It’s the end of the world as we know it

As Hollywood has made everyone painfully aware of, the Mayan Long Count calendar ends on December 21, 2012 (actually, only the 13th cycle of it does. But that goes against the purpose of this article, so let’s ignore that), and with it the world. I don’t normally place a lot of stock in this New Age bullshit, but with the increasing abundance of earthquakes, hurricanes, and shitty James Cameron movies, it appears that we might indeed be heading for some turbulent times.

Because I have a God Complex, I felt that it was my duty to uncover the truth and save the human race from extinction. After many sleepless nights of scientific research and the thorough analysis of many scholarly works, I have discovered exactly when and how the world will end. I warn you, what you are about to read is not for the light-hearted.

Now, Hollywood has deceived us into believing that December 21, 2012 will be the last day ever. This is entirely incorrect, and this myth needs to stop being propagated. No, December 21, 2012 marks the rise of the Antichrist, and the beginning of the end.

I hear people throwing out haphazard speculations about the identity of the Antichrist. Commonly accused people are Barack Obama, Vladimir Putin, Osama bin Laden, and the president of Iran. Have any of these idiots even read the Bible? The Antichrist is supposed to rise from obscurity and be universally loved by everyone. While one might be able to put forth a fair argument that each of the aforementioned people rose to the world stage from obscurity, anyone would agree that they are NOT universally loved by everyone, which disqualifies them from being the Antichrist. However, by studying Biblical code, I was able to deduce the identity of the Antichrist:

Frank Mcintire

Hailing from Fresno, California, Frank looks like a pretty agreeable guy, right? I know I’d probably have a few drinks with Frank. I found Frank on MySpace at MySpace.com/349301943 (EDIT 1/12/17: Now belongs to some Mexican. Looks like I’ve got Frank on the run.). At first this sequence of numbers seems completely random and meaningless, but observe:

349 + 301 = 650

650 + 9 = 659

659 + 4 = 663

663 + 3 = 666!

Six hundred and sixty-six, the Number of the Beast. BUSTED! Looks like your secret’s out, Frankie-boy:

I’m sure the Deceiver of Man won’t readily confess to his malificent conspiracy, but I wanted to let him know that he shall not go unopposed.

My fellow children of God, we must stand together throughout the Great Tribulation. It is only through our love of Jesus Christ that we may persevere through the turbulent waters ahead. The wrath of the Beast is coming.

Or maybe you idiots have completely misconstrued the Mayan calendar and overlooked the fact that December 21, 2012 only signifies the end of an age and the beginning of a new one.