I’ve always been a fan of trash-picking and dumpster diving. I even wrote a guide to it back in the earliest years of the website.
In said guide, I included this bit:
“7. Trash picking food is nasty
There are a surprising amount of trash pickers and dumpster divers who will take canned goods or other unopened non-perishables that they find. They defend this with logic like “If it’s not expired and it’s not open, I won’t get sick.” The only valid excuse for doing this is if you’re homeless and starving to death. Otherwise, it’s just nasty.“
12 years later, I discovered a subreddit dedicated to dumpster diving, r/DumpsterDiving. I got excited, thinking I was going to see people posting awesome scores or sharing info about the best retail store dumpsters to raid. Instead, I got let down.
90% of the posts on r/DumpsterDiving are from dirty disgusting people raiding supermarket dumpsters for thrown-out food. For every one post of someone’s awesome haul, there were nine more from dirtballs sharing the latest thrown-out food they found. There were even posters bragging about how they went out trash-picking food with their girlfriends. Not only are there guys disgusting enough to eat food they found in dumpsters, but there are women actually willing to date these guys and join them in eating dumpster food? Don’t forget to dig some condoms and birth control pills out of the dumpster so you don’t make any babies, you guys would probably feed them dumpster food too.
Seriously, how come it feels like everyone else has girlfriends that indulge in their stupid hobbies with them, but I can’t get mine to do much more than sit around watching TV? These motherfuckers are out there picking food from the trash with their girls, and I’m over here forced to sit in front of the TV bored out of my mind while my girlfriend talks about the latest episode of Dr. Pimple Popper. By no means am I complaining that my girlfriend won’t go dumpster diving for food, I’m just feeling salty that these disgusting losers found women who will indulge in their hobbies and passions with them while I’m dating someone who considers watching TV a hobby. That legit feels like a kick in the dick.
There’s a name for these dumpster food scavengers, aside from “Fucking Scuzzball”. They call themselves Freegans. Because vegans weren’t already bad enough, they somehow found a way to become even worse. Only a vegan would be arrogant enough to think that it’s not only okay to eat food that they found in a dumpster, but it’s acceptable to take pictures of it and brag about it. You posted that picture from your iPhone 11, you have no reason to be eating food out of the trash. Yes I’m aware that not all freegans are true vegans. I’m also aware, however, that you can go fuck yourself.
I wish it was freegans in the helicopter and not Kobe and those other people who weren’t Kobe but still shouldn’t have died. Every time I shoot a piece of trash into a trashcan like it’s a basketball and I make it I hereby dedicate it to Kobe and everyone else on the helicopter. If it’s food though I don’t want some dirty ass freegan trying to eat it.
As I said in the other article, they defend this disgusting practice by saying that the stuff isn’t open or visibly damaged so it’s fine, or that the expiration date doesn’t really mean it’s bad. As someone who worked in a grocery store for 9 years and was food safety certified, it is very true that expiration dates are only guidelines to tell stores when to pull stock from shelves and that certain products can last well beyond their stated expiration dates. However, it’s also very true that picking food from the dumpster is grody, and people who do it are dirty disgusting subhumans. Doubleplus so when it’s fruits and vegetables.
I can almost kind of sort of give someone a pass for picking unopened canned goods or sealed bags of chips, but produce? Picking perishables from the trash is a great way to ensure you get sick. Guess what you dirty dickheads? Pathogens often don’t affect taste, smell, or texture. Just because you don’t see mold doesn’t mean there isn’t some pathogen hiding inside the fruit just waiting to get you sick. Rats, mice, homeless people, and other animals piss and shit in that dumpster. You won’t be able to wash away listeria or e. coli when it’s permeated the surface of your trash-picked food and had a free-for-all fuckfest, doubling every 20 minutes. You have no idea how long or in what conditions that food was being held before it made it out to the dumpster. One store realized some dirty freegan subhuman was looting food from their dumpster, and put a padlock on it. This guy should be thanking Aldis for saving his life from listeria, but instead he’s whining on Reddit like an ungrateful little chode about how he was cut off from his free dumpster buffet. Fine then, get sick from eating dumpster food like a dumbass.
Freegans are disgusting, I wish they would all take a vacation to Wuhan. Or Hell.
Hailing from the fine village of Northeast Philadelphia, AJ has been creating content on the internet for over 15 years. None of it has really been funny or entertaining, but he keeps trying anyway. Maybe he's bored, maybe he's drunk, maybe he's both.