My cheeseburger (2023 edition)

14 years ago, I was very hungry and wanted something good to eat.

Rather than actually make something good to eat, I instead grabbed two frozen Walmart premade burger patties, some salt, pepper, and garlic powder, a couple of Walmart-brand processed cheese singles, and a few slices of (most likely expired) bacon, then cooked it in a frying pan on the propane stove in the 25 foot camper trailer I was renting at the time from some guy named Tony in a trailer park in the mountains.

Because I was drunk, high, unemployed, and dirt poor at the time, this burger tasted like the best burger I ever had. So instead of listening to my at-the-time girlfriend’s request that I spend my day packing our stuff because we were moving to an actual house later in the week, I decided to fire up Adobe Dreamweaver (ugh) and share my glorious burger with the entire world wide web.

Except I didn’t really share anything, I just aimlessly rambled for a couple of paragraphs, made a lame joke about the Hamburglar, then published the mess and fucked off to drink some more hard liquor, smoke some more weed, and maybe pack a couple of boxes if I was feeling generous. I’m serious folks, I was a mess in 2009. I actually found a picture I took of a typical breakfast for me in 2009:

I honestly forgot about this article until a reader left a comment on it back in March. I then forgot about it again until recently when I began playing with the random article button (the button at the top of the page that looks like the shuffle symbol) and the article turned up again like a bad penny. Obviously this is a sign from God himself that I must right my past wrong and actually share a burger recipe.

God can feel free to fuck right off with interfering with AJnet, but I’ll still share my burger recipe. An actual burger recipe, not that frozen Walmart premade bullshit I made under the influence.

Ingredients

A good burger requires good ingredients.

But since the economy is fucked (thanks Joe Biden), we’ll have to make do with ingredients that are affordable. None of that fancy foofoo boujie organic name brand bullshit. Feel free to buy the generic brand of any of this shit. Honestly, unless you’re Gordon Ramsay you’re not going to taste the difference. If you ARE Gordon Ramsay, hey man I love Kitchen Nightmares but you need to go check up on your restaurant in Atlantic City, I’ve had better steaks at Applebee’s.

To make one of my awesome burgers, you’re going to need the following:

• 80/20 ground beef
• Salt
• Pepper
• Garlic powder
• Powdered brown gravy mix (Don’t use already made gravy, it’s too wet)
• Worcestershire sauce (you can also use soy or teriyaki sauce here instead, but it’s honestly not the same)
• Onion soup mix
• Italian breadcrumbs
• Parmesan cheese

You could also use McCormick’s Hamburger seasoning or Mesquite seasoning instead of salt, pepper and garlic powder if you happen to have one of those on hand or catch them on sale, but it’s not a requirement.

While you’re shopping for your ingredients, don’t forget the peripherals:

• Cheese (deli-sliced, Muenster is the best but you can also use sharp cheddar or just plain old American cheese)
• Rolls (I’m a seeded brioche guy myself, but these burgers taste just fine on a regular kaiser roll or even just a generic bagged bun)
• Pickle chips (dill only)
• Ketchup
• Yellow mustard (spicy brown is good if you’re going to suck down a dick with it I guess)
• Lettuce (green leaf is best, but iceberg is usually cheaper and also acceptable)
• Tomato
• Red onions (make sure you add SHREKSTRA onion for our Ogrelord!)

Mix the meat

Next you’re gonna take your ingredients and mix them in a bowl. Measuring is for pussies, so eye it. Some quick guidelines for mixing the ingredients:

• Go easy on the salt. Remember, you’re also adding Worcestershire sauce, which is basically just liquid salt.
• The breadcrumbs and parmesan cheese are basically there to bind the burger (I don’t use eggs in my burgers), so use just enough to counteract the wetness of the Worcestershire sauce. You can go a little heavier on the powdered gravy and the onion soup mix, since they’ll actually add flavor and absorb more of the wetness.
• Some people prefer to use already made brown gravy in their burgers. Those people are idiots, don’t do this. It makes the burger wetter, and a wet burger will just fall apart on the grill.
• You can also use 85/15 or 73/27 ground beef if you really want, but I personally find 85/15 to not have enough grease while 73/27 is too greasy.
• You can make your patties right before grilling, but I’ve found that making them the night before allows for better absorption and thus more flavorful burgers.
• Speaking of making patties, invest in a patty shaper. You get nice even-shaped burgers, which cook better and more consistently. I use this one.
• Some people like to season their patties after they’re made. I don’t always do this, but there’s nothing wrong with throwing a little bit of salt and pepper onto your burgers before cooking them. You can also put a very light coating of cooking oil on the patties before seasoning them. This helps prevent the burgers from sticking, and also adds flavor.

Fire up that grill!

Now it’s time to cook the patties. You can also use a cast iron skillet if you don’t own a grill, but prepare to smoke out your house in the process. Some pointers for grilling:

• When grilling your burgers, you want a medium-high heat. Some people measure this by saying that you should be able to safely hold your hand to the grill at the distance of a beer can. I don’t do that, and to be honest that sounds fucking stupid. Just make sure it’s hot enough to cook the burger at a reasonable speed without burning it.
• A perfectly cooked burger is only flipped once. Once you see the edges starting to brown, it’s time to flip. After that, it’s usually only another few minutes before the burger is done.
• If you’re going to add BBQ sauce to the burger, make sure you put it on after you flip. This gives the sauce time to caramelize a little bit, and doesn’t leave a huge mess on the grill. Plus, the cheese will melt into the sauce, which only enhances the flavor further.
• Meat thermometers are for ovens and assholes. Learn to grill your burgers (and other meats) by eye.
• Let the cheese melt before you take the burger off the grill. So many people don’t do this basic thing and it pisses me off. It’s one extra minute you buzzards, don’t give me a cold slice of cheese on my hot burger.

Enjoy your burger

Why are you still reading this? Eat that jawn, homie!