Hola amigos, it is your pal Señor Juan!

Last time Juan say Mi Hermana Josefina find lump on breast and go to doctor. Juan give update.

Mi Hermana Josefina go to doctor and doctor send her for mammogram. Mi Hermana Josefina get mammogram and doctor say it no cancer. Mi Hermana Josefina get lump removed anyway and now she buena. Juan tell Mi Hermana Josefina he share story on AJnet website and ask everyone to pray for her and Mi Hermana Josefina say thank you for prayer.

Juan read email from man who have problem with cripple person and no know what to do:

Dear Juan,

There’s a guy at the bar who always picks fights with everyone. I’d beat him up but I can’t because the guy is in a wheelchair!

Last night though things escalated. Long story short the cripple man sexually harassed my girlfriend. Now she’s upset and doesn’t want to go back to that bar ever again. It’s our favorite bar, it’s where we met for the first time! And now this piece of shit in a wheelchair ruined it for her!

I talked to the bartender but they won’t throw the guy out because he spends a lot of money there and I think he’s related to the owner somehow. He stuck his hand up my girlfriend’s skirt, Juan! Am I supposed to just let that go because he’s in a wheelchair? How much shit do we let this guy get away with? When is it okay to beat up a cripple person?

What should I do?

– Ty G.


Señor Ty, let Juan tell you about friend Juan meet when he come to America.

Many year ago Juan come to America and live in Virginia. Juan meet man Fernando. Juan no speak good English but Fernando from Honduras so he speak Spanish too. Fernando also no have legs he lose them in accident so Fernando have wheelchair like man at bar you say.

Juan tell Fernando sorry he no have legs. Fernando tell Juan something Juan never forget.

Fernando say “Ey pendejo why you sorry you no cut off my legs I no want you feel sorry for me I no have legs but I no weak little punk too. You no treat me like weak little punk Juan you treat me like person.” Juan say sorry then Fernando ask Juan to get him beer and Juan tell him go fuck yourself and ask if legs no work. Fernando laugh at funny joke and say “Yes Juanito now you understand”.

Juan understand why Fernando angry. Everyone see man in wheelchair and say “Aw look at poor man in wheelchair I feel bad so I must treat him like baby”. Juan no like be treated like baby so why Fernando like it? Fernando no like treat like baby Juan no treat him like baby.

Señor Ty you no treat man at bar like baby because he in wheelchair. Man stick hand up girlfriend skirt but no in wheelchair then you hit him? Juan think yes. So why you no hit man in wheelchair for sticking hand up girlfriend skirt? You no treat man different because he cripple. Man in wheelchair stick hand up girlfriend skirt you must stick hand up man face. You stick hand up man face in shape of fist and you do it really hard so man tooth fall on floor. Then you say “How you talk shit now you have no tooth you no fuck with me ese I will fuck you up cabrón you no touch girlfriend again you do I break hand too and you no play with dirty dick again”.

Juan know it hard to hit cripple man but Señor Ty you must treat him like everyone else. No let cripple man touch girlfriend.

Best of luck to you amigo.


Next question from girl who afraid of clown.

Dear Juan,

I’m terrified of clowns. How do I get over my fear?

– Kaitlin J.


Juan read question and think it joke so Juan no answer at first but then Juan tell AJ about girl afraid of clown and AJ say yes many people afraid of clown what in the hell why gringo afraid of clown.

Juan grow up in Ciudad Juárez and go to many birthday party with clown. Juan remember he go to Big Hernando birthday party with best friend Javier. Big Hernando say “ey mamá where is piñata?”. Big Hernando madre say “Oops sorry mijo I forget piñata”. Juan and Javier really sad no piñata but Big Hernando say “That is fine mamá we make piñata.” Big Hernando pick up baseball bat and say to Juan and Javier “Come on mí amigos we go hit piñata.” Big Hernando walk up to clown and hit him with baseball bat. Clown yell and curse a lot and tell Big Hernando no hit him with baseball bat but Big Hernando say “ey piñata where is my candy?” Big Hernando hit clown again and say “Honk honk señor piñata give me candy por favor.” Clown say he no have candy no hit him. Big Hernando give Juan baseball bat and say now you try Juan. Juan want candy so Juan hit clown too. Other children at party see Juan hit clown and they come hit clown too. Big Hernando uncle from cartel come and say “Okay niños that is enough” and put clown in trunk of car and drive away. Juan ask Big Hernando where uncle take clown but Big Hernando say he take clown piñata to secret place get candy out. Juan old now and know what really happen but young Juan no know. Big Hernando uncle come back two hour later with trunk full of candy so that is good.

Señora Kaitlin why you afraid of clown? Juan think this fear stupid but Juan help you anyway. It is very easy to no be afraid of clown and Juan tell you how to do it now.

Juan know he always say Big Hernando stupid bully but Big Hernando also very strong and no afraid of clown. Señora Kaitlin you must be like Big Hernando. You see clown you must hit him with baseball bat. You hit clown with baseball bat you say “ey stupid clown I no afraid you no scare me puto”. Keep hit clown until he fall down then hit clown again really hard. You beat up clown you strong and brave now Señora Kaitlin you no scared of clown anymore.

Best of luck to you amiga.


Last question Juan answer today from woman who say boyfriend play too many video game.

Dear Juan,

I’ve been with my boyfriend for almost a year now. He’s really nice and sweet, but he doesn’t spend enough time with me. I want to go do things but he just wants to play Overwatch all day. Sometimes I can get him away from his computer but it’s like pulling teeth and I can tell he doesn’t really want to be there with me. What should I do? I really like him and I don’t want to break up with him, but I feel like he loves that game more than me. He even asked me to dress up like one of the characters from the game. Is this weird?


– Jenalee S.


Juan no play Overwatch game but AJ play. Juan ask AJ if game really good or gringo boyfriend stupid idiot who no treat girl right. AJ say Overwatch okay sometimes but if gringo boyfriend play it instead of have sex then yes he stupid. Juan also ask AJ if it weird to ask girlfriend dress up like character from game AJ say no look at señorita in game and show Juan picture of Overwatch señoritas. ¡Dios mío! Juan say it no weird dress up like character from game especially Mercy or Diva you dress up like Mercy or Diva you send Juan picture por favor.

Señora Jenalee, you say boyfriend no spend time with you only play video game. How you meet boyfriend if he no leave computer? You no play video game too so you meet boyfriend outside. Juan think that means boyfriend no go outside with you now because he mucho bored. What you do with boyfriend when you go out? You do fun stuff boyfriend like too? Or maybe you only do thing you like?

You must imagine you are boyfriend, Señora Jenalee. Imagine you are boy and girlfriend say “Chico I want to go to flower show”. Boy no go to flower show. If boy go to flower show that mean he is gay and he go to flower show and cheat on you for other boy who also go to flower show. If girlfriend ask you go to flower show you say “No that is fine you go I stay home and play video game Overwatch with hot Mercy and Diva.”

Maybe you no say go to flower show, you say go on date and see funny movie with gringo actor Ryan Reynolds and eat dinner at gringo restaurant Applebee’s. Boyfriend say “No that is fine you go I stay home and play video game Overwatch with hot Mercy and Diva.” Juan like funny gringo actor Ryan Reynolds and gringo restaurant Applebee’s and Juan know many person who also like gringo actor Ryan Reynolds and gringo restaurant Applebee’s. If boyfriend stay home then that means he is stupid idiot and you must dump him.

You pick date at place you both like and tell boyfriend “Chico we go out today and do fun thing together. Then later tonight I wear sexy Mercy costume and you play Overwatch with me in bedroom.” If boyfriend say no then Señora Jenalee it is hard but you must dump him because he no love you. Juan know people change over time so it is normal Juan change over time boyfriend change over time too. Juan tell Mi Hermana Josefina about question and she say tell gringa Jenalee yes dump him and go to club with girlfriends and shake it off like singer Taylor Swift. If boyfriend no stop playing video game you dump boyfriend and go have fun without him.

Best of luck to you, amiga.


Do you have a problem and need Señor Juan’s advice? Leave a comment below (Disqus required, it’s free) or send Juan an email at [email protected]!

By Señor Juan

AJ’s oldest friend and AJnet’s resident advice columnist, Señor Juan has been an AJnet Staff member since 2008, when AJ first hired him to pose for a picture and slash a neighbor’s tires. Since then Juan has been a valued member of the team, earning his American citizenship, piloting the AJnet Huey, and keeping Frosty from getting too carried away. His soothing stories, alleviating anecdotes, and ability to smile in even the most perilous of situations help others find the reassurance they need during troubling and trying times.