DEAR JUAN: My friend and I both like the same girl!

Hola amigos! It’s your pal Señor Juan!

Juan really busy last few week.

Uncle Paco own taco shop and still sell shirt too. He hire Mi Hermano Rico to work in shop and help make taco for many customer. Business do really good until last month Mi Hermano Rico have too much to drink at bodega and try to walk home at night in bad neighborhood. Criminal see Mi Hermano Rico drunk and out alone at night so he pull out gun and tell Mi Hermano Rico “ey maricón give me your wallet”. Mi Hermano Rico drunk and stupid and watch many movie about gringo hero Steven Seagal. Mi Hermano Rico tell criminal “Go fuck yourself ese I no give you money”. Man hit Mi Hermano Rico with gun and fight with him and shoot Mi Hermano Rico in leg. Mi Hermano Rico go to hospital and doctor say he no walk for eight week.

Juan very sad but he know Mi Hermano Rico be alright because he strong. Mi Hermano Rico once wrestle Subcomandante Marcos and win in 15 second. Uncle Paco wrestle Subcomandante Marcos too and win in nine second though so Juan not sure if Subcomandante Marcos really strong like he say.

Uncle Paco ask Juan to work at taco and shirt shop while Mi Hermano Rico heal from gunshot. Juan say he busy with AJ website but AJ tell Juan family come first go help Uncle Paco. Juan realize he have phone and read email at work when no busy plus Juan get free taco too so that is good.

Today Juan answer email from person who like same girl as amigo.

Dear Juan,

There’s a girl at school I like, let’s call her Mallory. I want to ask her out, and normally that wouldn’t be a problem except for one small thing: My best friend likes her too!

My best friend, we’ll call him Greg, also likes Mallory. And how could he NOT? She’s pretty, she’s smart, she plays video games (best Fortnite partner EVER!), she likes sports. This girl has it all, Juan!

I’ve spent many late nights playing Fortnite and talking to her for hours about stuff. It’s like we’re meant to be together. But her and Greg get along really good too. I’ve tried talking to Greg about it but he just laughs it off like it’s no big deal. It IS a big deal though!

What should I do, Juan? I really like Mallory and I want to ask her out, but Greg’s been my best friend since we were kids and I know he’ll be upset if I ask her out first. Who should I choose? The love of my life, or my best friend?

– Matt C.


Señor Matt, Juan know how you feeling. Juan know very well because Juan have similar thing happen when he young.

Many year ago when Juan grow up in Ciudad Juárez Juan have friend Javier. Juan and Javier best friend, nobody ever see Juan without Javier. People make many joke about it. They say “ey we no see Juan without other hahaha”. Juan no sure why they talk in English to make bad joke but Juan no care because he have fun with Javier. Juan and Javier do fun stuff like chase chicken around Mi Abuelita yard and throw rock at Dirty Pablo from school.

One day new girl come to school. Teacher say her name Señorita Sofia. Juan tell Javier he want to take Señorita Sofia to soccer game. Javier say no, he want to take her instead. Juan and Javier argue many day over Señorita Sofia. Juan beat up Javier in school yard. Javier give classmate Big Hernando money and Big Hernando stick Juan head in toilet while Javier hit Juan with dirty plunger covered in poop.

While Juan and Javier fight over Señorita Sofia, we no see Dirty Pablo talk to her instead. One day Juan go to soccer game with Mi Hermana Josefina and see Dirty Pablo and Señorita Sofia on big screen. Juan see Dirty Pablo kiss Señorita Sofia while crowd cheer for them. Juan really sad and go cry in bathroom. Javier also at soccer game and see Dirty Pablo kiss Señorita Sofia. Javier go to bathroom too and find Juan. Juan and Javier apologize and agree never fight over girl again. Juan and Javier also agree to teach Dirty Pablo lesson.

Juan pay announcer 400 peso to make announcement that say Dirty Pablo win money and come to bathroom to get it. Juan know Dirty Pablo fall for this because Dirty Pablo very poor and want money. Javier have cousin who run camera for stadium so he ask him to come to bathroom and record funny joke.

Announcer say “ey Dirty Pablo we have mucho dinero for you señor please come to bathroom and get money!” Dirty Pablo run to bathroom think he get money. Instead he get poop. Juan grab Dirty Pablo and stick head in toilet while Javier hit Dirty Pablo with dirty plunger covered in poop. Javier cousin record and everyone in stadium see Dirty Pablo hit with poop plunger. Crowd laugh at Dirty Pablo and Señorita Sofia no want to kiss him anymore. Señorita Sofia see Juan and Javier outside stadium after game and say beat up Dirty Pablo was very funny and she want to kiss real men. Juan and Javier laugh in face of Señorita Sofia and tell her go fuck herself. Juan and Javier walk to Mi Hermana Josefina car singing song “T.N.T.” by gringo band AC/DC. Javier move away to Guadalajara in high school and Juan get date with Señorita Sofia then but that is different story.

Señor Matt, Juan make mistake many year ago when he fight with Javier over Señorita Sofia. You no make same mistake like Juan you do right thing and no date Señorita Mallory if it ruin friendship with gringo friend Greg.

Juan give advice on how best friend more important than woman but then Juan see you say Señorita Mallory love of your life holy shit gringo tu es muy loco. Juan think you still too young to know Señorita Mallory love of your life. You have many girlfriend already? Juan say probably no. Señor Matt, there many fish in sea. How you know what fish you like if you only try one? You are young señor, you must have fun now. Juan get old and start going bald but he look back on many fun time with Javier and happy he move on from Señorita Sofia. Juan also look back on many nights with many señoritas and happy about that too. Juan tell AJ about email and AJ say tell Señor Matt “Bros before hoes”. AJ then start singing song by rapper Dr. Dre that say bad thing about woman Juan no repeat here. Juan understand what AJ mean though, Señor Matt you must be loyal to friend you know long time. Juan think you just stay friends with Señorita Mallory though because Juan know it very hard to find good Fortnite partner. Juan try play Fortnite with Frosty but Frosty get drunk instead and die quick. AJ tell Juan he no play Fortnite because it is stupid game so Juan have nobody to play with and stuck play with 10 year old gringo who say he have sex with Mi Madre. Juan no know Mi Madre because she leave when Juan 3 year old but Juan very sure gringo child no have sex with her.

Juan also want to know why no talk to Señorita Mallory and ask how she feel. Señor Matt, you assume Señorita Mallory want to date you but you know gringo saying about when you assume. Juan say talk to Señorita Mallory and let her decide who she date. Juan and Javier make mistake think Señorita Sofia want to date them but really she date Dirty Pablo. While you and gringo friend fight over Señorita Mallory maybe she date gringo on football team. You not know unless you ask her. And Señor Matt, you must respect choice no matter what.

Juan no throw away friendship with Javier over woman, you no throw away friendship with Greg over woman Señor Matt. Woman come and go, you come in woman and go too. One woman no matter, you meet many woman and date them instead. You also have good Fortnite partner so that is good too. Best friend and Fortnite more important than sex with Señorita Mallory. You must do right thing Señor Matt and be good friend to Greg and Señorita Mallory too. Maybe one day Greg move far away and then you go out with Señorita Mallory but until then you must be good friend.

Best of luck to you, amigo.

Do you have a problem and need Señor Juan’s advice? Drop Juan a line at [email protected], or leave him a comment below!

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By Señor Juan

AJ’s oldest friend and AJnet’s resident advice columnist, Señor Juan has been an AJnet Staff member since 2008, when AJ first hired him to pose for a picture and slash a neighbor’s tires. Since then Juan has been a valued member of the team, earning his American citizenship, piloting the AJnet Huey, and keeping Frosty from getting too carried away. His soothing stories, alleviating anecdotes, and ability to smile in even the most perilous of situations help others find the reassurance they need during troubling and trying times.