Philadelphia has a heroin epidemic, and I know how to fix it.
Way back in April of last year, I mentioned that I’m running for president. As president, I intend to fix many of this country’s problems, both foreign and domestic.
There’s one huge domestic problem that’s been gnawing away at this country for a long time now, and I’m ashamed to say that it’s happening right in my back yard.
I’m talking about Philly’s heroin problem.
Philadelphia has become the heroin capital of the world, and it’s thanks in particular to a little area known as “K&A”. “K&A” is short for Kensington and Allegheny, a major intersection in North Philly that has become a hotbed of activity for heroin addicts. Seriously, it’s so bad that there are now multiple documentaries on the location and its population, who can legally qualify as zombies.
Recently elected Philadelphia mayor Cherelle Parker says she’s going to clean this up, but how? Philly has tried methadone clinics, safe injection sites, and all kinds of rehab programs, none of which seem to have stemmed the flow of addiction. Indeed, it’s not an easy problem to fix.
Or is it?
As a matter of fact, I have a very simple and effective solution for dealing with Philadelphia’s growing heroin problem:
Stop giving them Narcan.
Seriously, it’s that simple, and I’m surprised nobody has proposed this yet. By giving heroin addicts a hit of Narcan whenever they overdose and saving their lives, you’re effectively enabling their addiction.
Some of you are probably reading this and saying “OMG BUT THEN THEY’D DIE!” I know, that’s the fucking point. Let the damn junkies OD and die, stop bringing them back so they can continue doing heroin and killing themselves. They’re already practically dead anyway. K&A looks like a scene from a zombie movie:
At this point even a zombie has more life left in it than the heroin addicts at K&A.
Why do we insist on saving these “people”? They don’t want to be saved, so why are we pouring millions of dollars into not only trying to get them off heroin and off the streets, but also bringing them back every time they shoot too much? The real problem isn’t that these people are all addicted to heroin so much as it is that the tax payers have to foot the bill every time one of these useless lumps shoots too much heroin and needs a hit of Narcan to come back and do some more heroin. Let these junkies start dropping dead and the “problem” sorts itself out real quick.
I have zero sympathy for drug addicts. This isn’t the 60’s and 70’s anymore, there’s more than enough information available about why doing hard drugs is a bad idea. I grew up in the 90’s, we had DARE. I can only imagine how much more info is available now for this current generation. At this point if you’re dumb enough to shoot up heroin you deserve to die, and you don’t deserve a free shot of Narcan to bring your retarded ass back. You built your tard house, now you have to live in it until you OD and die like the dumb ass you are. Whoever tainted the local heroin supply with the very potent fentanyl deserves a fucking medal. I wish more people would start tainting the heroin supply. Call me heartless all you want, I really don’t care. It’s easy to have sympathy for junkies when you don’t actually have to live around them.
Anyone who thinks I’m being too harsh or draconian, feel free to come down to Philly and spend a week with me. We’ll start off easy by walking around my neighborhood, which is now starting to become infested with the heroin zombies. We’ll go talk to them (if we can manage to find one who’s semi-coherent), kick back a few drinks with them, and hear some of their stories. Then, if you survive that, we’ll go to K&A and you can see for yourself the “people” you want to save. That little documentary you watched doesn’t compare to experiencing the real thing. Most of the people championing saving these junkies don’t actually live around them, they’re completely oblivious to the harsh reality that some people are just beyond saving, and that others simply don’t want to be saved.
It’s time to give up on these “people”. Stop enabling their addiction by giving them Narcan. And while we’re at it, put a bullet in your local heroin dealer’s head, he’s part of the problem too.