”

Juan no call you dumb Juan say you must also use dumbbell. You use barbell lift many heavy weight but you must also lift light weight too. Juan use dumbbell do many curl and get big bicep. Many señorita see Juan and say “ooh Juanito you are so big and strong like the Rock please have sex with me”. Juan must use big bicep to fight away many señorita you use dumbbell and do many curl with light weight you also use big bicep fight off many señorita.

You also use dumbbell and do fly exercise and get big chest like gringo hero Arnold Schwarzenegger (Juan, that definitely was NOT how to spell “Schwarzenegger”. We’ll fix that for you. ~Editor). You do many fly you get big chest and have sex with many señorita.



You lift barbell and dumbbell but this is 2023 so you must use machines too. The future now amigo. You no caveman dinosaur you no be afraid use machine it is very easy Juan do it all the time and Juan tell you how to do it now.

Juan like cable machine. You do many exercise with cable machine you do chest and you do back and do arm too. Juan like do curl on cable machine then do curl with dumbbell after Juan get big pump and build a lot of muscle. You do this too you build big arm and lift up many cute señorita.

Juan also use Smith machine. Juan do very heavy squat on Smith machine he no do without. Smith machine make you squat more weight you squat 300 pounds without Smith machine but you go on Smith machine you squat 400 pounds. When annoying gringo coworker ask “ey señor you go to gym how much you squat big guy” you say “yes señor I go to gym I squat 400 pounds”.

Juan see other machine at gym too but Juan no use them. Maybe you use them and get strong that is your choice amigo.


Treadmills and Exercise Bikes

You lift many weight you turn fat into muscle yes but you no turn all fat into muscle by lift weight. Juan run on treadmill and lose many fat and get strong leg. Juan also see many hot girl run on treadmill so that is good too they run but they no hide from Juan hahaha just kidding.

Run on treadmill good but you also ride exercise bike too it is easy Juan put on headphone and listen to heavy metal band Metallica and Iron Maiden and go very fast and burn mucho fat.


You go to gym and get in shape you become big and strong. You join Juan señor let’s get big and strong together amigo.

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By Señor Juan

AJ’s oldest friend and AJnet’s resident advice columnist, Señor Juan has been an AJnet Staff member since 2008, when AJ first hired him to pose for a picture and slash a neighbor’s tires. Since then Juan has been a valued member of the team, earning his American citizenship, piloting the AJnet Huey, and keeping Frosty from getting too carried away. His soothing stories, alleviating anecdotes, and ability to smile in even the most perilous of situations help others find the reassurance they need during troubling and trying times.