The Brittney Griner/Merchant of Death trade was hands-down the worst trade of 2022.
Am I the only one wondering why anyone would think it was a good idea to release notorious arms dealer Viktor “The Merchant of Death” Bout in exchange for some worthless pothead WNBA player? Whoever thought this trade was a good idea was obviously high on something themselves.
Seriously Biden, I know you barely know where you’re at half the time, but why’d you do it? Why’d you agree to release a man responsible for supplying arms to enemies of the United States in exchange for a fucking female basketball player who got busted smuggling drugs into Russia?
I can picture how this trade probably went down:
President Joe Biden is sitting at his desk staring vacantly into space (like usual) when his foreign policy advisor enters the room.
Advisor: Mr. President, the Russians have WNBA player Brittney Griner. They’re offering to give her back to us in exchange for Viktor Bout, the “Merchant of Death”.
Biden: A basketball trade, eh? I was something of a basketball guy myself back in my day you know…
Advisor: No sir, it’s a prisoner sw-
Biden: Alright, so the other guys want this Merchant of Death fella, and we get this Brittney guy.
Advisor: Mr. President, Brittney Griner is a wo-
Biden: These negroes and their crazy nicknames. “Merchant of Death” huh? Back in my day athletes had nicknames like “Sultan of Swat” and “Joltin’ Joe”. And the other fella’s named Brittney, like a girl’s name! How times have changed!
Advisor: No, sir, you don’t understand, it’s not a sports trade, it’s-
Biden: You know what, the hell with it, I say we take the trade! Brittney sounds like a promising young man, we can expect great things from him!
Advisor: *sigh* Yes Mr. President, I’ll let the Russians know we accept.
Biden: Russian? No, give me ranch.
Advisor: Right away Mr. President.
Biden: Now where’s the chief usher’s 10 year old niece at? I wonder what kind of shampoo she uses…
Advisor: This senile fucking idiot, I swear…
Meanwhile in Russia…
That’s the only way I can picture this exchange making even one iota of sense in Biden’s dementia-ridden mind. The guy has no idea what planet he’s even on (sorry Elon, looks like Joe Biden may have beat you to Mars), so it’s no stretch to assume that he thought this was some kind of sports trade and approved it without question.
Who honestly gives a fuck about the WNBA anyway? I didn’t even know this shit was still around. When’s the last time you heard someone talk about women’s basketball? The last time I gave a thought about women’s basketball was when I was a 9 year old boy reading Sports Illustrated for Kids and they had an interview with Lisa Leslie (the only female basketball player whose name I’ve ever known). I guarantee nobody in America even knew who Brittney Griner was until her name popped up in the news after she was arrested trying to bring cannabis oil into Russia, and calling her a “WNBA star” is an oxymoron because there are no WNBA stars since nobody gives a Krispy Kreme fuck about the WNBA.
So this bitch knowingly breaks the laws of a foreign country by attempting to smuggle drugs in, and we’re expected to feel sorry for her? No, fuck that, we should have let this cunt rot in a forced labor camp for her stupidity. I get that Russia was purposely bringing the hammer down out of spite for the US, I get that hard labor is an excessive punishment for trying to smuggle cannabis oil into the country (even if “pot culture” is fucking stupid), I’m not arguing against those facts. I just want to know why I should feel sorry for someone who not only willingly went to a country that’s hostile towards Americans, but also attempted to bring in substances that are illegal in that country. Brittney Griner is no better than the retarded Christian missionaries who visit North Korea and attempt to “spread the good word” even though they know how severe the consequences will be if they get caught. I have zero sympathy for those idiots, and I have no sympathy for this stupid bitch either.
This is the part where virtue-signaling white suburban assholes will accuse me of being racist and sexist, and tell me that I’m only saying this because Brittney Griner is a black woman. You dipshits can kindly go fuck yourselves, her race and gender have nothing to do with any of this. If the Russians did this to Michael Jordan or Venus and Serena Williams I’d be demanding that we vaporize the Kremlin, or at least send in SEAL Team Six or Delta Force to free them. Unlike MJ or the Williams sisters, Griner is a nobody. Until Brittney Griner is the NBA’s GOAT (LeBron is overrated) or one of the Nubian queens of tennis, Putin can fucking keep her. Nobody cares about the WNBA, it hasn’t turned a profit in 25 years and is basically kept on life support by the NBA because “muh wiminz rites” or whatever. Consider the fact that most of you reading this have never met a woman who cares about the WNBA. And if that’s not enough, consider the fact that you may be fucking retarded if you think Brittney Griner or any WNBA player is more relevant than a former US Marine.
While it’s obviously too late to fix this travesty of a trade, this would have played out completely differently if I were president.
As harsh as I was on Brittney, the truth is we can’t just abandon an American citizen in Russia, even if they are a worthless fucktarded drug addict. Once I got Paul Whelan out of there through shrewd negotiation (“Let him go or we’re sending in Liam Neeson”), I’d turn my attention to taking Brittney’s case. We can’t give up Viktor Bout, and I’ll make sure Russia knows this right off the bat. Instead, I’ll propose an alternate trade. Instead of giving Russia Viktor Bout in exchange for Brittney Griner, we’ll send them NBA player Ben Simmons. I’d say that’s a pretty fair trade. Basketball player for basketball player, neither of which are worth a damn. And the Russians are making out great on this trade in terms of security. At 6’9 and 205 lbs, Brittney Griner is a fucking giant:
She’s like twice the size of her guards. She could easily overpower any of them, take their weapons, and wreak havoc upon her captors. Ben Simmons would definitely be a safer choice to keep as a prisoner. While he’s slightly bigger than Brittney at 6’10 and 240 lbs, anyone who watched the 76ers last season knows that even if Ben Simmons did manage to overpower a guard and take their weapon, he doesn’t shoot.
Seriously, I’m embarrassed to be an American right now. We’ll release an arms dealer that sold weapons to the Taliban and al-Qaeda to secure the release of some stupid basketball playing stoner bitch, but we’ll leave a former US Marine behind? Fuck anybody and everybody who had a part in facilitating this trade, you people can go drown in a sea of dicks. Viktor Bout may be the Merchant of Death, but Joe Biden is the Merchant of Dumb.
But hey, maybe now the WNBA will turn a profit, so I guess there’s that?
Señor Juan