Hola amigos, it is your pal Señor Juan!

Last month AJ tell Juan two article every month now. Juan really happy and check email find many letter from many gringo who need Juan advice. Juan say “ey AJ I get many email señor two article no enough”. AJ tell Juan no get greedy and say Juan answer three question every article like Frosty do when he read Juan email. Juan still do two article every month but Juan answer many question now so that is good you send Juan question and Juan answer.

First question Juan answer señorita go on date with gringo who have no dinero.

Dear Juan,

I’ve been seeing this boy for two months. He’s really nice but he never takes me anywhere. When I ask him why he says it’s because he doesn’t have any money. I know we’re only 16 but I’m tired of going to the park and hanging out in his mom’s basement. I wanna go out! Should I dump him?

Oh, and you should let Frosty answer more emails, he’s funny!

– Lauren A.


Ey Lauren Juan remember long time ago in Ciudad Juárez date Gorda Gabriela. Gorda Gabriela always say “Juan why you no take me out”. Juan no have job and no have money so no take Gorda Gabriela out. Lauren you say “ey Juan boyfriend only take me to park and basement!” You are very lucky amiga Juan no take girl to park in Ciudad Juárez because cartel own park and say “ey maricón we do business you no walk in park”. Juan also no have basement like gringo boyfriend so Juan must kiss Gorda Gabriela on couch in living room. Juan kiss Gorda Gabriela on couch one day and Mi Hermano Rico come home drunk and say “ey Juan you no tell me you go to beach today”. Juan say what you mean no go to beach. Mi Hermano Rico say “If you no go to beach then how you find whale”. Gorda Gabriela cry and no come back. Juan sad but that is life.

You say boyfriend no take you out because he no have money. Why boyfriend no have money he no have job? It very easy to find job in America Juan come to America and find many job. Boyfriend no have job he muy perezoso. If boyfriend do have job that is fine but if boyfriend have job why he no have money? Maybe he lie to you and really have money but spend on other señorita and say “sorry Señorita Lauren I no have money”. Maybe boyfriend have job and buy drugs and owe mucho dinero so he no lie when he say he have no money but that still no bueno.

Lauren you must dump gringo boyfriend. You no say boyfriend have job but it no matter because no matter what boyfriend es no bueno. If he no have job then he is lazy but if he have job and no have money then he stupid or he buy drug. You date stupid drug boy Lauren? Juan say no.

Juan tell Frosty no give advice again. why you want advice from drunk gringo? It no funny and now Juan look like stupid idiot. But Juan tell Frosty you say he funny and Frosty say tell gringa Lauren first beer on him.

Best of luck to you amiga.


Next email from woman who make food for gringa neighbor and they no return dish.

Dear Juan,

I’m always baking cookies cakes and pies for the other ladies at the office. Sometimes I share them with my neighbors too. They really appreciate the baked goods, but they never give me my containers back. These are some nice containers too, Pyrex isn’t cheap!

I like baking food for others and I don’t expect anything in return from them. But I just want my containers back! What’s the polite way of asking my neighbors for my containers back?

– Beth C.


Juan ask why you send question and no send cookie. Just kidding Señora Beth Juan still answer question.

Juan no sure what pyrex is so Juan ask Mi Hermana Josefina holy shit gringa why you give cookie to neighbor in nice glass container. Now Juan know why nobody give container back pyrex cost mucho dinero you give neighbor cookie but what you really give them is very expensive glass container. Why you no use plastic container? You go to Walmart and buy many plastic container for cookie it is very cheap and Juan go to Walmart all the time. You also find cool shirt for bad ass gringo rock band ACDC very cheap too. Juan know you no ask about shirt but Juan tell you anyway because Juan find cool shirt.

You no sure how to ask for container back it is very easy and Juan tell you how to do it right now. You make many cookie and put in plastic container for gringa neighbor. Bring cookie to neighbor and say “ey amiga I make more cookie for you. By the way you have other glass container I leave I must have those back por favor they are birthday gift from mi abuelita and they are very important mucha gracias.” They give you nice pyrex container back and you say “Gracias señora you keep plastic container if you want is okay”. You do this and neighbor give back container. You also send Juan many cookies Juan give you address it is (Come on Juan, don’t give out our address! ~AJ) you send many cookie and snack and Juan eat them.

Best of luck to you amiga.


Señora Beth good neighbor but man in last question have bad neighbor who let dog poop on lawn and no clean up.

Dear Juan,

My neighbor down the road walks his dog by our house and lets it shit on my lawn but never cleans it up. I know it’s him and I have him on camera but when I confronted him about it he said it wasn’t him. No, it was the fairy fucking godmother’s dog I guess? I went to the police about it but they laughed at me and asked what they were supposed to do. Um, how about you write him a ticket you lazy pigs??

How do I get my neighbor to clean his dog’s shit up? I was going to slash his tires but he has cameras so he’ll see me if I do. I have to do something though. What do you think, Juan?

– T. O.


You sign email with initials but email address have real name so Juan know you man and call you Señor. Juan no tell people real name you no worry Juan very good at keep secret. One time Juan see amigo Javier kiss fat girl but Juan no tell anyone because Javier say he no like fat girl but he really do.

Señor, neighbor say dog no poop on lawn but you have camera so you have proof. Juan say go to polícia but Juan see you say you do that and polícia laugh and no help. Ey Señor you live in Ciudad Juárez? Ciudad Juárez polícia lazy too so Juan know how you feel. Juan also think it is good polícia is lazy because lazy gringo polícia no stop you when you use advice Juan give.

Dog poop on lawn and lazy stupid owner no clean up. That is fine Señor because you clean up for him. You read this and say “ey Juan I no want clean up dog poop you no read email?” Juan know this but please trust is good reason and Juan tell you why now. You clean up poop yes Señor but you no put in your trash can. Neighbor no clean up poop because neighbor is trash and trash go in trash can so that mean neighbor house is big trash can. Dog leave a lot of poop so you must put poop in big trash can. You leave poop on neighbor lawn. If neighbor say “ey Señor you no leave poop on lawn” that is fine you leave poop on step. Neighbor get mad and say “ey puto I tell you no leave dog poop on house you do again I call polícia” that is fine too he call polícia and polícia laugh at him too. Then you poop on neighbor lawn and say “you no fuck with me cabrón you clean up dog poop next time or I poop on stupid gringo car”. Neighbor clean up dog poop because he know you poop on car. If neighbor still no clean up dog poop then he like poop on car and that is different problem Juan no help you with.

Best of luck to you amigo.


Do you have a problem and need advice? Ask Juan! Leave a comment below (Disqus account required, it’s free and easy to make one), or send Juan an email at [email protected]!

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By Señor Juan

AJ’s oldest friend and AJnet’s resident advice columnist, Señor Juan has been an AJnet Staff member since 2008, when AJ first hired him to pose for a picture and slash a neighbor’s tires. Since then Juan has been a valued member of the team, earning his American citizenship, piloting the AJnet Huey, and keeping Frosty from getting too carried away. His soothing stories, alleviating anecdotes, and ability to smile in even the most perilous of situations help others find the reassurance they need during troubling and trying times.