Hola amigos, it is your pal Señor Juan!

One day Juan come to AJnet Studio and check email from many people who need advice. Juan read email but get call from Mi Hermano Rico who drunk again and need ride home from bodega. Juan leave go pick up Mi Hermano Rico but Juan forget to log out of email. Frosty see Juan forget to log out of email and try to give advice instead. Frosty stupid drunk gringo though so he no give good advice and yell at people who need help. Juan tell AJ no publish article because it make Juan look bad but AJ say yes publish it because he want to see what happen. Juan know what happen Juan look like pendejo that is what will happen.

Juan apologize to people Frosty give bad advice to and make right by give good advice start with woman who have car trouble.

Dear Juan,

Last week when I was driving home from work, my steering wheel started vibrating. I noticed that it only happened on the highway when I was going fast. When I drove it through town it didn’t vibrate. My husband isn’t a car guy, so I had to take it to the mechanic.

The mechanic told me that it was a bad rear strut. He replaced it for me and charged me $2,000. I wasn’t happy about it, but I was just glad the car was fixed.

Or so I thought!

When I drove in to work the next day my steering wheel was still vibrating. I was furious, Juan! I left work early and went right back to that mechanic and asked him why the hell my car wasn’t fixed after I just paid him $2,000 to fix it. He started to hem and haw and say it might be something else causing the problem, and he’d be willing to work me in that day to look at it. Against my better judgement I agreed, with the stipulation that he doesn’t charge me any further.

The next day, the mechanic called to tell me the car was fixed, and I could come pick it up. So after Ubering down to the place, I get there and the mechanic tells me it was my tire causing the problem! Apparently I had a huge bump on my tire that caused the steering wheel to vibrate when driving at high speeds. I asked why he charged me $2,000 for new struts when all I needed was a new tire. The asshole just shrugged at me!

What should I do here? I don’t think it’s right that I paid all this money for a new tire. Can I sue him? What do you think Juan?

– Andrea D.

Juan no mechanic but Juan spend time at garage with Mi Primo Hector so Juan know about cars. Juan also know gringo mechanic rip you off Señora Andrea.

Juan see that stupid mechanic replace strut and no see bump on tire when he do it Señora Andrea that no possible because to replace strut stupid mechanic must first remove tire. Bump muy grande if it make steering wheel vibrate when drive if mechanic no see it when he take tire off mechanic blind like gringo musician Stevie Wonder and no allowed to work on cars.

Juan also see that stupid mechanic charge you $2,000 to replace strut holy shit señora why you pay that much for strut. Mechanic replace both strut in back of car because that is what you are supposed to do but Señora Andrea two strut no cost more than $700. Juan tell Mi Primo Hector gringo mechanic charge $2,000 for strut and Mi Primo Hector say a lot of curse word and ask if mechanic wear ski mask to work when he steal money from customer. Mi Primo Hector say tell gringa Andrea bring car to his shop next time and he give big discount because he feel bad stupid mechanic rip you off. But you probably no live in Philadelphia so you find closer shop instead.

Señora Andrea, yes you talk to lawyer and sue stupid fucking mechanic. You do it for you and you also do it for other customer he steal money from. You take all his money so he no have business anymore.

Best of luck to you amiga.


Next question come from old man with el gato who poop all over floor and gringo daughter and granddaughter no clean up.

Dear Juan,

I’m a 74 year old man who lives with his daughter and granddaughter.

Recently, they adopted a cat from the animal shelter. My granddaughter was thrilled, and seeing her come home excited with her new kitten made me so happy. It was the most god-damned adorable thing I’ve ever seen, Juan!

What wasn’t adorable was the first time I stepped in cat shit. Or the second time. Or the third time. Or the hundreds of times after that. This fucking furball does nothing but shit all the live long day! I told my daughter about it, and she keeps promising to train the thing to use a litter box, but she’s never home to do it because when she’s not at work she’s out galavanting about at the bar with her friends while I’m stuck at home watching my granddaughter and stepping in cat shit.

What should I do, Juan? I’m not one for animal abuse, but “accidently” letting the cat get outside and run into the road is starting to look like a really good idea. If I step in one more pile of cat shit I’m going to lose my own shit!

– Phillip F.

Ey Señor Phillip Juan know how you feel because Juan have to clean up after Frosty.

First Juan see you say you want to let el gato get hit by car go fuck yourself cabrón you no kill el gato if you do Juan kill you. But Juan read again and understand you just angry and no really want to do that Juan sorry for getting mad Señor Phillip. But you no hurt el gato because it not el gato fault it no use litter box.

Señor Phillip if daughter no want to clean up poop then you must tell her “ey mi hija el gato poop on floor and I step on it why you no clean up”. If she get mad and still no clean up that is fine too.

Daughter think she have choice and choose no clean up poop. You must make so she have no choice. When el gato poop on floor you take poop and put in daughter’s bed. Daughter come home drunk at night and lay on poop bed and say “ey why el gato poop on bed”, you tell daughter “el gato poop on floor too mi hija you must train him to poop in litter box or he keep poop in bed”. If daughter no train el gato you keep put poop in bed. If daughter still no train el gato then she like poop in bed but that is different problem Juan no help you with.

Juan read letter again and see daughter never home because she always working or at bar with gringa friends. Señor Phillip you must understand your daughter work hard to take care of granddaughter so she go to bar with gringa friends to blow steam. Daughter work hard and play harder. You no hear song by gringa Cindi Lauper that say “Girls just want to have fun”? Juan think you teach el gato use litter box and do nice thing for daughter because you good father like daughter good mother. You home all day so what you do? Watch old show Columbo about gringo detective? Señor Phillip is either you train el gato or you pick up poop and put in daughter’s bed every day. Juan think choice very easy.

Best of luck to you amigo.


Last question come from man with roommate who drink too much and make mess.

Dear Juan,

I rent a small apartment with my friend. He pays his share of the rent and bills, but he has a drinking problem. I wouldn’t care so much but he leaves his empty beer cans laying all over the apartment and won’t clean them up. I tried asking nicely and he said he would, but he never does and it’s starting to piss me off. It stinks and now it’s attracting little flies. How do I get through to this knucklehead and get him to clean up his empty beer cans?

– Dom H.

Ey Frosty you no tell me you have roommate.

Juan make joke because Frosty just like roommate you write about Señor Dom. Frosty drink mucho beer and leave empty bottle and can all over AJnet studio and in hallway outside studio too. Gringo landlord Marc always say AJ “ey you tell Frosty he no leave empty bottle and can in hallway señor other people trip on them and make hallway dirty too”. AJ tell Frosty clean up but Frosty drink more beer instead and leave more empty bottle and can in hallway and in studio.

AJ tell Frosty clean up or he no work at AJnet anymore. Juan get Frosty job at AJnet so Frosty embarrass Juan if he fire. Juan say he help Frosty clean up mess. Frosty still drink more beer but Juan make sure he work too and empty can and bottle clean up. AJ see Frosty and Juan clean up empty beer and say “thank you señores here is case of beer I put in fridge so you drink when done clean up”. Frosty hurry up and finish clean up because Frosty want more beer. Landlord Marc also come by and say “ey thank you señores here is pizza we eat when you done clean up and play old video game on Nintendo 64”. Juan help Frosty and get free pizza and beer so that is good. Juan lose at crazy gringo game Mario Kart though but that is life.

Señor Dom read Juan story and say “ey Juan I no slave I no clean up mess I no make”. No Señor Dom you no slave. You good friend. You must say to friend “ey amigo we clean up together and then drink more beer and eat pizza”. You clean up then buy pizza and friend give you beer and play video game. You no lose game like Juan though. You do this and you have good time with good friend. Or you no do this and have dirty house with mucho fly, it is your choice Señor Dom and Juan know what good choice is.

Best of luck to you amigo.


Juan very sorry stupid drunk Frosty try give advice in future Juan no forget to log out of email.


Do you have a problem and need advice? Ask Juan! Leave a comment below (Disqus account required, it’s free and easy to make one), or send Juan an email at [email protected]!

By Señor Juan

AJ’s oldest friend and AJnet’s resident advice columnist, Señor Juan has been an AJnet Staff member since 2008, when AJ first hired him to pose for a picture and slash a neighbor’s tires. Since then Juan has been a valued member of the team, earning his American citizenship, piloting the AJnet Huey, and keeping Frosty from getting too carried away. His soothing stories, alleviating anecdotes, and ability to smile in even the most perilous of situations help others find the reassurance they need during troubling and trying times.