Hola amigos, it is your pal Señor Juan!

Month start out very good for Juan.

First AJ tell Juan answer three question every article. Juan make two article every month so Juan answer six question every month. Juan like give advice you send Juan email Juan give you advice.

Then Uncle Paco tell Juan business do really good and Uncle Paco buy lunch truck too. Uncle Paco ask Juan what he name truck and Juan say it must be name Burrito Patrol. Uncle Paco say yes and let Juan drive too. Juan drive lunch truck to many business and school and make mucho dinero. Juan take Frosty one time but Frosty no work instead Frosty keep play joke on Juan. Frosty leave truck when Juan no look and come to window and say “hello señor why I no get service”. Juan laugh at stupid drunk pendejo first time but Frosty do joke too much and no do work. Juan no take Frosty again.

Last week Juan get bad news.

Mi Hermana Josefina go to doctor who say she have lump in chest. Doctor no sure if cancer but doctor tell Mi Hermana Josefina she must get mammogram. Juan no know Mi Madre because she leave when Juan very young but Mi Hermana Josefina know Mi Madre and tell Juan Mi Madre also have lump in chest and doctor tell her it cancer. Mi Hermana Josefina say Mi Madre no die but she no sure if Mi Madre beat cancer or doctor stupid idiot who say wrong thing. Please pray for Mi Hermana Josefina, she raise Juan when Mi Madre leave and Juan no want her have cancer.

Juan take mind off bad news answer question from man who son want to join boy scouts:

Dear Juan,

My son just turned six and wants to join the boy scouts. He saw some videos on YouTube about it and he’s really excited but I heard a lot of the troop leaders are child molesters. He really wants to join though. Should I sign him up?

– Martin G.

Señor Martin you bring back many memory for Juan.

When Juan very young Mi Hermana Josefina want Juan to leave house so she no watch him and have fun with friends. Mi Hermano Rico say “ey Josefina have Juan join scouts!” Juan know in America boy and girl have own scout and no do scout together but in Mexico boy and girl both do scout together.

Juan join scout Lobatos many year and have mucho fun learn thing like fishing and tie rope many way. Juan also have mucho fun with girl in scout group Gracelas name Pequeña Paulina. Juan and Pequeña Paulina go on many hike and see many plant and animal. Juan also have first kiss with Pequeña Paulina at Don Rayo.

Juan have good time in Mexico scout but Juan no know about gringo scout so Juan look online holy shit why gringo scout leader all have sex with little boy. Gringo scout hire leader from Catholic Church? Señor Martin tu es muy loco you no let son join pederasta gringo scout why you even ask question. Juan know many boy scout leader no have sex with little boy but señor you take chance? Maybe gringo scout leader take son camping but maybe he also take son in white van with no window and have sex with him too you no take risk Señor Martin.

No let son join gringo scout. Instead son join baseball team and hit ball really far in high school he get many señorita and play for New York Yankees team and no have sex with creepy old gringo scout leader.

Best of luck to you amigo

Next question from old man with old wife with birthday.

Dear Juan,

My wife is turning 60 next month and wants to do something special for her birthday, but she won’t tell me what. Why do women expect us to be mind readers? Where should I take her?

– Joe G.

Juan think you take wife to lawyer and get divorce hahaha just kidding Señor Joe.

You ask Juan for help but you no tell Juan about wife. Why you expect Juan to be mind reader Señor Joe? But that is fine Juan help anyway.

First you figure out if wife make hint when she talk. Stupid gringo man always make joke “hahaha I no listen when woman talk”. That is why he stupid gringo man and not smart gringo man. You must listen when wife talk Señor Joe. You listen when wife talk and you hear many hint about what she want to do for birthday.

If wife no give hint that is fine you take her many place you already know she like. Juan date girl and know she like gringo restaurant Applebee’s and gringo actor Ryan Gosling so Juan surprise her and take her to dinner and movie The Notebook girl very happy and make Juan very happy later too but Juan no tell that story. You take wife to restaurant she like and see movie with actor she like Señor Joe and make wife very happy then at night she make you happy too.

Best of luck to you amigo.

Juan get many question but AJ say only answer three so last question Juan answer from woman who upset at coworker who park in spot.

Dear Juan,

At my job we have a parking lot for employees. I’ve been parking in the same spot for 8 years. Last week I came in to work and found that one of the other office ladies parked in my spot. We don’t have assigned parking spots but I think office etiquette is very clear in this matter. I talked to her but she didn’t care and told me my name wasn’t on the spot so anyone can park there. Now she parks there every day. I’ve been parking in that spot for 8 years Juan, it’s my spot!

How do I get my parking spot back from this bitch?

– Jackie H.

Juan read email and no see problem. Señora Jackie you say parking spot is yours but you say you no have assigned parking spot so how coworker steal parking spot you no own?

You read and say “ey Juan you no read email? I park in same spot every day for eight year that make it mine”. Juan understand you upset but Juan also understand first come first serve coworker get spot first. You no park car in other spot?

Juan know you ask for help and Juan still help but you must also hear truth Señora Jackie. You no own parking lot you no tell coworker where she park.

Coworker get spot because she get there first Señora Jackie you must get there first. What time coworker come to work? She come in early you come in earlier you come to work very early and get mucha overtime make mucho dinero. Also boss see you early every day and boss say “ey Señora Jackie you always here early you very hard worker” and give you promotion. You become coworker boss and fire her. You wake up early it is very easy Juan do it every day. You do this and you make mucho dinero and get promotion and fire coworker and she no take parking spot again or you call polícia and say “she is trespassing arrest her por favor”.

That a lot of work. Juan know this but Señora Jackie it is either wake up early or park in other spot you no want to wake up early then you must park in different spot. Yes you park there long time but that no mean you own spot. You no behave like child instead you wake up early and get parking spot and make mucho dinero like adult.

Best of luck to you amiga.

Do you have a problem and need Señor Juan’s advice? Drop him an email at [email protected] or leave your question in the comments (Disqus account required, it’s free and easy to sign up).

By Señor Juan

AJ’s oldest friend and AJnet’s resident advice columnist, Señor Juan has been an AJnet Staff member since 2008, when AJ first hired him to pose for a picture and slash a neighbor’s tires. Since then Juan has been a valued member of the team, earning his American citizenship, piloting the AJnet Huey, and keeping Frosty from getting too carried away. His soothing stories, alleviating anecdotes, and ability to smile in even the most perilous of situations help others find the reassurance they need during troubling and trying times.