AJ makes a Four Horsemen. Drunkeness ensues.
Angry_Jerk
I haven’t been updating much. I’d like to say that I’ve been doing something worthwhile with my time, but I’d be lying (okay, I guess working full-time and doing yardwork is worthwhile, technically, sort of). In reality, what I’ve been doing with most of my free time is getting Shrek’d:
AngryJerk.net supports our Ogrelord. SHREK IS LOVE, SHREK IS LIFE.
Nah, that’s not my only beer glass. In fact, I have an absurdly large collection, so much that I need to get a china cabinet at some point down the line to hold them all. Can you believe most places want $200+ for one of those things? What do we say to that, kids? Fuck that!
Anyway, during my drunken shennanigans, Rotten Tom and myself decided to attempt to recreate the notorious “Four Horsemen of the Apocolypse”, which one of our other friends bought for Tom one night at the bar. Traditionally, a Four Horsemen consists of Jack Daniels, Johnny Walker, Jim Beam, and Jameson. Basically it’s four whiskeys that all begin with the letter J. Señor Juan insisted that Jose Cuervo is in it too, but after reminding him we weren’t piss poor Mexicans he fucked off back to his Corona.
So me and Rotten Tom went to recreate this drink, which is nowhere near as awesome as the Abomination of Desolation but still good. After discovering that my drunk ass forgot to buy the Jim Beam earlier, I decided that of all the things from my massive liquor collection Fireball Whiskey was the best substitute. Then we ran into our next problem: We couldn’t remember how much alcohol to use. So we gave it the ol’ 9/11 and decided to wing it (on a side note, if this isn’t already a widespread saying it needs to be ASAP; Get on it, readers).
And by “wing it”, I mean we put in an entire shot of each liquor. That’s four full shots mixed into one glass to be taken as a single mega-shot.
We mixed our mega-shots. Rotten Tom suggested we draw cigarettes to see who would go first. Since I have this rare condition that’s called “Not being a total fucking pussy ass lightweight”, I simply went first. I pounded down my quadruple shot like it was water.
Then came Rotten Tom’s turn. I watched and I waited, but Rotten Tom did not follow my lead. After a whole ten seconds of waiting, I demanded an explanation for his faggotry. “Oh that’s right, they actually made these in double-shot glasses!” Indeed, he was right. This was meant to be taken as a double-shot, not a quadruple-shot. But seeing as I had already taken my mega-shot, this fat fuck wasn’t going to weasle his way out of doing what I had so ignorantly (but still awesomely) done. Putting on my best Jesse Pinkman voice, I said to Rotten Tom “Take the fucking shot, bitch!” Reluctantly, my fat faggot lightweight friend took his mega-shot. He simpered and cried like a fucking pussy, but he managed to choke it down. Afterwards, he promptly demanded the comfort of a large black tranny dick in his mouth. And his ass.
Ten beers and three shots later, Rotten Tom recorded me making death threats directed at fake amateur porn sites like Fake Taxi, where I drunkenly drew my Kabar knife from its holster and slashed my finger open to a point where it kept bleeding well into the next day. I didn’t get stitches, because stitches are for bitch niggas. Said video was locked away in a CIA vault, coincidentially the same one containing the footage of what actually happened to JFK (SPOILER ALERT: JFK’s assassination was actually an elaborate marketing ploy to sell pillbox hats).
To be honest, I’m pretty fucking drunk right now, so my memory of these events may be a wee bit skewed. But probably not. Moral of the story is a Four Horsemen only adds up to a double-shot and not a quadruple shot.
So to recap this article in case you’re a retard with a short attention span, how a normal person makes a Four Horsemen:
The picture doesn’t accurately portray the size of the glass. This is a double shot glass, or at least what they gave me when I asked for a double shot at the bar I stole it from.
How a drunk fucking idiot (that’s me) makes a Four Horsemen:
Yes that’s a chocolate bunny from Easter. Remember how I said before that I sometimes work on articles sporadically over the course of time? This picture is over a month old. It took a lot of time and a lot of booze to finish this shitty half-assed article.
Checkmate, atheists.
You know you’re a 90’s kid when you won’t shut the fuck up about it
I am a 90’s kid.
I grew up watching “Rugrats”, “Street Sharks”, “All That”, “The Amanda Show”, and “Power Rangers”. I collected pogs, played with Z-Bots, and couldn’t take a side in the Console Wars because I loved both my Sega Genesis and my Super Nintendo. I remember being psyched as shit for the live-action Ninja Turtles movie. I had all my favorite movies on VHS, and had the Space Jam soundtrack on cassette tape. The song my 5th grade class sung for graduation? “I Believe I Can Fly”. The day my crush gave me a gimp she made herself, I nearly pissed myself with delight. I used to fight with my mom all the time about not being allowed to watch “Beavis and Butthead”. My first computer was an old Tandy 2000, and I used to spend most of my time on it playing Colossal Cave Adventure and talking to a chatbot named Eliza. My biggest crushes were the Olsen twins, and I secretly enjoyed “The Adventures of Mary-Kate and Ashley” just because of this. Me and my friends would argue about who was a better running back, Emmitt Smith or Barry Sanders (Emmitt Smith). I also remember sitting on my friend’s step blasting “The Ruff Riders Anthem” at 10 AM, and giggleshitting ourselves to death when the sudden gunshots and “TALK IS CHEAP MOTHERFUCKER” came on.
Yes, I remember all of that shit like it was yesterday. This was my childhood, my past. These are memories I will always keep with me throughout my life (granted all the booze doesn’t kill my brain). Unfortunately, we have a very large and very vocal majority of idiots who don’t want to let the past go, preferring to live forever in their childhood memories like a bunch of Toys R’ Us Kids (I also remember the old jingle from the commercials).
Normally I would just ostracize these people as I do with 95% of the pathetic excuses that pass themselves off as people and go about my life, but this is getting out of hand.
We now have legions of assholes who were born at the tail end of the 90’s claiming to be 90’s kids. The halls of Facebook are rife with stupid Millenials claiming to be 90’s kids, then posting memes (straight off of 9gag and Reddit, the two biggest pillars of faggotry on the internet) of shit like “Hey Arnold” and “Catdog”. Yes, technically “Hey Arnold” and “Catdog” were 90’s cartoons since they came out in the late 90’s. Chances are though, most of you grew up watching these shows in the 2000’s. The 00’s. Hmm, did we ever come up with an actual word for that decade? I don’t fucking know. All I know is, if your definitive cartoons for the 90’s were “Hey Arnold”, “Catdog”, and anything else that came after 1997 then chances are you weren’t actually a 90’s kid, so hop off the bandwagon.
Not that the real 90’s kids are any better. You guys weren’t content with letting the past stay in the past, and you want your skewed vision of a “perfect” past to also be the future. Great job on “Girl Meets World”, fellas. It’s really on par with “Boy Meets World”, which was also a festering pile of shit whose only possible saving grace might have been the chick who played Topanga. I can’t wait to see “Fuller House”. Obviously Bob Saget’s forced shock-comic act wasn’t panning out, and the last relevant thing that Dave Coulier did was “Full House”, but I can’t figure out for the life of me why John Stamos would want anything to do with this shit. Et tu, John? All these years I’ve modelled my appearance after you, my idol. But now, I just, I don’t know anymore man.
Let’s be real here people, the 90’s sucked just about as much ass as the 80’s. There’s a reason most of that shit died out. It’s okay to have fond memories of your childhood. It’s okay to reminisce about your favorite toys and games. It’s even okay to download the old cartoons you used to watch as a kid, then get drunk and baked and watch them. It’s not okay to obsess over them to the point where you’re adorning yourself in t-shirts of your favorite cartoons, flooding my Facebook feed with generic “20 things only 90’s kids will understand!” links from BuzzFeed, and demanding remakes, reboots, and sequels of your favorite 90’s movies and TV shows. Faggots like you are what’s causing our culture to become stagnant. By 2030 we’re going to be caught in a perpetual cycle of being completely reliant on the fads of the previous generation, spewing out the same rehashed garbage over and over.
Maybe it’s time to start over.
Exploit the system, reboot the world.