DEAR JUAN: My mom keeps borrowing my car!

Hola amigos! It is your pal Señor Juan!

When month begin Juan leave email open and Frosty answer email instead so Juan apologize to people Frosty answer and Juan give answer too. Juan tell AJ “ey why you let Frosty do that” but AJ say Frosty email funny and leave on AJnet website. Juan get mad and tell AJ Frosty stupid drunk gringo and Juan sorry he get Frosty job at AJnet. AJ see Juan very upset so AJ tell Juan now Juan do two Dear Juan article every month instead of one. Juan still no happy AJ leave Frosty article up but Juan happy AJ say do two Dear Juan article now so that is good.

Juan get email from teenage gringo who madre take car he pay for.

Dear Juan,

My mom keeps borrowing my car every weekend! I tried to tell her no but she gets mad at me and tells me it’s her house (I’m only 16!) so it’s her rules. I bought it with my own money that I worked for but she doesn’t care! And to make matters worse I’m getting bills in the mail for tolls she isn’t paying when she uses my car. How do I get her to stop?

– Aiden J.

Señor Aiden, Juan no know Mi Madre because she leave when Juan very young and Juan no have car until many year later when Juan come to America. But Juan have problem long time ago in Ciudad Juárez like yours so Juan help you.

Juan no have Mi Madre but Mi Hermana Josefina twelve year older than Juan so Mi Hermana Josefina like Mi Madre.

Juan have friend in Ciudad Juárez Javier. Juan and Javier go to Big Hernando house and see gringo video game Nintendo. Javier say “Wow Big Hernando how you get gringo video game is very expensive I no afford”. Big Hernando say he have uncle in cartel who get video game. Big Hernando also say uncle get Juan and Javier game too but Juan and Javier must pay 800 peso that is like $40 in America. Juan and Javier do many job make dinero to buy Nintendo. Juan and Javier buy Nintendo and Big Hernando say “ey here games too”. Javier say Juan keep Nintendo and play at Juan house.

Juan bring home Nintendo but Mi Hermana Josefina always play it. Juan say “ey Mi Hermana Josefina why you no let us play Nintendo we buy with money”. Mi Hermana Josefina tell Juan it her house she make rule and Juan play game later. Juan no play game later because Mi Hermana Josefina tell Juan it time for bed. One day Javier say “Josefina no let us play Nintendo I pay for half. You give me Nintendo and we keep at mi casa instead.” Juan say yes that is good and we take Nintendo when Mi Hermana Josefina go to sleep.

Señor Aiden, Juan and Javier stop Mi Hermana Josefina from take Nintendo when we take away so you must take car key away from tu madre. When tu madre say “ey Señor Aiden I take car now” you say “How you take car when you no have key?” Tu madre ask for key, but you must be strong señor and no give her key. Tu madre say her house you say “That is fine mamá I leave and go live in car down by river like fat funny gringo Chris Farley”. Juan no know tu madre but Juan know she no want you live in car at river. Sometimes life like card game poker and you must call bluff.

Juan read question and see no say why tu madre borrow car every weekend. Why tu madre borrow car Señor Aiden? Juan no sure if she go to job or if she go to bar with gringa friends. If she only borrow car to have fun then you tell her no but if she need car go to work then you must help her.

You say “ey Juan you tell me no give her car now you tell me give her car what you doing amigo”. Juan know this but Juan also know it important to help family. You say “Okay mamá you need to go to job that is fine I take you there but I keep car” then you must take tu madre to work and pick her up when she done you do this and you keep car take many señorita on date. You also have sex with many señorita too so that is good.

If tu madre no use car go to work that is fine too you still say “Sí mamá I drive you to bar but not every time and you have gringa friend drive you home I need car take señorita to see date movie with gringo actor Ryan Gosling”. If tu madre say “No mijo you give me car por favor” you must say “Mamá I give you car but how I see movie with señorita?” Tu madre tell you call Über and you say “Sí mamá but how I have sex with señorita in Über car?” Tu madre no want know you have sex with many señorita in car so she say “¡Dios mío! Why you tell me that mijo okay you keep car no tell me you have sex!” Tu madre let you keep car and no borrow again because she no sit in seat she know you have sex in.

Señor Aiden, Juan know you work hard and pay for car but you no forget family. Is your car yes but is also tu madre. You must help tu madre but you no let her take car when she want. You must say “ey mamá I help you but you no keep take car I pay for so we make deal”. You do this señor and everyone happy and get what they want.

Best of luck to you, amigo.

Do you have a problem and need advice? Ask Juan! Leave a comment below (Disqus account required, it’s free and easy to make one), or send Juan an email at [email protected]!