Juan and AJ have workout articles. I want one too!
Howdy Muggheads!
A lot of folks ask me how I stay in such good shape even though I’m constantly drinking beer. AJ says it’s because I’m always running my mouth and jumping to conclusions, but that’s not it at all!
On the contrary, ol’ Frosty DOES get exercise! In fact, I actually get A LOT of it!
Do you think all I do is drink? Do you think it’s easy being this breezy? I assure you, dear readers, that Frosty Mugg has in fact paid the cost to be the boss! Let me show you just some of the ways I keep fit.
Case Lifts
Know how much a case of beer bottles weighs? I do!
A case of 24 beer bottles weighs about 40 lbs. I think? (Drink?)
That beer ain’t gonna move itself, Muggheads! And it’s not gonna drink itself or keep itself cold either, so somebody’s gotta move it to the fridge! When it comes time to crack a cold one, your pal Frosty ain’t no slouch.
To move this case, we’ve gotta lift it. AJ and Juan aren’t the only ones lifting weight around here!
Start by crouching down, and place you hands in the handles of the case, like this handsome young man has demonstrated in this picture:
Lift the case up off of the floor, making sure to lift with your legs:
Now, as we say in the rap world, take it to the fridge! Congratulations, you’ve just exercised! Go ahead and grab a beer, you earned it!
Sometimes you have to lift two cases at the same time. In this case you want to grab the bottom case from the bottom. If you don’t then the handles could break, leading to spilled beer. That’s alcohol abuse, and that’s NO GOOD!
Two-Handed Case Carry
This exercise is one of my favorites because it involves two cases of beer!
For this one you’ll need two cases of cans. Start with one case on each side, then crouch down and pick them up by the handles. Walk them from your car directly to your fridge. AJ wouldn’t let me buy two more cases of beer with the company credit card (jerk!!) so here’s a picture of me doing it with two six-packs of bottles instead:
AJ says this exercise is actually called a “farmer’s walk” and you don’t even have to do it with beer! He showed me by picking up two giant heavy metal weights and walking around with them. I don’t know why anybody would want to do that but that’s cool I guess!
Bottle Curls
So for this one you’re gonna need two bottles of beer. That’s one for each hand. You hold the bottles just like I’m doing in this picture:
Then you lift one to your face just like I’m doing in this picture:
Now do the same thing with the other hand:
You can even do this with cans too (I can!), but bottles are better because the beer won’t taste like dirty stinky metal.
A rookie mistake is trying to lift both bottles at once. Never ever do this (EVER!!)! You’ll spill your beer. That’s alcohol abuse.
And that’s NO GOOD!
Fridge Pulls
Sometimes you run out of beer, so you have to go find some before the Sober Police show up to make sure you’ve been following your court order to be legally intoxicated at all times (Read the tale of “Frosty’s Sober Saga here ~Editor) and make you leave the house to buy more.
My favorite place to check for more beer is AJ’s refrigerator. This one’s really simple, to do this you just grab the handle on the fridge door and pull it open:
Now grab that beer, you’ve earned it!
Overhead Bottle Hold
One time I was at a party and Edwin (who SUCKS!) bet me he could drink a beer faster than me. That’s when I came up with the “overhead bottle hold”:
I showed this to Barty the Bartender at Yellowz and he said I didn’t come up with that and all I was doing was chugging a beer. But then I showed it to AJ and he said it’s called an “icy metric exercise” (The word is “isometric”, Frosty…) so put that in your mug and drink it Barty or Barry or Mike or whatever you keep telling me your name is!
Bottle Tuck
Remember how I said some people have court orders that require them to be legally intoxicated at all times? Well sometimes Johnny Law doesn’t tell Jimmy Law about that and the fuzz gets on your case and tries to kill your buzz!
Y’see, here in Philadelphia we have a no-fun law that says we can’t drink in public. They call it an “open container law” or some other load of BULLSHIT, but it’s really a “no fun allowed” law!
When your pal Frosty wants to hit the street and stay discreet he uses the ol’ bottle tuck:
The bottle tuck makes sure Johnny and Jimmy Law don’t give you a hard time and force you to do hard time. Y’see, they can’t see the bottle, and if they can’t see the bottle they can’t bust you and you won’t accidently bust the bottle by dropping it when you’re running from the long arm of the law and bust your butt on the sidewalk because you tripped!
Rest
Rest is super important!!
Your body can only handle so much beer (probably even less than mine!!) so you’ve gotta give yourself time to relax from relaxing. Find yourself a nice comfortable spot and take a load off so you can continue getting a load on later!
My favorite spot is the bathroom because you can choose between the cool tiles of the floor, or the caressing embrace of the bathtub. And if you’ve gotta puke the toilet’s right there too. Comfort and convenience combined!
And THAT, dear readers, is how your pal Frosty stays so fit!
Angry_Jerk