Here are some things I would do if I could time travel.
1. Fuck Grace Slick when she was 20. Come on, you really didn’t expect this to be the first thing on the list?
2. Recruit a large army of Spartans and train them in modern warfare, then have them conquer the entire ancient world in the name of the mighty Phoenix King.
3. Master the guitar, then go to Woodstock and challenge Darby Slick to a guitar battle, which I’d win with no problem by playing the riffs from “The Trooper” and “Hangar 18”. Then I’d play “Aces High” for the crowd right before my army of Spartans flies over in a fleet of high-tech bombers and kills all of the dirty hippy scum. Except for Grace Slick. She’d be spared and probably cream her panties at my awesome power.
4. Go back to Ancient Egypt to see whether or not they really did have contact with aliens, then come back and tell Erich von Daniken that he was wrong regardless of the actual answer just to watch him have a breakdown at the fact that everything he ever believed was a lie. Serves him right for being a huge faggot.
5. Inform William Shakespeare that Ludacris has plagiarized his greatest work, “Move Bitch”, and bring him to our time so he can bust a cap in that bitch ass nigga.
6. Impregnate the Virgin Mary just to piss off God.
7. Visit important historic events all throughout history wearing a black suit, fedora, and sun glasses. After making sure my presence is noted, I’ll return to our time to mock the incredibly stupid explanations for my presence in paintings and photographs by conspiracy theorists and skeptics alike.
8. Get a blowjob from Cleopatra.
9. Convince US President James Polk to annex not only Mexico, but all of Latin America, then teach the American army the Soviet March from Command and Conquer Red Alert 3 and have them goose-step their way to victory, taking care of illegal immigration over a hundred years before it becomes a real problem.
10. Travel to the year 2036 with no other intention than to tell John Titor that he’s a humongous faggot. Just kidding, John Titor was a fraud.
11. Give Grace Slick the lyrics to Pat Benatar’s greatest hits, then get annoyed when they don’t do as well as they did with Benatar’s vocals. This would probably result in someone’s death, most likely Darby Slick. I’d kill him using the telekinetic powers I obtained from the aliens in Ancient Egypt. He would suffer dearly beforehand.
12. Chill with Genghis Khan, maybe grab a few brewskis, eat some wings, shoot some pool, kill some Chinamen.
13. Bring Martin Luther King Jr. to modern-day North Philadelphia, then return him to his time. Instead of being assassinated while campaigning for equality, his death will be a suicide, brought on by the horrific visions of black America’s self-inflicted future misery.
14. Utilizing a bunch of performers from ancient Greece, introduce Vlad the Impaler to the “Time Warp” from the Rocky Horror Picture Show. The troupe will most likely be brutally massacred as soon as they start attempting to perform “Sweet Transvestite from Transexual Transylvania”.
15. Convince the Allies to not issue the Potsdam Declaration, and instead wipe Japan from the face of the Earth.
16. Give nukes to the Crusaders as part of a social experiment.
17. Send some Crips and Bloods to the Civil War-era South and see what happens.
18. Visit Nostradamus and kick his ass until he stops speaking in riddles and tells us straightforward what the fuck his visions are.
19. Bring the enchanting melodies of Nightwish to the deprived masses of Medieval England.
20. Drop the dime on Judas’s plan before he can betray Jesus for 30 pieces of silver, thus changing the precedent that guided Jews for the next two millennia.