In late 2006, I made my own e-book, titled “The Chronicles of Angry_Jerk”.
In the years before this site existed, I had another website. It wasn’t much, just a shitty free template-based Tripod site. This site, the precursor to AJnet, had a name that I cannot mention on this site without doxxing myself. For the purposes of this article though, I’ll be referring to it as “AJnet Tripod”.
AJnet Tripod had a surprising amount of traffic for what it was, mostly thanks to my tendency to post at various forums across the internet and include the site in my profile. I don’t know why anybody even bothered to read the shit I wrote let alone actually like it, but for some reason they did, so I was motivated to keep churning out article after article of the most inane and stupid half-cocked crap that was just barely one step above what you’d find on LiveJournal (or Tumblr if you were born after 2001). Internet rant sites were debatably at the height of their popularity and the internet hadn’t really become commercialized yet, thus my goal at the time was to promote the hell out of my crappy little site and surpass both Maddox and Thilo, my two biggest idols at the time (I’d later surpass Thilo in 2011).
One of the things I did to attempt to promote AJnet Tripod was release an e-book, titled “The Chronicles of Angry_Jerk”. In 2006 e-books weren’t anywhere near as common as they are now, so I hoped that by releasing a free e-book for my readers to circulate it might bring in even more readers. The e-book contained a mix of articles from AJnet Tripod and new stuff I wrote specifically for the e-book. In today’s trip into the AJnet Archives, I’ll be reposting these articles. This is gonna be a long one, I’m basically republishing 14 entire articles in one, so buckle up buckaroos.
This is what the e-book’s “cover” page looked like:
Longtime readers of this site will recognize the red-on-black motif that I would use for the first couple of years in the site’s history.
If you’re wondering about the three girls on the side, the first one is my at-the-time ex, and the other two are her friends. What made this kind of funny was the quote from Jamie (the second one) is the only one that was actually real. I got into an argument with Jamie over AOL Instant Messenger, and she said, verbatim, “ur just an idiot who cant type 4 shyt”. I don’t remember what I originally said to her that made her say that, but I remember that the irony of her words was completely lost on her, and to really hammer that point home I included her and her words in this e-book.
The content of the e-book itself makes me cringe. Seriously, it’s kind of painful to read. I was around 18 or 19 at the time, I was going through some stuff in my life, and it really shows in my writing.
Here’s the first article in the e-book, titled “A Story I Wrote”:
I got bored today and decided to write a story. Here it is.
Once upon a time, there was a boy named Herman. Herman was a 15 year old boy who was a Christian Emo. He hated his life and wanted to die. He prayed to Jesus every night that he would die. But alas, Jesus would not answer his prayers.
One day, Herman came home from school to find his mom standing at the door. “HERMAN J. COOPER!” his mom yelled at him. “What did I do, mom?” Herman replied. “YOU WERE LOOKING AT NECROPHELIA PORN! YOU ARE GROUNDED FOR A WEEK! GO TO YOUR ROOM!” Dejected, Herman ran up to his room crying.
“I HATE MYSELF! I WANT TO DIE! I’M GOING TO SLIT MY WRISTS!” Herman screamed. “Go ahead, you little crybaby pussy.” Herman’s dad yelled from the next room. Herman raised the razor blade to his wrist, when the room went dark. “What the fuck?!” yelled Herman. “MORTAL!” a voice bellowed. “FEAR ME, FOR I AM THE GREAT AND POWERFUL ANGRY_JERK!” A muscular guy of about 18 stepped out of a portal. He had long brown hair, red eyes, freckles, and one black wing protruding from his back. “Did I hear someone threatening to kill themselves?” “YES!” Herman cried. “Are you the angel of death?” “NO, MORTAL!” Angry_Jerk yelled. “I AM THE ONE WINGED ANGEL! I HAVE COME TO HELP YOU!” “Really? How so?” “Like this!”
BAM!
Angry_Jerk delivered a clothesline to Herman. “I HATE EMOS!” he bellowed. “No, please… no…” Herman pleaded. “YOU WANTED TO DIE! WHAT’S WRONG WITH ME KILLING YOU, YOU LITTLE CRYBABY PUSSY?” Angry_Jerk raised his fist, and drove it right through Herman’s face, ripping a hole not only in Herman, but in the space-time continuum as well. Herman’s 22 year old sister walked into the room. She had a tight pink shirt on, with her nice round breasts pushing out. She had a pair of hip huggers on. “What’s going on in here?” she asked. “Is that… Herman?” She looked over at Angry_Jerk. “You killed my brother! THANK GOD!” She walked over to Angry_Jerk. “Let’s fuck.” she said.
And so Angry_Jerk and Herman’s hot older sister fucked. Angry_Jerk impregnated her with his demon seed. 9 months later, she gave birth to the Anti-Christ.
Like I said, I was going through some stuff. Also I was obsessed with Final Fantasy VII, particularly Sephiroth.
Another strange obsession of mine was giving people clotheslines. I couldn’t tell you where the obsession came from or why I decided to include it in so much of my early writing, but in this next article, titled “Accounts of My Manliness”, I mention giving people clotheslines twice:
People take a look at me, and they think I’m a pussy. This mistake has caused many people injury. Let me tell you about some instances of my manliness.
This one time, I pissed off a member of the Crips. What happened was I had talked shit on his “bitch.” It wasn’t my fault she almost ran me over. I called her a stupid slitch who fucks goats, and her big ass boyfriend steps out of the car trying to mug me as payback. When he asked for the money, I told him to go get fucked in the ass by his tranny girlfriend. He took a swing at me, but I dodged it, and kicked him in the shins with my steel-toed shoes. He told me he was a Crip, to which I laughed at. The next day, five vans full of Crips pulled up next to me while I was walking to work. They got out with AK-47s, TEC-9s, and other shit. They fired at me, but I used my huge nuts to deflect the bullets. Then, while they were gaping in shock at my huge nuts, I used my incredibly large wang to shoot them all. I took out 53 Crips that day. Ever since then, no street gang has had the balls to fuck with me.
Then there was the time a Chinese stealth bomber was spotted heading for Los Angeles, carrying a hydrogen bomb. The government was worried. So they called me up, and asked if I could bring my special weapon. I used my awesomeness to teleport to LA, where the general was waiting for me. I took out my oversized telephone pole of a cock, and shot the plane down. The government decided not to tell people about it, because they would be scared. Not of the Chinese, but of my utterly gargantuan manhood.
Oh, and there was a time where I was out in the woods, and I came across a lumberjack. He was chopping down a tree that my little cousin used for his tree house. I got pissed off, and told him to leave it up. The lumberjack laughed, and told me to get lost. I grabbed him by his collar with one hand, picked him up, and flicked him with my pinky. This caused his skull to fracture. Then, I threw him to the ground, and waited for him to get up. When he got up, I gave him such a hard clothesline, that he went into the air, and hit the space shuttle Columbia, causing it to explode. NASA denies it to this day.
This other time, I signed up for a cage match against the Undertaker, from the WWE. When I entered the ring, he laughed at me, causing the audience to laugh too. I was so pissed off, that I clotheslined him with all my strength. He just simply vanished into thin air, never to be seen again. They even did an episode about it on Unsolved Mysteries.
This entire article was basically just me trying to imitate Maddox and failing miserably. It’s also one of the earliest examples of my tendency to abuse commas (I like to think I’ve gotten better with this; I’ve graduated to abusing parenthesis).
The thing about this article is, it wasn’t an entire fabrication. The story about the Crip was very loosely based on something that actually happened to me. I was walking home from work one day and some lady went speeding down the street and nearly hit me. In anger I screamed “SLOW DOWN BITCH!”. Apparently her boyfriend, a black guy about three times my size, had been working on a car nearby and heard me. He came walking across the street saying “SLOW DOWN WHAT? SLOW DOWN WHAT?”. The lady I yelled at had been his girlfriend. There was no way in hell I was taking this guy in a fight, so I put my hand in my pocket prepared to pull out my box cutter (which would have most likely broken upon contact with the guy; he was huge). The guy noticed this and said “What do you got in your pocket?” I misinterpreted this as him trying to mug me, so I sheepishly told him all I had was a receipt from work. The guy’s friend called over to him and told him to let it go, and the guy let me go with a warning to “Watch what you say to people, you never know who’s listening”. He wasn’t a Crip, there was no real fight, and certainly no retaliatory assault against me by “five vans full of Crips”.
I loved to take small incidents and over-exaggerate them to the point where they were about 95% fiction, it was a hallmark of my early writing.
Another hallmark of my early writing was my intense disdain for the American government and Christian fundamentalists. I was very much against at-the-time President George W. Bush, and I believed he and his government were part of some plot to turn America into a Christian theocracy. Like many 18 year-olds at the time, I was against the 2003 invasion of Iraq. But unlike many 18 year-olds at the time, I had a website, an audience, and a big mouth, so I would constantly channel my political passion into writing stuff like the next article, which was titled “Am I Anti-American?”:
It seems that today there are two groups of Americans: The pro-government Americans, and the anti-government Americans. I guess you would say I fit into the latter of the two.
Because of my strong anti-American government beliefs, people assume I’m just outright anti-American. This is pure bullshit, people. I am not in the least bit anti-American. I only hate the American government. Ironically, these same people who call me anti-American are also Christian fundamentalists, or in layman’s terms, Bible beaters. They tend to use preaching as a method of arguing. These are the ones who if you tell them you don’t believe in “God” (I’m not saying I don’t) will dedicate their life to trying to change your views. If they realize they can’t do that, they then dedicate their life to persecuting you for your beliefs. They whine about how they’re persecuted by scientists. Bull-fucking-shit. To them, persecution is when you prove that something the Bible says is wrong. It’s okay for them to have channels dedicated to their religion, but if a television show airs that features an athiest or something contradictory to their own beliefs, you can bet your sweet ass that the show will be taken off the air within a month due to the overwhelming amout of bullshit mail these fundies send the station that hosts it.
Anyway, back to me being anti-American. Whenever I complain about the government around one of these pro-American Christian fundies, they tell me “If you don’t like this country, then get out.” Why should I get out? If all us “anti-Americans” were to “get out” then that would mean these fundies would be unopposed. To them being unopposed, I say HELL NO. Who’s the real patriot? Is it the morons who blindly obey every order their government gives them? Or is it the people who want real change that will benefit more than just the wealthy? Apparently, it is anti-American to exercise the rights the founding fathers gave us when the Constitution was made. If it’s anti-American to dislike your government, then I guess the founding fathers were the biggest anti-Americans of all, since they pretty much overthrew the British-controlled American government.
I can’t stand people who unquestioningly follow everything their government tells them. I’m willing to wager that if Bush went on TV one day, and gave the following speech, these morons would agree with it:
“My fellow Americans, the time has come for a new American government. In this age of terrorism, we need tighter laws to protect and perserve our freedom. First, we must do away with the Constitution. The Constitution is allowing too many terrorists to get away with planning attacks against America. The following will be the new Bill of Rights:
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- No citizen is to ever question the authority of their great American government. There is a reason we are the leaders, and you are not. Besides, it is un-patriotic.
- All citizens are to accept Jesus Christ as their savior and the son of God. It’s in the Bible, so it must be true.
- All civilian-owned guns MUST be turned in to their local police station at once. In this day and age, it is possible for domestic terrorists to try to overthrow our great government if they are armed.
- The Department of Homeland Security will commission officers to patrol the streets in every city, suburb, and town in America to keep an eye out for terrorists. They may also stop you and search you with little or no cause whatsoever.
- If you are suspected of being a terrorist, you may be held indefinitely without the right to a lawyer or trial by jury.
- If asked to provide evidence that may result in your conviction (If you are a domestic criminal), you must do so promptly.
These are the new principles that shall guide our country to safety and freedom. Failure to abide by them will result in transfer to an anti-American concentration camp. Thank you, and God bless America!”
If anyone bothers to read this site, I’ll probably get hate mail from them. I don’t care. If you waste your time sending me hatemail, then you’re sad. I guess I’ll be even sadder when I reply to it.
In case you’re wondering, yes, I did get hatemail for that article.
“Fundies” were my primary target in 2006, largely due to an incident in high school where I told some kid I was an atheist and he and his buddies bullied me relentlessly over this until I ended up having to go talk to a priest at the local parish and feigned conversion back to Catholicism to get them off my back. Looking back on it, I probably wasn’t bullied so much for being an atheist as I was for being a dick about being an atheist. But looking back at something 20 years later is a lot clearer than looking back at it only two years later, so I didn’t see my own mistakes and assumed that I was being persecuted by “fundies” for my atheism.
The next article, “Upcoming Projects”, teased a bunch of stuff that I never bothered to complete. This would also be a hallmark of my early writing, making grandiose plans that hardly if ever came to fruition.
So people want to know what Angry_Jerk is up to when he’s not at work, pwning n00bs, or masturbating to lesbian porn. Well, you will learn about some of my other projects.
NERDCORE CD
I know I say rap sucks ass, and it does. However, there is ONE type of rap that pwns: Nerd rap. I’m talking shit like YT Cracker, MC Hawking, and MC Frontalot. I was inspired by these artists of awesomeness to make my own nerd rap. I am using the Speakonia Text to Speech program to speak my lyrics (Sorry folks, you won’t get to hear my voice just yet,) and I am going to find beats on the net and remix them in Cool Edit Pro. If I can ever figure out how to work Cakewalk, then I’ll make beats in that.
Anyway, this CD is going to feature hits, like “My Rap Battle with the Pretzel Factory” (Using the actual lyrics from a rap battle I did with a wigger, and won,) and “AJ is a Pimp.” Also included will be “Eminem is t3h Ghey: Angry_Jerk and Pube Muppet Feat,” with the Pube Muppet and me cutting up Eminem.
No, you won’t have to pay to listen. I do this shit for fun, not profit.
[AJ] the Assassin: Rise of the Order
Based on my comic series, “[AJ] the Assassin,” this will be an RPG game, made with RPG Maker 2000.
In this game, you play as [AJ], Ned, Carl, and Sara, who must stop a cult known as the Order of the Serpent from carrying out their acts of terror on America. Levels include Northeast High School, Ft. Brigg, Philadelphia National Airport, Montana fields, and the Temple of Quetzalcoatl in Mexico.
Will you be able to save the country from the wrath of Damien Romanov?
[AJ] the Assassin: The Beginning
Development has not yet begun for this game, but the plot is certain.
You play as [AJ], only, when he was 12 years old. A corporation has decided that people on your street are interfering with their plans, and manages to get an ordinance passed to force all the people on your street to relocate, so they can demolish the street. Learn what made [AJ] become an assassin, and see where he learned his skills from.
Eat at Moe’s
I am currently designing a web comic called “Eat at Moe’s,” which will revolve around the employees of a Jewish deli. This is based on my actual job, like the names are the same, and some actual experiences I had.
Reviews
In the future, I plan to add reviews for things such as TV shows, movies, and possibly restaurants. And when I say “restaurants,” I don’t mean major corporations. I’m talking local independent places. I will also accept contributions from readers.
Angry_Jerk’s Fables
I like to write stories, so I will write short stories, and post them on [AJnet Tripod]. And no, they’re not like that ethnically sensitive, politically correct drivel you read in text books. These are going to be tales of ass-kickery. There will be at least one of the following in each story:
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- People getting their shit ruined by AK-47s or TEC-9s
- Aliens blowing stuff up
- Resistance groups
- People getting nuked
- Morons falling victim to Natural Selection
- Christians and Emos getting persecuted
- Feminists being ruthlessly slain by Vince Vaughn
- Thilo Savage kicking Maddox’s ass
- The Anti-Christ ruling the world
- Script kiddies getting their hard drives fried
- One-winged angels
These stories will be the l33test stories on the net. Nobody will be able to top these.
For some reason, I had absolutely no qualms about not only using my real name (which I’ve replaced throughout the article with “[AJ]”), but telling everyone the place I worked at. This would lead to more than one person over the two years I worked there coming to visit me in-person or calling the restaurant to talk to me. The owner found out about my site, but he actually liked it so I didn’t get in trouble. Him being so cool about my abrasive behavior led to the recurring joke that my boss spoke in l337 speak. You can still see this on AJnet in one of my articles from 2007, “I’m bored”.
Among my many strange obsessions at the time were also TEC-9s and AK-47s. I think this may have had something to do with Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas, but I’m not too certain. Seriously, I did a lot of strange stuff back then, and I can only guess what was going through my mind when I said and did those things.
I’d also later tease [AJ] the Assassin a bunch of times over the years under various names and projects. [AJ] the Assassin was a comic series I started drawing in my freshman year of high school, 2001. The art was only slightly better than a Chris-Chan comic, and the content was heavily inspired by the stuff typically found on the early 2000’s Newgrounds Portal. Maybe one day I’ll talk more about the comics in a future article. I would continue drawing these comics for years, I think I drew the last one in 2006 or 2007. My plan was to eventually turn this shitty comic into a shitty Flash series, or maybe even a legitimate comic book franchise. But I couldn’t draw, so I sure as hell couldn’t animate either. I think the furthest I ever got was a poorly-made 15 second video of [AJ] sniping Vladimir Putin, which was previously attached to and later removed from my 2009 article “To Russia With Hate”. I’d change the name of the series several times and continue refining the concept, and even today I’m still writing stuff for it behind the scenes. I’d like it to see the light of day in some form eventually, but I can’t draw or animate and I’m not about to drop a bunch of money commissioning it. I might turn it into a series of novels or short stories or something.
Moving on, remember that hate boner I said I had for “fundies”? This next one, “Christian Extremists Are Ruining Our Country”, is that hate boner, fully engorged and ready to fuck some “fundies”:
It seems today that I can’t look at the news anymore without hearing about something involving religion. Usually, it’s some Christian group bitching about something considered “controversial” by society, like gay marriages, abortions, pornography, etc. Everywhere you look, you will find something that is being bitched about by a religious group of some sort. Around 85% of the time, it’s a Christian group doing the bitching. The only time I ever hear Jewish groups complaining is when a Nazi vandalizes a Jewish place with swastikas. Ironically enough, most of these Nazis are Christian extremists.
You may be thinking “But AJ, how does this affect our country as a whole?” Well, I am going to show you that.
First, any rant that involves Christians and our government must include the Christian Coalition. Founded by Pat Robertson, this organization specializes in placing Christians in political office. As if we don’t have enough of them running our country already. This is the same Pat Robertson who called for another crusade against the Muslims. He is also known more recently for his comments against the Venezuelan leader Hugo Chavez, stating that the CIA should “take him out.” If Pat Robertson were a race of people, I would rally for their genocide. I know somebody’s gonna tell me “AJ, Pat Robertson IS a race of people. He’s a Christian!” Bullshit. He can’t possibly represent ALL Christians out there. Maybe he represents all the Christian fundies, but not the decent, non-fundamentalist Christians who don’t bitch about things that contradict their beliefs.
Ironically, Pat Robertson contradicts the Bible himself. I must have missed the part where the Bible advocates killing. In fact, I’m pretty sure one of the Ten Commandments says something to the effect of “Thou shall not kill.” Way to go Pat Robertson. You’ve managed to fuck up the word of your god. Let me pat you on the back with my lead pipe.
See, I don’t have to worry about getting sent to Hell for advocating killing. I don’t believe in Heaven or Hell. And come to think of it, from the way the Bible describes their god, I would much rather be sent to Hell. Their god is too cowardly to show his face to anyone. He committed mass murder with the Great Flood. He let his only son be murdered. He tells me to love my worst enemy. He tells us we must honor our parents, even if they’re abusive. He only seems to love the wealthy. He allowed the Backstreet Boys to return. He allowed American Idol to come back again for another season. Judging by all of this, Satan sounds like a hell of a better guy. Satan preaches the following:
Turn not the other cheek, beat them senseless.
Respect only those who respect you.
Think for yourself.
“Turn not the other cheek, beat them senseless.” Those are words to live by! If somebody hits me, the only cheek that’s gonna be turning is theirs when I punch them in the face. This is all assuming Satan is real. The only part of the Bible I really agree with is the part that says “An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth.” If somebody rapes my girlfriend, I chop off their dick. If somebody kills someone intentionally, they get the death penalty.
Back on track, though. Our president, George W. Bush, is the second biggest extremist in the country. I have no doubts that this man thumps the Bible harder than a priest.
First, he tries to force Christianity upon us by attempting to make it illegal to let gays marry. His excuse: “Marriage is defined as a union between a man and a woman.” Great job, numb nuts. You took it word for word out of the Bible. What harm is it going to cause us anyway by allowing gays to marry? Wow, you’re gonna lose out on money with more tax deductions. Heaven forbid you don’t fill your damn pockets with more ill-gotten money, you religious-right jack ass.
Then, he tries to tell women that they can’t get abortions. He says that abortions kill babies. Newsflash: Babies aren’t truly alive until around three months. If some girl gets raped, why should she have to give birth to her rapist’s baby? Does Bush even know the trauma such a thing causes? What if giving birth will kill the mother? Does the mother deserve to die? Now, there should be limitations to abortions. They should NOT be used as a form of birth control. If some dumb bitch gets knocked up because her boyfriend didn’t use a condom, both should have to live with that mistake.
Finally, don’t forget his Supreme Court nominations. I will bet anything that these old dumb asses will overturn Roe vs. Wade, then rule against gay marriages. They should be called “The Council of Christ” instead of the Supreme Court.
I hope Bush chokes on another pretzel. Serves him right. And as for Pat Robertson, I hope he gets shot in the head for all the stupid shit he says. What an honor it would be to be the one to pull the trigger on Robertson!
I was so against President Bush and his perceived Christian fundamentalism that I was determined to stand for the exact opposite of anything that I thought he stood for. He was a Christian? I was a devil-worshipper. He was against abortion? I was pro-abortion.
This is also where I began to touch on the idea of dystheism, something I’d eventually write a full article about years later and a belief I still hold to this day.
I’m really not sure why I latched on to Pat Robertson and attacked him as much as I did, even in 2006 he was already beyond irrelevant, and most Christians didn’t even like him. “What an honor it would be to be the one to pull the trigger on Robertson!”? Yikes.
The next article, “My Crazy Weekend in Western PA”, will give you an idea of the personal problems I was dealing with at the time, and some insight into the root of my anger:
So I visited my Alzheimer’s/Dementia-ridden grandmother in Western Pennsylvania the past weekend. While I was in the area, some wild shit happened.
First, I was on the PA Turnpike from around 10:00 PM until around 1:30 PM. My uncle stopped at one of the rest stops, which had a Burger King. It was around midnight. I went inside to get a double cheeseburger and some fries, because I was starving my ass off. I went up to the counter, and some Asian person was there. I never found out if it was a guy or a girl. Here is the conversation:
Asian thingy: Welcome to Burger King. How may I help you?
Me: (Trying not to crack the fuck up) Hi, I’d like the double cheeseburger meal.
Asian thingy: (Incomprehensible talk)
Me: Come again?
Asian thingy: I see you somewhere before. You have website?
Me: Uh, can I just pay for my meal and go?
Asian thingy: I know you! You Angry_Jerk!
Me: Yeah… How did you guess?
Asian thingy: I read your page every day! It make me crack up!
Me: Brilliant. Now can I please pay for my meal and go?
Asian thingy: Pay? This meal on house for Angry_Jerk!
Me: w00t!
So I got my meal for free from the Asian creature. If you’re reading this, thanks much
Then, after waking up the next morning, I went to breakfast at a restaurant called “King’s.” The waitress was checking me out. Then, I found a phone number under my plate when she put it down. Too bad I don’t live up there, as she was fucking hot. Then, when I left, she made a gesture at me like she was sucking my cock. Thank god my family didn’t see it.
So then we ventured out to an area very close to Pittsburg, where my grandmother was staying in the lockdown part of the hospital. When I saw how different my grandmother was acting, I literally broke down and cried. But some of the patients in the Alzheimer’s/Dementia unit were a trip. There was one who must have been an activist when she was younger. She was talking about protesting against the hospital for something. She mentioned how she should jump out a window, then the hospital would pay attention. I was strongly reminded of myself.
But seriously, Alzheimer’s and Dementia are NOT a joke. I love my grandmother more than my own parents. Seeing her not being able to remember people was only the tip of the iceberg. She was in her own reality. She imagined that her deceased dog was with her. She imagined there were cars and airplanes in the hospital courtyard, which is completely cut off from any road. That shit upsets me.
Back to my comedic style. Afterwards, we went to dinner at a local place, called the Mosey Inn. This hot Mexican chick was our waitress. She knew my grandfather, and asked who we were. He introduced us, and we ate.
Then, I hung out with my 20 year old cousin and her boyfriend. When I first met her boyfriend, he was dorky as shit. Two years later, he’s cool as shit. Maybe I’ve gotten dorkier myself, but it doesn’t matter.
Anyway, we went out, and I got a second dinner, at this place called Dingbats. DO NOT get their chicken quesadilla. They barely put any chicken in it. After that, I went to Walmart and bought a Buck knife. It’s so fucking awesome. We then had ice cream. I was in the place, in line, when three hot chicks came in and got behind me, giggling. I felt something touch my ass, then I heard more giggling. w00t. Their boyfriends then came in and stood with them, giving me dirty looks. I turned around and said “Ce la vie, bitches.” They tried to jump me, but I went Super Saiyan and blew up the Earth.
Okay, I lied about that last part, where I started a fight with the boyfriends. But oh well.
The next day, I went to breakfast at King’s again, visited my grandmother again, saw the activist lady, and cried about my grandmother’s condition. Then, for dinner, we all went to a place called “Eat ‘n Park.” The hot waitress there was extra nice to me. When I went to the bathroom, I passed her, and she was like “Hey sexy. Wanna meet me here at 10 tonight, and we’ll go back to my place?” I almost cried because I couldn’t. However, I went into the bathroom and whacked off. Of course, it was really hard, what with the guy in the next stall taking a mad diarrhea shit. I blew my load, and flicked it over into his stall. The idiot thought it was water dripping from the ceiling.
Then, on the Turnpike ride home, I stopped at a rest stop and took a shit on the floor of the bathroom stall. I wiped my ass, then wiped the shit onto the toilet seat. One of the cleaning guys was in the bathroom, and he went to clean the stall I was in just as I left. I got out the bathroom door, and all I hear was “WHAT THE FUCK!” I bolted out the door after I heard that.
Yup, so that was my weekend.
I was fairly close to my grandmother, and in 2003-2004 it became evident that she had dementia. I was slowly watching someone I loved lose their mind, while dealing with all kinds of other problems at school and home. This put a lot of stress on me, and most likely contributed a lot to my anger and other bad behavior.
This article, which like a lot of my old stuff is a mix of truth and exaggeration, was written after seeing my grandmother for the very last time. It hurt even more because I knew it would be the last time I’d get to see her, my mother told me that was the purpose of this visit, we were there to say our goodbyes to someone who didn’t even know what planet she was on anymore let alone who we were. My mental state wasn’t exactly 100% when I wrote this, but I still managed to churn out some goofy stories about shitting on floors, waitresses hitting on me, and some Asian cashier recognizing me. I’m about 95% sure none of that actually happened, though I did go to those restaurants and I did buy that Buck knife.
The next article, “My Job Sucks”, was another story about my job at a Jewish deli:
Most of you know I work at a Jewish deli. I thought working at a deli meant all the free hoagies I wanted. But what I didn’t realize was that my boss was Jewish. With a name like “Moe’s” I couldn’t figure it out. So of course he charges us for everything. And it doesn’t help much that shit is expensive. All we get is a measley 20% discount, which isn’t much.
If I ran a restaurant, it would be awesome. It would be called “Angry_Jerk’s Place.” All the waitresses and hostesses would be required to take a test. This test would consist mostly of them giving me head and having sex with me. If they were not good at it, they would not be hired.
I would monitor my employees through camera and sound. If someone said “I hate AJ!” all they would hear over the intercom is “That’s not what your wife said.” POW! SHAZAM! I AM THE GREAT ARCHIBALD! I’d have a camera in the women’s changing room too. I’d sit up in my office masturbating all day while listening to Iron Maiden.
If some customer came in bitching about how something wasn’t cooked right, they’d be forced to go into the kitchen and make it themselves, for no pay. PWN3D. Also, our logo would be a Bible being burned. Christians would be out front protesting, and I’d turn on the hose and soak all the hot Christian chicks with white shirts. Of course, I would have to charge people extra to watch.
It would be fucking awesome. Now I have to go to work, then pack for my weekend-long excursion to my grandmother’s in Western PA. Peace out bizatches.
I have no fucking clue where “POW! SHAZAM! I AM THE GREAT ARCHIBALD!” came from, I’m not even going to try to figure that one out.
Sex stuff was also another recurring theme in my writing. I was an 18 year old guy, cut me some slack.
Even though I didn’t always like rap music, I enjoyed writing rap lyrics. The next article was a fictional rap battle between myself and the “wiggers” who worked at the business next door to my work. This was “My Rap Battle with the Pretzel Factory”:
So the other day at work, I was bringing shit out to the dumpsters in the back of the deli, when I saw a bunch of dopes from the Pretzel Factory next door trying to rap battle. They were all wiggers, so I just couldn’t resist harassing them. Here is the transcript of the battles.
(I walk up in the middle of the battle to hear this part)
Wigger 1: I fucked yo mama in da ass
Den I broke her heart like glass
Left tha bitch out on the street
Nigga shut tha fuck up, cuz ya just got beat.
(I laugh)
Wigger 2: What’s so funny, faggot ass bitch?
Me: Your raps suck ass, man.
Wigger 3: Battle me then bitch if you so tough.
Me: I don’t want to embarrass you.
Other wiggers: OOOH!
Wigger 3: Aight, we gonna do dis shit.
Look bitch you a fuckin’ fag
Wearin’ that fuckin’ shirt that look like a rag
Bought that at Salvation Army
And yo gay ass hat is so corny
ACDC is dat a battery?
Neva in ma life have I seen such faggery (ADDED BY AJ: Yes, he actually said “faggery”)
Don’t challenge me, cuz I’m fuckin’ slick
Go back t’ da alley and suck some mo’ dick
No one here can top ma feat
Now step tha fuck down cuz ya just got beat
(All the wiggers cheer. I laugh, then step forward.)
Me: What’s this shit I hear?
Gay ass rhymes coming from a gay ass queer
I can’t believe how bad your lyrics blow
They make me want to slit my wrist like an emo
Don’t fuck with Angry_Jerk, cuz Angry_Jerk don’t play
I pwn dumb ass wiggers like you day to day
I’m the l33test guy on the internet
And an assassin slash bounty hunter like Bobba Fett
You called me a fag, but you know what’s worse than that?
Getting your ass owned in a rap battle by the fag in the corny ass hat
I don’t want to hear another word outta you
Just get back to work with your shit ass hair doo
And for your sake I hope you learned a valuable lesson today
That lesson is don’t fuck with AJ
(All his wigger friends are shocked)
Wigger 1: That shit was tight, dawg!
(He puts his hand out so I can shake it.)
Me: Not in your life, poser.
(I turn around and see my boss standing there, laughing.)
Me: Hey Mitch, what’s up?
Mitch: LOL t3h wiggers got pwn3d by t3h Angry_Jerk! (Yes, my boss actually speaks l33t speak in real life)
(I turn to the wiggers.)
Me: See you fags later.
(I go back inside with my boss.)
Mitch: j00 are getting t3h pay raise for this.
(The hot waitress comes back into the kitchen)
Waitress: Hey [AJ]. I heard you just beat those wiggers in a rap battle.
Me: Yeah.
Waitress: Let’s have sex.
Me: w00t!
And that, my friend, is how l33t the people at Moe’s Deli are.
Like pretty much everything else in this e-book, I have no idea what the hell compelled me to write this crap, and I have no idea why people actually liked it. I guess the bar for writing standards was set pretty low in 2006. This generation today will never understand the rawness and the grittiness of the pre-2010 internet. It really was like the wild west out there.
Another of my many hate boners in 2006 was reality TV. Reality TV was in that weird stage where it was somewhere between being popular and unpopular and people either loved it or they absolutely hated it. Shows like Jersey Shore hadn’t come along yet, but people were watching shows like Big Brother and American Idol. Keeping with my theme of blindly hating anything popular, I wrote an entire article that was meant to be a stab at how fake reality shows were and how stupid the people who watched them were. “Reality Shows You Won’t See on TV” was a list of five hypothetical reality shows that I felt would be better and more realistic than the stuff airing on MTV at the time:
- Real Celebrity Death Match– Wouldn’t itbe awesome to watch the Backstreet Boys and N’Sync kill each other? Or maybe Paris Hilton and Brittany Spears mauling each other with forks? In this show, it’s not just crappy looking clay figures fighting. It’s real celebrities in a real fight to the death. The winner of the fight gets ripped to shreds by a rotweiler. The announcers for the fights are John Madden and everyone’s favorite animated baby, Stewie Griffin. It’ll be the first human-cartoon commentary duo out there.
- Survivor: Trapped in Da Hood– In this version of Survivor, the all-white contestants are trapped in the ghetto of a different city each week. Armed with only their bare hands and $50 cash (all together,) they must survive for one week on the streets while avoiding getting mugged or shot. Special guests include Ben Affleck, Tom Cruise, Justin Timberlake, and the prince of prissiness himself, Clay Aiken.
- Commander in Chief: The Bloopers–This hilarious reality show follows the life of President George W. Bush. Watch as he stumbles on big words (namely any word with more than five letters,) declares war on Middle Eastern countries, pisses on the UN, and almost triggers World War 3. We also get to see what he does every other month when he’s on vacation at his ranch in Crawford, Texas. Also, take a look at what really goes on during those meetings in the White House.
- Jeopardy 3000–In this gruesome version of Jeopardy, host Rob Zombie asks contestants (all of which have an IQ lower than 100, and are not children or mentally ill people) questions which they should be able to answer, but are too absorbed in mainstream pop culture to care about. Every time someone gets an answer wrong, they get a body part cut off. Incidentally, all lost appendages will be used in the filming of Rob Zombie’s “House of a Thousand Corpses 2”. If someone gets an answer right, they get $100, plus one body part sewn back on. Not for those with weak stomachs.
- Grim Reaper: Close and Personal–In this deathly cool reality show, we follow the Grim Reaper as he takes the lives of the people on his list. You never quite know who’s going to die next. Could it be the crackhead down the street? Or the old man next door? Or even one of the camera men? Whoever he goes for, this series is guaranteed to make you terrified for your life.
Too bad the network censors won’t allow anything this awesome to be on TV.
Unironically, most of it still sounds better than most of the crap on Netflix today.
Speaking of TV, one night I was bored and playing with the TV when I found Telemundo, an all-Spanish channel. I was then inspired to write this article, “Telemundo Kicks Ass”:
I was flipping through channels one day, looking for something to watch because all that was on was stupid bullshit reality shows. I finally came across a channel that was in Spanish. On the show was a guy in a sailor outfit singing some song. Then, out of nowhere, a trumpet blows, and some guy in a lion costume comes out and drags the sailor away. It may have been random, but I’ll be damned if it wasn’t funny as shit. When the commercials came on, we were treated to Spanish hip-hop, which I found out inevitably dominates American hip-hop in every way. Some guy named “Daddy Yankee” was dancing around with a big wad of money in his hand. At first you might think that this was going to be just like a typical American hip-hop video. But, it was far from that. He took the wad of money and smacked some dude in the face with it. Then, a bunch of sexy Spanish chicks started shaking their nice asses to the music, singing the chorus. Unfortunately, it was only an advertisement for Daddy Yankee’s CD. I’ve already placed an order for one, because it kicks so much ass.
When the commercial break was over, there was some guy rapping to some song (Probably the bitchin‘ Daddy Yankee CD) with a dude wearing a weird ass mask that looked like a lady with a big nose, big lips, and wide eyes. The mouth was wide open like the person the mask was supposed to be of had just been like “Holy shit, Daddy Yankee is fucking awesome!” Then, some old lady came in and put the masked person over her knees. She pulled out a paddle and spanked the person.
Another kick ass show on Telemundo is “El Cuerpo del Deseo,” which translates to “The Body of Desire.” Now, before you pass this off as a fruity soap opera, listen to what the show is about.
There’s a guy who looks like a bad-ass version of Jesus. I don’t know his name, but I’m sure it’s something bad ass, like Paco or Santos. When he’s not busy grinding with hot Spanish babes in bikinis or nailing his friend’s girlfriend, he’s kicking the shit out of old ladies trying to stab him with a pair of scissors. The reason it’s probably called “The Body of Desire” is because the man is such a bad ass, everyone desires to be in his body.
Telemundo is the best channel out there. All American TV today seems to be is “reality” shows, which are just about as real as your mom’s dildo. I advise all to check out Telemundo. “El Cuerpo del Deseo” comes on almost every day of the week at 8:05 PM. You may not be able to understand what the hell they’re saying, but it’s still cool as shit.
I showed this story to Juan years later and I don’t think I ever saw him laugh harder in my life. He knew what shows I was talking about, he was very familiar in particular with El Cuerpo del Deseo because his sister was obsessed with it. Juan gets a kick out of culture shock, and to this day will still lean into stereotypes for the sole purpose of messing with someone. It’s also why I can’t get him to stop writing in broken and poor English despite the fact that he can write English better than many Americans.
I did buy that Daddy Yankee CD, Barrio Fino. It pissed my parents off, it confused the hell out of my friends, and my father finally had enough of it one day and broke it after I thought it would be funny to suddenly blast it at 2 AM. I deserved it.
I didn’t really like Daddy Yankee all that much, I only bought the CD to fuck with people. The next article, “The Best Music in Existence”, is a more accurate summary of the kind of music I liked:
Some of you may be wondering what kind of music Angry_Jerk listens to. Well, today is your lucky day. I’m going to tell you about some of my favorite songs. So, let’s get to it!
I Ran (So Far Away): Written by an 80’s new wave band, known as “A Flock of Seagulls,” “I Ran” was a HUGE hit back when it was released. Today, it can be found in Grand Theft Auto: Vice City on the radio station “Wave 103.” This song is my favorite song of all time. I am not exaggerating when I say that I can sit and listen to it on repeat 100 times, and not get sick of it at all.
One-Winged Angel: This song was originally found in Final Fantasy 7 for PlayStation. It has also been featured in the CGI movie “Final Fantasy 7: Advent Children.” I prefer the one in Advent Children, as it is metal. This song plays when Cloud fights Sephiroth, who is the most bad ass villain to ever exist. The lyrics are in Latin:
Noli manere, manere in memoria.
Noli manere, manere in memoria.
Sephiroth, Sephiroth.
Saevam iram, iram et dolorem.
Saevam iram, iram et dolorem.
Sephiroth, Sephiroth.
Ferum terrible, ferum fatum.
Noli manere, manere in memoria.
Noli manere, manere in memoria.
Sephiroth, Sephiroth.
Veni, mi fili. Veni, mi fili.
Hic veni, da mihi mortem iterum.
Veni, mi fili. Veni, mi fili.
Hic veni, da mihi…
If you don’t believe it kicks ass, listen to it yourself.
The Number of the Beast: Iron Maiden pwnz. This song is about a Satanic ritual. I played this in front of this die-hard Christian once, and he started damning me to hell. This other time, these wiggers a couple doors down were blasting Eminem, so I brought out my boom box and blasted this song. They got pissed off and went in. Then, there was the time I spray-painted the lyrics to this song on the front of my old high school. It was gone the next morning. The people had to come in extra early to get it off the front of the school so the animals, er, students, that attend that zoo, I mean, school, wouldn’t riot again like they did the time I wrote “Jesus is sucking Satan’s cock in Hell” on the front with a huge pentagram. It was hilarious.
The Assassin: Iron Maiden. The official theme song of [AJ] the Assassin.
The Trooper: Once again, Iron Maiden pwnz. This song really gets you pumped up. It makes you want to go out with an M4 and shoot stuff.
Flight of Icarus: Iron Maiden. ‘Nuff said.
Time of Your Life: I know I’ve said I hate Green Day, because they’re a bunch of wannabe punk rockers, but this song kicks ass, especially when you play it while you’re dumping some chick.
Hot Like Me: I actually hate this song, but I like the way the girls who sing it dance in the video. The Pussy Cat Dolls. They’re fucking hot.
Brown Eyes: This song, by Destiny’s Child, is good because you get to slow dance to it with a hot chick, and she’ll fuck you afterwards. w00t.
R & B Music: This is actually a genre, but fuck you. This music makes any blow job feel 20 times as good as it usually does. It’s worth having putting up with while getting your dick sucked. Trust me.
The Theme from Zelda: The theme song from “The Legend of Zelda” kicks fucking ass. And don’t listen to the one by System of a Down. Their music sucks.
The Super Mario Brothers Theme: Kicks ass, but gets stuck in your head. Worth it though.
The Theme from Goldeneye: One of the best James Bond movies out there, Goldeneye has a kick ass theme song, even though it’s done by Tina Turner.
The A-Team Theme Song: Mr. T kicks ass. That’s why he’s gonna be my vice president.
La Resistance: One of the songs in the South Park Movie.
I like more songs, but I’m too lazy to list any more.
Half this list wasn’t so much songs I actually liked as much as it was songs I associated with other things I liked, namely sex, hot girls, and video games. I’m also not sure what my problem with System of a Down was, I love their music now and I’m kind of sad that we’ll most likely never get another album from them ever again. At least Serj and Daron have went on to have pretty decent solo careers, so we still have that I guess.
And yes, I really did dump a girl while playing “Time of Your Life” on her stereo, the same girl who fucked me after dancing to “Brown Eyes” and blew me while playing R&B music. Not one of my proudest moments.
The article after that, “The Reason Emos are Suicidal”, was also about music:
The other day, I ran into this kid I know who used to be Emo, but changed his ways when he saw me carve “Fuck Emos” into my left arm with a pocket knife in front of his face. He came up to me, and thanked me for helping him realize what a dumb shit he was for being Emo. I was feeling inquisitive that day, so I asked him what exactly caused him to be suicidal. Here is the interview:
Me: So, Dave, my readers would like to know what exactly causes Emos to be suicidal?
Dave: Well, most people think that Emos want to kill themselves because they think their lives are so bad. This is a common misconception. Usually, it starts out that they’re having problems with people, so they want to listen to depressing music, such as Simple Plan or Fall Out Boy. It just gives them that extra boost they need to cry their eyes out, thus lessening the sorrow. Of course, this music becomes addictive, and they want to listen to it all the time. Of course, this music causes people to become sadder. So listening to Emo music all the time would make the person depressed all the time. Emos have a “thirst” that can only be quenched by crying.
Me: Wow, that was a great insight. Thanks Dave.
I couldn’t believe what I heard. Music being the cause of the disease that is Emo? I just had to put this to the test.
I called up my ex-girlfriend, who listens to that garbage, and asked her if I could borrow her Simple Plan CD. She told me to fuck myself, so I called my friend, who also listens to that stuff, and asked her if I could borrow her Simple Plan CD.
I went home, put the CD into my stereo, and turned it on. I was halfway through the first song, when my awesome World War 2 veteran neighbor knocked on the door and told me to turn that garbage off. So I put the CD into my computer, and put on my headphones.
The song was “Untitled.” For those of you not familiar with this kind of drivel, here are the lyrics
I open my eyes
I try to see but I’m blinded by the white light
I can’t remember how
I can’t remember why
I’m lying here tonight
And I can’t stand the pain
And I can’t make it go away
No I can’t stand the pain
How could this happen to me
I made my mistakes
I’ve got no where to run
The night goes on
As I’m fading away
I’m sick of this life
I just wanna scream
How could this happen to me
Everybody’s screaming
I try to make a sound but no one hears me
I’m slipping off the edge
I’m hanging by a thread
I wanna start this over again
So I try to hold onto a time when nothing mattered
And I can’t explain what happened
And I can’t erase the things that I’ve done
No I can’t
How could this happen to me
I made my mistakes
I’ve got no where to run
The night goes on
As I’m fading away
I’m sick of this life
I just wanna scream
How could this happen to me
I made my mistakes
I’ve got no where to run
The night goes on
As I’m fading away
I’m sick of this life
I just wanna scream
How could this happen to me
All of the sudden, I felt this urge to take a razor blade and cut myself. I tried to rip the headphones off, but it was like they were glued to my head. I started to get really depressed. Then, a flood of tears poured down my face. I started to think about how my girlfriend left me when I was 14, how I had no friends, and how my parents grounded me. Thankfully, the guy across the alleyway started blasting Iron Maiden, drowning out even the headphones. The bond that held me was broken! I was free from the shitty music and the spell it held over me! I ripped off the headphones, took the CD, and broke it with a hammer. Unfortunately, I had to buy my friend a new copy of the CD.
I had just scientifically proven that music is what makes Emos depressed. I plan to publish my findings soon.
This is one of my few early articles that sounds like it’s my typical outlandish made-up nonsense but is actually completely rooted in reality. I did know a guy who was emo and a cutter, we did have a conversation about music influencing mood, and I really did carve “Fuck Emos” into my arm with a pocket knife right in front of him as a strange act of spite. Think I’m joking? Here’s the picture:
Thankfully I must not have went deep enough, because it didn’t leave any form of permanent scar.
I also did conduct this “study”, and the parts about me trying to borrow the Simple Plan CD from my ex and being told to fuck myself and my World War 2 vet neighbor telling me to turn the music off were completely real. Hell, the neighbor across the alleyway blasting Iron Maiden happened too.
This next one was the earliest example I can find of me calling both sides of the political spectrum out on their bullshit. In “What we Should do in Iraq”, I went after both sides of the Iraq war debate:
In politics, there are two types of people (at least, the media tells you that.) There are Liberals, and there are Conservatives. I can’t stand either side. It seems that the following types of people fit into each category:
Liberals
1. Minorities
2. Hippies
3. Non-Christians
4. Lower-class people
5. English teachers
6. The Media (Except for most radio talkshows)
Conservatives
1. Christians (Especially the fundies)
2. Middle and upper-class people
3. Whites
4. Political Science teachers
5. Corporate executives, or other top-level businessmen
I hate:
1. Hippies
2. The mainstream media
3. Christian fundies
4. My political science teacher
5. Corporate executives
Most people tell me “Then that means you’re a Moderate AJ, LOL!” WHY THE FUCK DO WE HAVE TO BE CLASSIFIED INTO CATEGORIES FOR OUR POLITICAL VIEWS? I’m tired of being told I follow a certain group’s ideology. Fuck you. I follow my own ideology. I hate dipshits who can’t have their own opinions, so they join a side and follow whatever that side promotes.
Anyway, the topic of this article is about the war in Iraq. Here’s what each side seems to think about it:
Liberals
1. War was for (Insert one: oil, money, world domination, continuing crusade against Muslims, finishing Bush’s dad’s job)
2. We should leave now
3. Bush lied about Iraq having WMDs
Conservatives
1. War was for (Insert one: spreading Democracy, protecting our freedom, fighting terrorism, stopping Saddam Hussein’s tyranny)
2. We should stay until the insurgency is finished
3. Bush was mistaken about WMDs, but Iraq was still a threat to our freedom
Both sides are so full of shit, it amazes me.
What we need to do is pull every American or Allied troop out of the entire Middle East, and level it all with hydrogen bombs. That way both sides lose I win. We’ll be out of Iraq, but it will be completely destroyed, preventing any oil companies from profiting from the oil there. Iraq will no longer “be a threat to our freedom,” and the insurgency will be gone. This will benefit our economy as well, because Bush won’t have anymore countries to “spread Democracy to” over there, which has been draining our money like crazy. Sure, the world may get pissed off at us, but when has that ever stopped us before?
Go ahead Bush. Press that big red button. You know you wanna…
My “solution” basically consisted of “Kill’em all, fuck everyone who isn’t me.”
My world views were somewhere between “naïve” and “outright stupid”, but my classifications provide an interesting window into the not-so-distant past and highlight just how much things have changed. Today the lower class has become a bit more conservative, while the middle and upper classes have drifted towards liberalism.
The final article in the e-book, “You’re Not a Gangster, and You’re Not Cool”, was inspired by actual events. At least, up until the part where I provoked a fight between two “wiggers”.
I was riding the train home from downtown Philadelphia the other day, when a group of five teenagers, maybe between the ages of 15 and 17, got on the train. There were three black kids, and two white kids. They all took seats close to me. When I saw what they were wearing, I was forced to restrain myself from rolling on the ground laughing. All of them were wearing baggy pants hanging halfway down their asses. Two were wearing NBA hats with flat brims. One was right in the kid’s eyes, which made me wonder how the fuck he could see where he was going. Three were wearing T-shirts which went down to their knees. The other two were wearing basketball jerseys.
I continued to listen to my MP3 player (the song was “Heretic Anthem” by SlipKnot,) which was turned up to almost the highest it would go. Suddenly, something hits my head. I turn around to see these idiots throwing a football around. The one holding it said “My bad dawg.” I said “Whatever” and went back to listening to my MP3 player. I then heard a hideous laugh which could have easily woken up every baby within a 50 mile radius. I look over, and the moron sitting next to me was laughing his head off at something. Apparently, one of the other fools had taken a marker out and was writing graffiti on the seats. His “hilarious” tag was “G-Unit” written in bubble letters. Unfortunately, there were five of them, or I would have sucker punched the dumb ass who was laughing in my ear. The whole ride home (about half an hour long) I had to endure the dipshit laughing in my ear. When we got off the train, I slammed into the asshole, and said “My bad.” He was such a dumb ass, that he thought I really did it on accident.
How come it’s socially acceptable to act and dress like a retard? This kind of shit makes me envy deaf dumb and blind people. This is just what the world needs. More mentally challenged people sucking the tits of a porn star known as popularity. Everywhere I go in this city, I am surrounded by these jack asses who think they’re tough because they wear a certain type of clothes and listen to a certain type of music. They claim that their “problems growing up” makes them tough and “gangsta.” Being the kind of guy who likes testing theories, I went out and put this one to the test.
First, I found a couple of ghetto gangsters sitting out front of a house. I walked up and asked them if they thought they were “gangsta,” to which they responded with “Of course, dawg!” I asked them if they had any problems growing up. One came from North Philadelphia (our ghetto,) while the other hailed from right here in Mayfair (a predominately white neighborhood in Philadelphia.) I asked the one from the ghetto if he thought he could beat me, a nerdy white boy. He told me “Fuck yeah!” and they both laughed with almost the same ear-splitting laugh the asshole on the train had. I grabbed the ghetto boy by his shirt (which went down to his knees) and punched him a couple of times. I asked him if he still thought he could beat me. He told me I was “sweet” because I was from Mayfair (which was a false assumption. I was from a semi-bad neighborhood known as Frankford.) His friend told him that Mayfair people aren’t “sweet.” He told his friend that they are. The friend got in the ghetto boy’s face, and they started fighting. I didn’t bother to stay and watch, because they both fought like a couple of Nancy-boys. So the theory that having problems while growing up automatically makes you tough is false. That is not what makes you tough. Now, don’t get me wrong. I’m sure there are plenty of ghetto gangsters out there who could kick my ass. I’m just saying that the ones who brag about being tough and who claim they never lost a fight are usually the ones who are full of shit.
The thing on the train did happen, and it annoyed me enough that I went home and wrote about it.
I really hated white people trying to act like black ghetto gangsters for some reason. I suspect it had to do with some of the people I didn’t like in high school. I also had a huge hate boner for Eminem, which is kind of funny looking back on it now, because he’s one of my favorite artists.
Quite a few people downloaded the e-book, and I wouldn’t be surprised if it was still floating around out there in some dark obscure piss-stained corner of the internet. I did have plans to release another e-book (I’ll have to look around and see if I still have some of the articles), but I ended up buying the domain name “AngryJerk.net” and focusing most of my writing on that. Just as well, the age of the e-book was coming to an end anyway.
With that, I think I’m going to wrap this one up. Take us out of here, DJ Jazzy Jeff.