I still try to avoid using public restrooms if I can.
15 years ago, I wrote an article about some of the annoying things people do in public bathrooms.
Nothing has changed since then. Public bathrooms are still disgusting cesspools filled with disgusting people doing disgusting things. Here’s some more things I hate about public bathrooms, continuing exactly where we left off 15 years ago.
9. Seriously bro, what did you eat?
It never fails. Almost any time I have to take a shit, the person in the stall next to me is always firing off shit blasts like a goddamn volcano.
Seriously, am I the only person in this world who doesn’t have explosive diarrhea all of the time? What happened to just dropping a normal log in the toilet? I’m not sure what these people are eating that’s making them take dumps that the United Nations would classify as biological warfare, but if every poop you take sounds and smells like death then it’s definitely time to check your diet.
10. Your commentary sucks.
In the last article I touched on the people who like to talk while touching themselves.
I neglected to mention a very specific kind of talker: The guy providing commentary on other people taking a shit.
Listening to the guy in number 9 firing shotgun-style shit blasts is bad enough. We don’t need your unfunny ass saying stuff like “Damn dawg!” or “Yummy!” while he’s doing it. You’re not John Madden, you’re not Jim Ross, you’re not even Jeff Ross. This isn’t open mic night at the Giggle Hut. We’re here to use the bathroom, not listen to some retard making jokes. If I wanted to hear shit jokes I’d put on an Adam Sandler movie.
11. Stop “threading the needle”.
“Threading the needle” is when a guy tries to pee without lifting the toilet seat, usually succeeding in getting piss all over the seat, and getting me pissed me off when I have to take a shit but can’t because your degenerate ass apparently wasn’t toilet trained.
When I was growing up, I’d spend my summers visiting my grandma at her house in the rural area outside of Pittsburgh. In her bathroom, she had a little hand painted decorative sign that said “If you sprinkle when you tinkle, be a sweetie and wipe the seatie”. When I win the 2024 Presidential Election, I’m going to mandate that this sign be standard issue in all public bathrooms. Once you pass the age of five, there’s no excuse for still leaving piss on the toilet seat.
Thank you for making sure I didn’t grow up to be a filthy degenerate animal who pisses all over toilet seats, grandma.
12. No, I do not want to play “Battleshits”, you goddamn weirdo.
Remember that scene in Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle where Harold and Kumar are at the college, and they end up in the women’s bathroom while the two girls are playing “Battleshits”, taking turns launching shit blasts?
Apparently people really do this shit.
One time at a job I used to work at, I was in the bathroom playing on my phone instead of working when someone entered the bathroom and sat down in the stall next to me. As I continued to ignore my name being paged over the store intercom by my boss and kept looking at porn, I hear someone putting on a robotic voice:
“Boop. Would you like to play Battleshits?”
I didn’t even answer. I pulled my pants up and ran out of there as fast as I could. I don’t know who this creep was, and I sure as hell wasn’t sticking around to find out. I’m 100% sure that if I had stuck around he’d have forced down the door to my stall and violated my sweet little bootyhole, because anyone who actually plays Battleshits in a public bathroom with strangers is unhinged and definitely the kind of person who would anally rape someone in a bathroom.
13. Wash your hands.
It’s amazing how many people I notice not washing their hands after using the bathroom.
It’s one thing to not wash your hands after taking a piss at home, but anyone who takes a shit and doesn’t wash their hands after is disgusting. Especially if you’re out in public. You just took a shit without washing your hands and now you’re trying to shake my hand? Don’t touch me with your grubby little poop fingers you filthy fucking peasant.
And yes, if you’re out in public, wash your hands after pissing too. I don’t want to touch your dirty peepee fingers, and by walking around touching stuff after touching your dick you’re spreading cock particles everywhere. So now when I grab that door handle after you, I’m effectively grabbing your cock. Am I supposed to walk around saying “No homo” all the time or carrying a basketball with me everywhere (because it’s not gay if there’s a basketball in the room)? That’s highly impractical, unlike washing your hands after using the bathroom, which only takes a moment of your time and is quick and easy. Much like your mom.
14. Why do you care where I pee?
It’s time for me to come clean about something.
I’m a stall pisser.
No, I don’t sit down to pee. I just prefer to stand in a stall when I piss. I never thought anything of this for years until one day some guys started giving me shit about it. They wanted to know why I didn’t like standing at a urinal. I laughed them off, but they kept pestering me about it, insinuating that I sat down to pee and that I had a small dick. I honestly didn’t know how to reply to this. Why were these dudes so hung up on me not using a urinal? Did they want to see my schlong or something?
I never figured out why they cared so much, but over the years I had a few others question my choice to pee in a stall. I honestly have no idea why I prefer a stall over the urinal, and I honestly have no idea why other people care so much about where someone else pees. If you guys are that desperate to know what my dick looks like just ask your mom.
15. Automatic light timers
In the last article, I mentioned automatic sinks and automatic hand dryers. I mentioned that I was glad that automatic toilet paper dispensers hadn’t caught on yet.
Thankfully they still haven’t caught on yet. Unfortunately though, they found something even worse to automate in the bathroom: The lights.
There is nothing worse than being in the middle of taking a shit and having the lights suddenly go out because some cheap bastard set the timer for the automatic lights to five minutes. As you flail your hands around helplessly, you realize that the sensor that activates them is just out of reach. So now you’re sitting in a dark stall with your pants around your ankles, hoping and praying that someone else has to use the bathroom soon so the lights come back on and you aren’t forced to wipe your ass by the light of your phone.
Look, I get not wanting to leave the lights on when nobody’s in the room. A five minute bathroom light timer is unacceptable though, and when I become president I’m going to mandate that all bathroom light timers be no less than 15 minutes. After that amount of time, your poop should be over. If it’s not, you’re either playing around on your phone or you’re constipated. Either way, it’s time for you to get the fuck out of the bathroom.
16. Why are you pulling your pants all the way down at the urinal?
I’m not sure why anyone over the age of five would still do this.
It’s fucking weird and gross coming into a bathroom and seeing some dude standing there at the urinal with his pants at his ankles, bare naked ass exposed for all the world to see. You know your pants have a zipper, right? Pull your pants up you damn heathen.
If you absolutely have to pull your pants all the way down to pee, go into a stall. Nobody wants to see your ass, bro.
I’ll be back in another 15 years with some more things that suck about public bathrooms.
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