The votes are in, and the hottest place to host your bachelor party isn’t where you’d expect!
Howdy Muggheads! Frosty here with a game-changing tip for all you poor schlubs out there getting ready to throw on the ol’ ball and chain!
Yesterday while I was drinking, I got to thinking. Juan had bad gas, so he got to stinking. AJ had something in his eye, so he got to winking. Somewhere in the ocean a boat had a hole and got to sinking. Remember that movie Titanic? That was CRAZY! A lot of people may have died on that boat, but not Leonardo DiCaprio’s career, that’s for sure!
What was I talking about again? Oh yeah.
So there I was, having a few drinks and thinking about good times with old friends. Stories of glories, tales of fails. I remembered my old flame Chantou, who after an exhilarating evening of emotion had left me and returned to her home country of Cambodia.
I took another swig of my amber-colored comfort. Yes, tonight would be a tale of lost love.
As I recounted the events of that night to AJ and Juan, tears welled in my eyes. Once I got to the part where I smashed an entire bottle of beer over Slim’s head, I couldn’t do it anymore. I broke down crying. That’s right, Frosty has emotion folks, and he’s not afraid to admit it! All that beer just WASTED! Also it was kind of sad that I hospitalized my friend.
AJ excused himself from the room, and Juan attempted to comfort me.
“ey pendejo why you sad she no like you anyway remember”
That’s not true! We were supposed to get MARRIED! I told Juan this, and I told him again and again and AGAIN until he admitted he was wrong.
After finally admitting defeat, Juan asked where the bachelor party would have been. An excellent question indeed, Juanito! Luckily, I’ve had this all planned out for a VERY long time!
Most guys will have their bachelor parties at strip clubs or bars. BORING! One of my friends did paintball for his bachelor party. Paint THESE balls, you unoriginal loser! On a side note, getting shot in the balls with a paintball gun actually really hurts a lot.
No boring bachelor parties for Ol’ Frosty! That’s why I’m suggesting the ULTIMATE bachelor party place:
Yessir, that’s right, I’m telling you to have your bachelor party at Chuck E. Cheese’s!
I know some of you are probably confused, because years of VICIOUS and MISLEADING propaganda has led you to (mistakenly!!) believe that Chuck E. Cheese’s is for kids only. My dear Muggheads, I’m not ashamed to admit that I too once believed this horrific lie.
Chuck E. Cheese is NOT just for kids, and here’s why:
- They sell beer! Can kids buy beer? NOPE!
- They have arcade games like Terminator Judgement Day. A shooting game, based on an R-rated movie, FOR KIDS? I don’t think so, Tim!
- They have no age limit for customers, and you don’t need a kid with you to enter. If it’s for kids then why can adults enter WITHOUT one, HMMM?
No reader, Chuck E. Cheese is DEFINITELY not just for kids, and if you think so then you’re a FOOL!
Chuck E. Cheese is actually the perfect place to host a bachelor party for a whole lot of reasons:
- They sell beer!
- There’s no limit to how big your party can be. Tell your friends to bring their friends, it’s a PAR-TAY!
- They have really good pizza! You can’t eat ‘za at the strip club, and even if you could who buys pizza at a strip club? Gross!
- Paintball? How about BALL PIT? Bachelor party ball pit wrestling is way funner than getting shot in the balls with hard balls of paint!
- Forget the strippers, Chuck E. Cheese is full of single moms! And you don’t even have to tip them! Sure, they might not look like strippers, but that’s what the beer is for! Why, with enough beer, you can turn ANY woman into a perfect ten!
- Arcade! Why play with yourself at the strip club when you could be playing TERMINATOR JUDGEMENT DAY with the boys (and girls, AJ says we don’t discriminate here at AJnet!)?
- Can you win tickets and exchange them for cool prizes at the strip club or the paintball place? No you can’t! You can do this at Chuck E. Cheese’s though!
- Some strip clubs won’t let you touch the performers, but there’s none of that nonsense at Chuck E. Cheese’s! Chuck E. Cheese not only allows you to touch the performers, they ENCOURAGE it! Go ahead and hug the giant rat, no big meathead bouncer is gonna throw you out! Cop a feel, nobody’s gonna tell! (Editor’s note: Our lawyers have advised us to clarify that Frosty was just joking, and that AJnet doesn’t condone or encourage sexual assault. Please don’t molest the employees at Chuck E. Cheese)
Still not sold on Chuck E. Cheese? Consider THESE facts about having your bachelor party at the strip club or the paintball place!
- The strip club costs a lot of money. I mean, A LOT! You have to pay some big stupid meathead bouncer just to walk into the freaking place! Then the drinks are expensive as HELL! $8-$10 for a beer?! And if that’s not enough, you have women walking around shaking you down for MORE money! By the end of the night you’ve spent HUNDREDS of dollars just to see some boobies. I can see boobies for free, it’s called THE INTERNET!
- The paintball place won’t let you play if you’re drunk. WEE WOO WEE WOO, here comes the FUN POLICE! Chuck E. Cheese has no rules against having fun!
- Getting shot in the balls with a paintball gun hurts!
- The ball pit at Chuck E. Cheese is probably cleaner than the stripper’s hoo-ha.
- A lot of dirty ratty-looking people hang out at the strip club. The only ratty person you’ll find at Chuck E. Cheese’s is Chuck himself! Unlike Chuck, those ratty strip club people will STAB you with heroin needles if you try to hug them!
- If you throw coins at the strippers they get really angry. If you throw them at the Chuck E. Cheese employees they give you tickets to exchange for cool prizes! I think (drink!)?
- If you go to the strip club you can’t actually do anything with the strippers. If you go paintballing some jerk will SHOOT YOU IN THE BALLS WITH A PAINTBALL GUN!! So either way you’re gonna get blue balls! The only blue balls at Chuck E. Cheese are the ones in the BALL PIT! And there’s even green ones and red ones and yellow ones and purple ones too!
- Did I mention the part about Chuck E. Cheese having an arcade?
- I need another beer. Be right back. BEER right back!
- My friend Alex’s bachelor party was boring!
- Chuck E. Cheese should pay me for writing this article!
If you’re not having your bachelor party at Chuck E. Cheese, then you’re missing out on the funnest experience of your life! Forget the dancing strippers, have a strip of pizza then join Chuck and his friends in doing the chicken dance! Shooting balls of paint? How about shooting FUCKING ROBOTS AND SAVING THE HUMAN RACE FROM SKYNET in the arcade, then shooting basketballs and playing skeeball and winning tons of tickets to trade in for tons of prizes!
Let’s end this expensive charade, my marvelous Muggheads! If it’s your turn to plan your best friend’s bachelor party, say NO to the strip club, say NO to paintball, and say YES to Chuck E. Cheese’s! Beer, pizza, arcade games, and ball pits, how could you go wrong?