ey amigos it is your pal Señor Juan!
Many people ask Juan how he start give advice. Juan tell how.
Long time ago when AJ no write for site anymore Juan go to bar and meet crazy gringo man name Frosty. Frosty ask Juan if he want to give advice on website he call “I Feeling Frosty”. Juan say no but Frosty buy Juan many Corona and have him sign paper Juan find out later is legally binding contract that say Juan work for I Feeling Frosty site. Juan tell Frosty he no give good advice but Frosty do not care and say that he deport Juan if Juan no play ball what in hell Juan no good at giving advice but Juan really bad at sports. In high school coach say Juan no kick soccer ball even if it no move and Mi Hermano Rico say “I kick ball coach” and kick Juan between legs but that is life.
Now AJ write again and I Feeling Frosty site no exist anymore but AJ say Juan advice mucho bueno and ask him keep giving advice to people on AJnet website instead. Juan help Frosty get job writing on AJ website too so that is good.
Today person who ask question have bad life:
Dear Juan,
My life sucks!
I’m 20 years old and still a virgin. If that’s not bad enough, I’m fat and ugly. Just look at the picture I attached! I’m hideous!
Last week I tried to talk to a girl at work and things seemed to be going well. I asked her to see a movie with me, and she said she’d meet me out front of the movie theater. She didn’t, Juan! She stood me up. The next day at work she called me a freak and embarrassed me in front of my coworkers like a cold hard bitch. I went home and tried to hang myself but the ceiling fan broke because of my weight and now my mom wants me to pay for it.
My job is so awful that I pretend to call out sick because I don’t like it. I work as a janitor at a local hospital. The doctors all make fun of me and call me Private Pyle because they think I look like the guy from Full Metal Jacket. They make messes on purpose so I have to clean them up. One doctor took a shit in a bedpan and made me clean it! There was a nurse there that was nice to me and stood up for me, so I tried to ask her out on a date. She told me she was a lesbian, but then I saw her outside making out with one of the doctors. She lied to me!
I barely have any friends. Sometimes I hang out with these guys, but all they do is drink and throw trash at me. I fell asleep around them once and woke up covered in paper balls, gum wrappers, and beer bottles! Now all I really do is stay home and play Madden on my X-Box.
I don’t know what to do anymore Juan. My life lacks direction and purpose. I wanted to go to trade school for masonry but I can’t afford it working as a hospital janitor. I put in applications at other places but nobody ever calls me back. If things don’t get better soon I might buy a gun and shoot myself in the head. I don’t want to do this but if things keep going this way I’ll have no other choice. If anyone can help me it’s you Señor Juan! Help me get my life together!
Sincerely,
John H.
Juan know how you feel John H. Juan no fat 20 year old virgin but Juan use to be make fun of when he young. One time Juan in high school and he go to bathroom on Taco Tuesday and get beat up by Big Hernando. Big Hernando give Juan swirly in dirty toilet that Juan poop in then he burn Juan with cigarette. Juan tell teacher but teacher call Juan liar and say Big Hernando no do that. Teacher laugh at Juan and tell him go fuck himself. Juan go home and tell Uncle Paco. Uncle Paco tell Juan no take shit from Big Hernando because Uncle Paco see Big Hernando madré work at donkey show for gringo tourist. Juan no believe Uncle Paco until Uncle Paco give him picture. Juan go to school next day and show picture to whole school and make Big Hernando cry in bathroom all day. Then Juan steal teacher’s wallet and put drugs in teacher’s desk then tell principal who have teacher arrested because teacher no have money to pay bribe. Everyone in school think Juan cool and be Juan’s friend. Juan no take shit from Big Hernando and asshole teacher you no take shit from asshole doctor. Next time doctor shit in bedpan you say “Yes señor I clean up for you” then drop bedpan with shit on doctor and say “Oops señor I very sorry I trip over cord on floor you stupid fucking doctor why you leave cord on floor you no fuck with me ese or I tell boss you stupid and leave cord on floor where people trip” you become cool like Daddy Yankee.
Juan look at picture you send:
Holy shit gringo tu eres muy feo. You no look like crazy man from movie Full Metal Jacket you look like Kevin James cross with lesbian but that is okay because Kevin James have hot wife on TV show King of Queens. Juan fill her taco with sour cream any time she want.
First you clean dirty face so you no look like man Juan see in van next to school then you cut hair and go to gym to turn fat into muscle and be strong like el burro. You lift weight it is very easy Juan do it every day. Then you shave head and grow manly beard and become strongman and get many señoritas.
You no have money. Let Juan tell you about Uncle Paco. Uncle Paco once very poor man then Uncle Paco find nice shirt gringo tourist leave in Tijuana bar. Man see Uncle Paco have nice shirt and give Uncle Paco 250 peso for shirt Uncle Paco go find many shirt and sell to many people make mucho dinero John you must be like Uncle Paco and sell lot of stuff. Juan ask Uncle Paco for advice Uncle Paco say tell gringo John buy low sell high you follow Uncle Paco advice and make lot of money go to trade school.
It tough to change bad life but Juan know you can do it. Like Mi Hermana Josefina tell Juan bad thing only happen if you let them. You must be strong señor be like Dodge pickup truck grab life by horns. You tell life “ey life I no weak stupid baboso you no fuck with John” then smack life in face with dick and have sex with hot chica nurse.
Best of luck to you amigo!
Do you have a problem and need Señor Juan’s advice? Drop Juan a line at [email protected], or leave him a comment below!
Angry_Jerk