Going postal

Today I went to the post office.

All I had to do was mail a small package to a friend. That’s it. Sounds simple enough, right? WRONG.

Upon entering, I was greeted by a line of 7 people, with one lone man working the counter. Typical of my location, and many others I’m sure. I took my place in line, and waited. And waited. And waited.

While I was waiting, more patrons came in and got behind me. A middle-aged woman got in line directly behind me, and immediately began huffing and puffing. “Can he move any slower?” “I guess the other person working the counter got lost back there.” “Unbelieveable!” This was after she had waited in line a staggering 3 minutes. Jesus Christ, you impatient bitch. With all the huffing and puffing she was doing, I was worried that she might flood the room with the carbon dioxide emitted by her breathing. This bitch was becoming a top contributor to global warming, right after Al Gore and his bullshit. I’ve never fancied myself much of a hero, but I was prepared to premptively save the world from another Great Deluge by putting an end to this foul wench and her incessant whining. As I readied myself to turn around and slam her head through one of the counters, she muttered something about coming back another time and left. For the purpose of this article, I’m the kind of guy who believes that the best way to win a war is to not have to fight it, so her departure was a relief.

I continued my tedious wait in line. 10 minutes had passed since I entered, and I now had 5 people ahead of me. I was going nowhere. And to make matters worse, a kid in front of me had pinched off a load in his pants. Now I was standing down-wind from the smell of shit.

I pulled out my cellphone and began to play Angry Birds (which I’m ashamed to admit is pretty addictive). As I was lining up my bomb bird to take out 3 of those fat fuck pigs with the red moustaches in one go, my focus was broken by a loud “GUFAWHAWHAWHAWHAW!”. I turned around to see some obnoxious thug hooting away loudly on his cellphone. There are few noises in this world worse than that of a ghetto piece of shit laughing. Giving up at Angry Birds, I put my phone away and looked gloomily at the line ahead. 4 people remaining. I looked behind me. Mr. Thuglyf4eva was still laughing away on his cellphone, occasionally making that unintelligible noise “gangstas” make when verbally communicating with each other and attempting to verbally communicate with us civilized folk. I wish I spoke his language, because whatever he was talking about must have been hella-funny and I could have used a good laugh at the moment. Resisting the urge to turn around and shove the phone up his ass, I decided to read the various notices and posters on the walls around me.

The line moved up again. 2 people to go until it was my turn. I should stop here for a moment to say that the guy behind the counter was doing his best, and I can’t really place any fault on him. From what I could understand, his coworker was on her lunch break. Hey, everyone deserves a lunch break, even employees of an ineffective government bureaucracy. Still, I had been waiting for 20 minutes smelling shit and listening to some sub-human asshole laughing non-stop and babbling about God-knows-what. My patience was wearing thin. I had expected a wait, but not like this. I had been presented with a vision of Hell. Hell is a never-ending line with pants-crapping children in front of you, and loud ignorant ghetto pieces of shit behind you, spiced with whiny old hags who won’t shut up.

I reviewed all of the decisions I made in life. Habitually cursing out my mother. Acting like a self-entitled prick during my teenage years. Running off with some asshole’s wife. Starting this website. Surely I was fucked, damned to an eternity of what I had experienced for the past 20 minutes. But was it really too late? Maybe if I changed my ways, God would afford me mercy and spare me this torture.

I began to plan out my repentance, thinking of good deeds I could do to redeem myself in the eyes of the Lord. The first and easiest one would be to delete this blasphemous website. Yes, it would be a pity to say good-bye to almost 5 years of writing, but sacrifices are required in order to ensure salvation.

Suddenly, I heard a voice.

“Next!”

I looked, and behold, the voice was beckoning me! I gleefully ran to the desk, and gave the man my package, which wasn’t nearly as gay as that sounded. I gladly paid the fee of $3.41 to ship my friend her now-virus-free laptop hard drive. I wished the clerk a good day, and skipped joyfully out the door onto the street, much to the confusion of the remaining people in line.

I thought about the half-hour that I spent in line at the post office. I reflected on the spiritual journey I had undertaken, and my desire to repent for the sins I committed throughout my life. I then laughed loudly and said “Fuck that shit!”, before heading home to jerk off and be unproductive.

Damn it feels good to be a gangsta.