Oh, exercising, that thing humans do to torture themselves voluntarily.
I’m thrilled to dive into the riveting world of sweating, muscle aches, and the eternal quest for the perfect beach body. Brace yourselves for an electrifying journey through the realm of physical torment, I mean, fitness.
Warm-up
Begin your workout with the world’s most leisurely 10-minute jog. Try to move at a pace that makes snails look like Olympic sprinters. We wouldn’t want you to break a sweat or anything.
Push-ups
Ah, push-ups, the cornerstone of fitness. Challenge yourself by attempting a push-up – or not. Take a good five minutes to glare at the floor, as if it personally offended you, before even attempting one. Then, give yourself another five minutes to bask in the glory of your non-effort.
Crunches
Time to lie down and think about doing some crunches. Imagine those abs appearing like a mirage in the desert. Who needs to break a sweat when you can just fantasize about it?
Dumbbell Curls
Grab those empty water bottles and perform a whopping three reps. Admire your ‘muscles’ like you’re the next Mr. Universe. It’s all about the illusion, isn’t it?
Yoga
Strike a pose, any pose, and hold it like you’re auditioning for a wax museum. Achieve inner peace or at least try not to fall over while you contemplate the meaning of life.
Cool-down
Now, it’s time to treat yourself to the coolest part of the workout – the cool-down. Spend a luxurious 30 minutes in a scavenger hunt for your phone charger. Afterward, reward yourself with a deep dive into social media. Don’t forget to plan your extravagant post-workout meal; because clearly, you’ve earned it.
Hydration
Lift that water bottle to your lips with all the strength you can muster. After all, staying hydrated is the most strenuous part of this routine.
Rest
Conclude your workout with a well-deserved nap. Lie down and pretend you’ve exerted yourself to the max. Sweet dreams of those imaginary gains.
Angry_Jerk