Congratulations, you’re on a diet. Nobody cares.

When did everyone suddenly become an expert on fitness and nutrition?

Everywhere I turn, I’m being bombarded by self-righteous “self-improvement” dipshits who can’t shut the fuck up about how much they work out and how healthy they eat. Which would be ignorable, except these assholes also love to criticize the choices of others. I already did an article about how “healthy at every size” is bullshit and how society needs to stop encouraging people to be fat, but now we’re facing the same bullshit from the opposite side.

I can’t even eat a slice of pizza without some cocky douchebag feeling the need to chastise my choice of food and remind me that “carbs are bad”. Same goes for eating sandwiches. Suddenly everyone got this idea that bread is bad for you, and if I dare to eat a sandwich in front of the wrong person I have to defend myself from their stupid criticism. Bread isn’t “bad for you”, you stupid fucking cunt. Carbs aren’t bad for you either. Eating too much is bad for you. You know what else is bad for you? Bothering me while I’m eating. Get out of my face.

And if I drink a soda in front of them? Forget it, these tards lose their minds. “OMG THATS SO BAD FOR YOU!” “OMG LIQUID SUGAR” “OMG DIABETES” “OMG HIGH FRUCTOSE CORN SYRUP” OMG STFU. I know soda is bad for me. I don’t care. I’m not slamming down 12 sodas a day or something, one soda every week or two isn’t going to hurt me. Stop over-exaggerating shit. I’m also well aware that the aspartame found in diet soda has been shown to cause cancer in mice. Did you morons even bother to actually read the study? No, you didn’t, because you’re an impressionable overreactive moron. What these idiots always fail to realize is that in order to ingest the amount of aspartame that was given to the mice in that study, you’d have to consume 100 diet sodas in a day. It’s physically impossible to drink even close to that much, the phosphoric acid would burn a hole in your stomach before you got even halfway there.

I’m well aware that water is better for me than soda. I drink more than enough water every day, sometimes I just want something sweet. What’s the point of doing all that exercise if I can’t let go and enjoy myself once in a while? At what point does your diet become an eating disorder?

I work out five days a week and I count calories at least 85% of the time. But I keep that to myself, because I know if I don’t I’ll be inviting every moron with an opinion to scrutinize and attempt to “correct” me with whatever bro science they heard on social media. Half the people who pontificate about this stuff aren’t even in good shape themselves. Seriously, there’s nothing better than having to justify my dietary choices to some lard ass who probably can’t even do a single push-up, or some skinny-fat weenie who thinks he’s the god of fitness knowledge because he watches Jeff Cavalier or the Hodge twins or some other stupid fitness salesman turd on YouTube or TikTok. I’m in better shape than most of the people trying to tell me what I should and shouldn’t eat, but it never stops them from trying to offer unsolicited advice.

Ever since “fitness influencer” became a thing every retard can’t stop spewing their malformed opinion on fitness and nutrition. Everyone has some stupid fad diet they’re pushing or some convoluted exercise regimen or a miracle supplement that is guaranteed to make you lose weight and build muscle and make your dick grow 10 inches. Everyone has all of the answers, and everything you thought you knew about health and fitness is dead-assed wrong. And of course, they all have something to sell you. Be it their own line of supplements, someone else’s line of supplements, or a diet and workout plan. Fitness influencers annoy me, as does anyone who identifies themselves as an “influencer”. The only thing these people have influenced is a generation of dumbfucks filled with false knowledge and equally false confidence.

I’m going to give you the simplest and most effective dietary advice you’ll find on the internet, and I’m going to give it to you free of charge because that’s what we do at AJnet.

Want to lose weight? Eat less. Seriously, it’s that easy. No matter what kind of genetics you have, eating less will make you lose weight. You’ll have to experiment a little bit to find your caloric sweet spot, but once you find it you’ll start losing weight. You can eat McDonald’s every day and still lose weight as long as you watch your calories (though I wouldn’t recommend this since you’re missing out on important nutrients). Certain foods don’t make you fat, eating more calories than you burn does. Eat less, lose weight. It’s really that simple. You don’t even really need to exercise either, just cut back on eating. You can also have a cheat meal or day every couple of weeks as long as you don’t go overboard. So many people fail their diets because they think they have to be “on” 24/7, and if they have even so much as one cheat meal they’ll lose all control and get fat again. Don’t be a retard, have just a little self-control, and you’ll be fine.

I also hate the people who constantly have to draw attention to the fact that they work out or are on a diet. “Waaah, I’m sooooo hungry but I can’t eat anything because I’m on a diet!” “Waaah, I’m so sore from my two hour gym session yesterday!” “Waaah, I’m tired but I still have to go to the gym!” “Waaah, my friends all want to eat pizza but I can’t because carbs are bad!” Literally nobody cares you fucking attention whore. Everyone trying to get in shape always thinks they have to starve themselves or spend hours a day in the gym, and they always have to let everyone else around them know that they do it. Ironically enough, it’s always those people that I never see making any actual progress.

If you want to starve yourself then whatever, but don’t start on others for how they choose to live and eat. I know that eating an entire 16″ pizza and washing it down with half a case of beer isn’t healthy. Guess what? I don’t give a fuck. I eat healthy and work out five days out of the week so I can enjoy myself when I want to. If you want to eat chicken and rice every single day go for it, but I’m going to enjoy a reasonable amount of junk food. I’m not training to compete in a bodybuilding contest, and neither are 95% of the assholes trying to critique my diet. Being on a diet doesn’t make you better than anyone else, it’s assholes like you who put people off from trying to get in shape by overwhelming them with bullshit information and constant analysis.

The health and fitness industry is one of the biggest scams in the world right now (next to college, of course). Someone’s always trying to sell you something, and it’s almost always a load of excessive bullshit that most people don’t really need. Everyone is different, but the principle of “Calories In Calories Out” will always remain the same. Find what works for you, put a little bit of work in, and you’ll see results. Nobody’s body can defy this. If you’re not losing weight then eat less. Keep eating less until you start losing one to two pounds every week (you can do more if you’re obese though).

And while you’re doing that, please shut the fuck up.

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By Angry_Jerk

The CEO/Editor-in-chief of AJnet, and the current king of internet ranting. Hailing from the fine village of Northeast Philadelphia, AJ has been creating content on the internet for over 15 years. None of it has really been funny or entertaining, but he keeps trying anyway. When he’s not creating new articles for the site, he can be found hitting the weights, watching anime, or playing retro video games.