Here at AJnet, we’re closely monitoring the COVID-19 situation and working tirelessly to continue to make new content during this trying time.
Seeing as every other company has released a statement regarding their policy on the coronavirus, I feel it is only right that I do too. I’m not joking, my inboxes are inundated with emails from every company I’ve ever done business with in the last 20 years regarding their policies:
I’ve perma-deleted a lot of other ones, these are just the ones I had on-hand when I decided to write this. For God’s sake, CLOUDFLARE is emailing me their COVID-19 policy. What, are my DNS settings going to suddenly catch the ‘Rona and start infecting visitors to this site?
I want to fit in with the cool kids too, I want AJnet to be like the big boys up there, so keeping with that I want to share with you the steps AngryJerk.net is taking to deal with the Coronavirus Crisis.
First, now is as good a time as ever to plug the latest episode of my podcast, where I talk about the Coronavirus. Go give it a listen, it’s my shortest one yet, you have no excuse not to. It’s not like you can go outside, I have you trapped.
Next, I want to talk about layoffs within the company.
While my medical supply-related job falls under Philadelphia’s huge “Essential” umbrella, right alongside other extremely vital businesses like papi stores that totally aren’t drug fronts, Korean nail salons, and barber shops, it turns out the company is losing money and had to lay me off for a little bit. I will be fine financially, I’m not a dummy who doesn’t prepare for these things. I have been thoroughly reassured that I will be called to return once this coronavirus business blows over, and I know I’m not being lied to because I rock house at my job all day every day. As I don’t have a job to go to for the time being, this may or may not mean an influx of new content for the site. It honestly depends on how drunk and/or lazy I am. I will either make absolutely no new content, or I will make new content to the point of annoyance. No in-betweens. I did however stock up on plenty of booze, and Roger Wilco is directly across the Tacony-Palmyra Bridge, so the alco-river will not run dry in this house. If I’m drunk, bored, and stuck inside, there is a good chance more content will come.
Moving on, let’s discuss AJnet’s cleanliness and disinfection policy.
I shower every day, so I’m pretty clean. As far as disinfection goes, I mentioned that I have an array of alcoholic beverages which I consume regularly. The ‘Rona can’t infect me if my blood is at minimum 70-proof.
AJnet has also taken this opportunity to purchase 71 shares of stock in Boeing at around $100 a pop. Before all this virus BS, they peaked at close to $400 each. Once things blow over within a year and everyone realizes that they shut the entire planet down over a slightly deadlier version of the flu
that was made in a Chinese lab and accidentally released because the Chinese government has no standards and doesn’t give a fuck about human lives, stocks will bounce right back up and I’ll have close to enough for a down payment on an actual house. That means no more late-night welfare firecracker cabanas or vatos driving around all hours of the day and night blasting Puerto Rican gangsta rap. I might buy a nice house in New Jersey, fuck this city and fuck its dumbass mayor who wants to spend my tax dollars on building places for junkies to shoot up heroin or on a DA that refuses to prosecute anyone. Take your soda tax and shove it up your ass Mayor Kenney, I’m spending as much of my money as possible in New Jersey.
Here at AJnet, we pride ourselves in remaining open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year (unless it’s a leap year). As this virus continues to spread, we will continue to operate on our 24/7/365 schedule. This is a website, dummy. We don’t need to close for shit. In fact, the more other things that are closed the better. Let those idiots close, everyone can come on over to AJnet to have all their entertainment needs met. My Twitter page will also remain open, so feel free to hit me up on there for a good time, non-sexual of course. Unless you’re a hot chick, or at least a 6/10. Fat chicks need not apply, unless you’ve got a ghetto booty. Don’t tell my girlfriend though.
Okay, who told my girlfriend? I haven’t even published this yet and she’s texting me asking about it. I see we’ve got a snitch. Where I come from snitches don’t get stitches, they get found face-down in ditches.
AJnet also recognizes the importance of exercise to maintain good health during this crisis. I will continue to lift weights regularly, once my lower back and trapezius heal. I pulled both of them in my sleep. That’s some military-grade bullshit. If I sleep on my right side, I pull my trapezius. If I sleep on my left side, it aggravates the slight tear I have in my deltoid. If I sleep on my stomach, I throw my lower back out. If I try to sleep on my back, I don’t sleep. I’m boned no matter what here, this blows.
This whole article is stupid and pointless. But not as stupid and pointless as the 80 gorillion emails I’m getting from every single company I ever thought about doing business with sharing their coronavirus policy. The Cloudflare one gets me the most. Seriously, what the fuck? Does anybody REALLY need to know what Cloudflare is doing about the coronavirus? There are only three things that are certain in life: Death, taxes, and the fact that nobody will ever physically visit wherever Cloudflare keeps their servers. And the Police and Fire Federal Credit Union emailing me like every other day? This is clown shoes man.
Anyway, if you’ll excuse me I have to drink more beer to make room in my fridge for the beer I’m buying tomorrow. Yuengling is great, but I need more Heineken and Labatt Blue. But you know what I need less of? Stupid ass emails from large companies acting like they actually care about the coronavirus.
UPDATE: Got my booze, let’s do this: